Black cats, mirrors, and ladders don't play much of a role in the life of the religiously observant Jew. That doesn’t mean there isn’t any room for superstition, however.
Many are familiar with situations where we don’t want to incur the wrath of the “evil eye” (Ayin Ha Ra) or the superstition of throwing salt over your shoulder if you spill it. Another presupposes that if a single man or woman drinks from the wine glass during a Sheva Brachos (the week of festivities following a wedding) that s/he will find a mate. Ashkenazi (of Eastern European descent) Jews do to not name a child after a living relative. A simple web search reveals a plethora of articles on Jewish superstition including here and here.
One curious and apocryphal statement is that “the person who is responsible for 3 shidduchs (introductions that result in a Jewish marriage) immediately earns a place in Olam Ha Ba (the world to come).”
In other words, you are fast tracked, you get the EZ Pass to Heaven. You are set.
Mind you, this isn't the only way to get there, it's just the shortcut.
You don’t have to wait in the toll lanes, make change, or talk with an attendant in your post-life journey. For those of us who are interested in avoiding the more banal, common roads of kindness, thoughtfulness, and good deeds (or perhaps you are just struggling with them), it’s your best bet. Mind you, I’m not necessarily suggesting you get a free pass if you’ve lived a life of total sin. After all, even though you have EZ Pass, you still can’t ignore the speed limit entirely, right?
Of all of the sayings out there, I'm a fan of this one since there are 3 couples who are married because of me...and they will confirm it. You might think this would be cause for celebration and you'd be right, but it does raise a few questions.
Many people are interested in joining me in Olam Ha Ba (henceforth OHB), have asked about my shidduch formula, and are interested in picking up the necessary credits. After all, wouldn’t you rather know earlier than later that you are OHB-bound? Consequently, I've spent a lot of time (probably too much) pondering the following question:
What constitutes “credit” for a shidduch?
On the surface, the answer is obvious: a marriage. Start peeling the topic back, however, and you find that things aren't so simple. (Thank G-d for the Jewish legal and rabbinical mind.)
How involved do you need to be in facilitating the introduction in order to receive credit?
After careful research and analysis (read: I've come up with a solution that makes sense to me), I've decided that credit can only be awarded by the “shidduched”couple themselves. They must confirm that “were it not for Person X, we would not be together.”
Sometimes, you win and sometimes, you lose. About 2 years ago, my wife called two friends in LA and suggested they meet each other. They both resisted citing various reasons. You know how this is going to end.
They met on their own 5 months after that and are getting married in November. My wife had the vision, but the execution fell short, so she's out of luck.
Is more than 1 person eligible to receive “full credit” for a given shidduch or does credit get shared?
Yes, teams are eligible for OHB credit accumulation. If a team is responsible for both the vision and the execution of the shidduch, then each team member receives credit. It’s as if you're a swimmer on the fastest relay team. You still get a Gold Medal even if you didn't swim the fastest lap. To be considered a member of the team, you need to have made some contribution (no matter how small) to the shidduch. Again, the shidduched couple is the final arbiter.
Of course, you don’t want to count your OHB chicks before they’ve hatched. The last thing you need is to have an accounting discrepancy between you and G-d regarding your OHB account balance. My money’s on G-d to win that argument.
Here's an example of a good team shidduch story....When planning our wedding, my wife stated one of her objectives: “I want another marriage to come out of our wedding.”
A list of all of the singles coming to our wedding was compiled in Microsoft Excel. We added categories of Gender, Age, Location, and Frumkeit (our assessment of their religious observance level-rated from 1-10). We sorted the list based on these criteria and based our seating chart from it.
Fifteen months later, a couple whose names appeared directly next to each other in our 42 person list of singles (and consequently were at the same table) were married. They are expecting child #2. As a gift, we gave them a framed copy of the spreadsheet (and a DVD showing their first dance which our videographer captured by complete coincidence).
For this effort, by my self-defined calculations, both my wife and I earned a full OHB credit.
Marriage has its challenges, but one of the upsides is that that married couples are automatically a shidduch 'team.' Married couples are considered “Basar Echad” (lit. 'one flesh'), and any OHB credit earned by one member of the marriage is automatically earned by the other member.
There is no 'grandfather' clause, however. The shidduch itself must take place during the period of the couple's marriage. My wife doesn't get any credit for the two couples I introduced to one another before we were married.
I have 3 OHB credits. My wife has only 1. As it stands, there's a chance I'll be in OHB without her (but we're working all of the angles). Fortunately, this hasn't caused any marital friction. Yes, this is a bit of a downer, but you can't play around with OHB.
What if the couple gets divorced? Can credit be lost?
My father set up two people who were married for 22 years before getting divorced. Clearly, the marriage had some staying power, but we've struggled with the question of my father’s OHB credit status. Unfortunately, we've determined that he, too, is out of luck.
The consensus (at least among those patient enough to listen to my complex and lengthy analysis and then offer their opinion) seems to be that a couple must get and stay married for to earn OHB credit. (Natural death of one of the spouses is considered “staying married,” as in ‘til death to us part.)
There is a positive side-effect of this requirement. Setting up a couple is kind of like an investment. You can’t just make it and forget about it. If you’re interested in securing the OHB credit, you need to stay on top of it. The meddling of your shidduch-maker in your marriage might be helpful and might be annoying, but hey, you’re the meal ticket to OHB, so it’s understandable.
Bottom line: if a shidduched couple for which you are responsible is married at the time when your entrance to OHB is being considered, you are in good shape. If not, your OHB credit report takes a hit.
The chance of a divorce is also an argument for individuals with 3 OHB credits to get that 4th (or insurance) credit…just in case.
The 'quickie divorce' era could potentially create perverse incentives. One might be encouraged to strongly advocate marriage between two ill-suited people for the selfish desire to obtain OHB credits. This is a risky course of action. In Judaism, we are judged by whether our actions are “L'shaym Shamayim,” for the sake of Heaven, i.e. of noble/honorable pursuits.
My hunch is that if you are encouraging two people to get married who aren't right for each other (or just telling them to get married and have a quickie divorce so you can get the credit), you're probably not earning the points.
What if I don’t earn 3 OHB credits? Does that count for anything?
Absolutely! It’s kind of like brownie points, extra credit on a test, or being nice to a police officer when you’re pulled over. It may just make the difference. Imagine you’re in front of G-d making your case for OHB and the verdict is being considered. “Well, you did pick up 2 OHB credits…ok, you’re in.”
What’s more, there are extra credit opportunities…like in Olympic diving, there are degrees of difficulty. Setting up the Harvard-educated, supermodel, lawyer is just easier than some of your other friends. Effort certainly shows up in the final accounting.
See You in Olam Ha Ba!
Now that you know which shidduchs make you eligible for OHB credit, I encourage you to get started. Many people have written about the merits of introducing Jews to one another to build lives together and the feeling you get from seeing other people's joy. Sure, that's great and all, but think of the true joy you'll feel at a wedding when you get to sit back and think, “I'm one step closer to the World to Come!”
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