Friend #1 said (in sum):
"You know what, Jer, I just don't think I love my wife anymore."
Friend #2 (in sum):
"My wife just isn't committed to the marriage."
Though I may have strengths in breaking people up, that is only the case when I know the relationship isn't working...and it's even easier when I don't like one of the people.
In these 2 cases, however, I like all of the people involved. What's more (in case #2), he said, "we still love each other, we're just not focused on the same things."
I'm not sure how to react.
Part of me wants to be the savior...From what I have seen of their marriages (admittedly, very surface, things look good, but obviously you can't judge a book.)
Marriage is tough, very tough.
It's about commitment and, like a marathoner, it's natural to want to quit sometimes, but you have to stay focused on the goal. (Well, my Poppy never wanted to give up...well, in a different way, maybe :-)
Of course, there ARE times when you SHOULD give up.
The key, of course, is to know the difference between the two.
What I struggled with as I poked and prodded in these conversations was whether my friends were smart or stupid in their desire to give up. Was it for the right reasons or the wrong ones? And how the hell was I supposed to know?
And, of course, my motivation to save them may be a reflection of my own desire to avoid failure in my circle of friends for fear that it could happen to me...or any of us.
Hearing these issues made me want to 'double-down' on my efforts to be the best husband I can be (with my unnamed spouse), to appreciate her, and to avoid this predicament.
The conversations scared me a bit...ok, a LOT. And while I go around with the attitude of "Divorce is NOT an option" [see Apollo 13], I know that, as my ex-cousin said, "no one gets married planning on getting divorced."
So, I didn't know how to NOT inject my own feelings into the conversation and didn't know how to help (encourage him to stay or leave?)
When we were first married, my spouse would come home and start talking about a problem. As a man, I would try and solve it. Eventually (it took 6 months), I learned to ask first "do you want a Type 1 or Type 2 response?_
Type 1-I will solve your problem
Type 2-I will listen
That made things easier.
Maybe, in situations likes this, Type 2 is the way to go....
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