Another reason why it’s not easy being married to me…

 

If you had to listen to this at night…

"Since you're downstairs..."

The NFO said to me, "can you run downstairs and get me some cucumbers from the fridge there?"

I dutifully headed down.

While I was there, she hollers, "Hey, since you're downstairs anyway, can you get me some peppers?"

"Downstairs anyway? You sent me!"

:-)

Marriage in an age of Distraction…

With 7 different devices, 3 kids, and my own business, my mind is constantly racing.

Sometimes that’s a good thing.

Sometimes it’s not.

The NFO handed me the book Married to Distraction: Restoring Intimacy and Strengthening Your Marriage in an Age of Interruption not because she was saying “we have a problem” (thankfully!) but in her ever-wise way, she’s saying “you should look at this lest we run into a problem.”

Call it the old “ounce of prevention, pound of cure.”

And I’m glad she did.

I saw a LOT of myself in the habits which the authors described and I saw how it could be potentially very destructive to the relationship which I cherish most…the one I have with my smartphone, uh, I mean my wife ;-)

Seriously, the era in which we find ourselves living now, the constant bombardment of information and its 24/7 availability is a good thing, but it can have some serious, deleterious effects.

What I really loved about this book is how they provide a framework for living within this environment. They don’t say “shut it all down,” they say, “it’s here, not here is how we are going to deal with it.”

My favorite concept in the book was the idea of “Conation” which means “how you naturally and instinctively try to do something before anyone has told you waht to do or how to do it.”

Understanding this about your spouse is a key first step to empathy and intimacy.

If you are married or know married people, it’s worth a read.

The mother in this house…

Being a dad has its moments of challenge, but let’s be honest, being a mom (for the most part) takes a lot more work (unless you are a sea horse, I suppose, but that demographic hasn’t shown up on my Google Analytics report for the blog readers.)

When you marry someone, you think you know them.

Of course, that’s not really the case…it’s just the tip of the iceberg.

I’ve learned A LOT about the NFO over the years, but if there were a “greatest hits” set of video clips of where her personality/character have come to their full radiance, it would be in her role as a mother.

The examples are countless…actually, they aren’t (12,321,979)…but I think the evidence of her hard work exists in the (ongoing) creation that is our children.

The things that I love so much about them can be traced back to her values, nurturing, and focused determination.*

Happy Mother’s Day, NFO!

*love of football, technology, and spicy foods not included in this list.

Why Opposites Attract…

Over the last few years, as the NFO and I have gotten to know each other, I think we’ve come to appreciate how different we are in so many ways.

While the core, fundamental values are the same (thankfully), the other stuff?

Well, 180 degrees.

I mean, she’s the NFO. I’ve got a blog with almost 3000 posts.

She’s not on Facebook. I am…in full force.

And on and on and on…

But, the other day, it dawned on me, possibly, why it is that opposites do, in fact, attract.

It may be a Darwinian thing.

See, if nature is selecting for the best traits, then the mating of two different people will allow their offspring to develop and enhance (in theory) the traits that are most suited for survival and adaptation in the next generation.

If we were completely similar and the societal requirements of our offspring were such that our traits would not be beneficial, that would serve to hurt the future successes of our children.

Clearly, I have NO idea if this makes any sense, but my limited understanding of genetics (coupled with the fact that we occasionally drive each other nuts ;-) brought this idea to my mind.

Find a husband after 35…

 

One of the things I blog about a lot on my Never Stop Marketing blog is the need to be Remarkable in order to thrive in the attention economy.

Well, my friend Marianne, certainly fits the bill.

She lives in Mountain View, CA and works at Google and she is focused on finding a suitable life partner.

She is reading and executing the plan laid out in Find a Husband After 35: (Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School).

Part of that is to make a card that makes it easy and memorable for your network to help you.

Well, this one fit the bill for me.

So, if you know anyone, feel free to contact her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grocery Store Cell Phone Plan…

I wish there was a word to describe the act I’ve committed and have seen other men do as well.

You are standing in the aisle at a grocery store and you can’t figure out which of the 5 products in front of you is the EXACT one your wife wants.

You have an 80% chance of failure.

So, you call and you are guided with laser-like precision to the right one.

There’s probably a word in German for it.

Entrepreneurial Sensitivity…

One of the the areas that I’ve had to work to become a better husband is my level of sensitivity and empathy to the NFO.

The road hasn’t always been easy, but it dawned on me today the process of starting my own business has actually, I think, accelerated the curve for me.

I think the demands on a service business to think about and understand the needs of a client base (and I’m far from perfect in that realm as well) have made “necessity the mother of invention” in a way.

Since the success of my business depends, in part, on developing these skills, it’s helped me in my personal life as well.

Of course, there’s always room for improvement ;-)

The Wedding Process

Image via Wikipedia

We were in Albany last weekend for the wedding of one of the NFO's sisters. A glorious affair indeed.

Over the weekend, as we offered our blessings and thoughts for the couple, I had a chance to have some side conversations with people about marriage.

What was interesting is how many people said how naive they were about what marriage really entails at the time of their weddings.

Not in the sense of "oh, it's terrible and I thought it would be 'happily ever after,'" but really more in the sense of how much effort, patience and time it takes to really morph into a couple...in the true sense of the world.

A few weeks back, I was talking to some friends of ours and they were sharing a conversation they'd had about what they would expect the other spouse to do in the event of an untimely/early death of one spouse.

The wife said, "I've spent 20 years breaking this one in, I don't have patience for another one."

It was said in jest...sort of...but I think the larger point, which she realized, is that it just takes a LOT OF TIME for two people to really come together and learn to live with each other in true harmony.

I don't want this to come off as saying there's discontent and dischord all along the way, there's certainly not. There are plenty of amazing moments as well, but recognizing that growing (or should I say wedding?) two people into one doesn't happen on the wedding day, it just starts there.

Maybe we should start talking about 'wedding' as a verb, not a noun. The noun, then, is just the first looping together in a process that takes a while.

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As if it never happened…

I was really moved the other day when reading Gretchen Rubin’s blog (full disclosure: client) where she challenged her readers to write about something as if it never happened.

If I had never met the NFO (that’s the codeword for my spouse), for example, I wouldn’t have 3 of the most amazing beings walking around my house teaching me how to laugh like a kid, how to cry as a parent, and how to think and behave like an adult.

I’d also be far less sensitive (that’s not to say that I am sensitive right now…just a bit more than I otherwise would have been.)

I’d also be less concerned with how my words affected the feelings of others. (Again, not a ninja master here with a long way to go, so you can imagine the impact that she’s had on me.)

And I’d be a far more poor communicator. (Do I still need all of these disclaimers? I think the point was I was like a neanderthal and now may be a Cro-Magnon or whatever the accurate move up the evolutionary chain is.)

Sometimes when we look at our lives, it’s easy to think that “this isn’t how I thought it would play out.” Or, “I’m stuck in a situation that isn’t what I want” and when we do that, we focus on the downsides, the challenging, the part that is unrewarding and we take for granted and ignore the wonderful elements that are part of the equation.

Not easy at all, but thanks to Gretchen’s suggestion, we have one step in the right direction.

BTW, her blog and forthcoming book (shameless plug) are called The Happiness Project and you can pre-order your copy here.

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What's Your Risk of Divorce?

Now, you can calculate it statistically.

HT to Gretchen Rubin via Jodi Kantor

Overcoming Life's Disappointments...

Cover of Overcoming Life's Disappointments

The NFO recommended that I read Harold Kushner's book, "Overcoming Life's Disappointments." She's got an uncanny ability to identify how to gently "course correct" me when I am slightly off balanced.

The book is about many things, but uses Moses as the model for the way in which we need to recognize that the stuff that happens to us, as my cousin LAE says, 'everyone has their shit,' is not about us.  It happens to all of us, so get over it.

But, he's not crass or rude about it. He's sensitive about it in the sense that in our individual suffering we have the ability to connect with others who have similar experiences and that enriches all of us.

He also challenges us to come to terms with the fact that as we hit mid-life, we have to recognize that many of the dreams of our youth were simply unrealistic or not destined to happen.  And, that's ok, but how you react is critical.

He talks about this in the realm of marriage as well. Everyone thinks that they will "live happily ever after," like in a Fairy Tale or as my ex-cousin Marla once said to me, "no one gets married thinkiing they will get divorced." Sometimes, obviiously that doesn't happen.

But there was one line in that section which really stuck out for me. He quoted Freud saying,

"in every marriage, there are 4 people. The woman, the man she thought she was marrying, the man, and the woman he thought he was marrying."

 Kushner speaks well to me. I really enjoyed and learned a lot from "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" and :"Living a Life That Matters," (which the NFO also recommended.)

Towards the end, he talks about commitment. We achieve a degree of enlightenment in our ability to live up to the commitments we have made to others.

A powerful concept indeed.

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Writing Your Story...

I documented the love story of how the NFO and I met. It's something that I cherish and by keeping alive that special time, I hope to give my kids a chance to appreciate it one day.

A few months ago, the Controller at one of my clients, JackBe, told me that he had gotten engaged.

I begged him to write the story down.

Initially he was hesitant.

Well, as my cousin Dia, says, "Epsteins are known for persistence and resourcefulness," so here you go.

Kevin and Denise's story.

----------------
Now playing: AARON_NEVILLE_&_LINDA_RONSTADT - Don't Know Much
via FoxyTunes

Know any good husband material for my friend?

There are some women who would think that they would appear “desperate” if a friend used his blog to advertise her interest in meeting a potential husband.

But, then, there are women who are confident in their outlook, the fact that they are a “good catch” and in the reality of the situation that a 30-something mother of 2 children (6 and 2) just doesn’t have the time to invest in the traditional methods of finding someone to meet.

And, that tells you a lot about this woman, a friend of the NFO’s and mine.

So, put on your thinking caps, try to earn those “World to Come Points” and let’s see if we can make something happen.

First, her assets.

Smart, attractive, family-oriented, traditional/orthodox Jew, energetic, fun, and thoughtful. Trust me, she is indeed a “good catch.”

Now, what she is looking for.
Someone who:

• Possesses emotionally strength and is emotionally available
• Has a positive outlook
• Is spiritual and committed to his Judaism
• Is intelligent and motivated
• Is warm and giving
• Has the ability to laugh at himself

So, know anybody? Drop me a line or leave a comment. Let’s make it happen!
Happy New Year!

Wisdom of the Crowds...and your Marriage

Image by ( kema keur ) via FlickrA while back, I proposed the idea of the Marital Disagreement Index (MDI), so you know how well you stand vs. other couples in the number of arguments you have.

Well, Web 2.0 is coming to this concept.

With a hat tip to Josh Halpern, take a look at www.sidetaker.com

You and your spouse can input your version of the argument and let the world vote on it.

I bet the next iteration will have score-keeping, rankings, "best of" and maybe even an NCAA  bracket-style tournament.

Like submitting your argument to a "wisdom of the crowds" solution.

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Is “Happily Ever After” Anachronistic?

One of the benefits of making 1100 birthday calls per year is that you gather some interesting data over a respectable size population.

I haven’t done the full analysis of the average age of the people I call, but let’s say, for arguments sake, that the mean is roughly mid-30s.

This past few months, I’ve noticed a disproportionately large number of people in two categories.

1. people getting divorced
2. people disillusioned with their careers and looking for “major change.”

Is the mid-life crisis coming on earlier?

Paco had a playdate the other day and I was chatting with the mother, whose parents got divorced a few years ago in their mid 60s. This came on the heels of a couple I know who, in their 50s, have decided to get divorced as well.

She mentioned that her husband was speculating that this would become more and more common in the years to come.

The stigma of divorce is certainly gone and perhaps, with changing perspectives on marriage, people will become more and more likely to view life partners not as “forever,” but as segment-appropriate. She focused on the “me-ness” of the Boomer Generation, but you could also touch on (see yesterday’s post) the ability for people to live on their own (provided they have money or some security) and for women to not necessarily need men.

So, do you envision a day when people have one partner for the no-kids stage, another for having/raising kids, and another for “golden years?”

Will we start having marriages that have "planned obsolescence" as part of their founding philosophy?

Three Rings of Death…

You know the infamous Microsoft “Blue Screen of Death,” right?

Well, the Xbox 360 adds to that lexicon with the ignominious 3 rings of death.

I had heard of the unusually high defect rates for the Xbox 360 console, but, like anyone said: ‘that’s the kind of thing that only happens to other people.”

Wrong!

We got hit.

And, of course, I was out of warranty…or was I?

To Microsoft’s credit, they are extending warranty for 3 years from date of purchase and fixing/shipping free of charge.

No wonder they took a 1 billion dollar hit. Oops, I mean, we (I am a shareholder, full disclosure).

Worse news than not having my Xbox 360 (which doubles as my DVR) for 3 weeks.

An irritated NFO who won’t get to watch (whenever she wants) “So you think you can dance?!”

Not good for me.

Redefining Marriage and the Jewish "Singles" Crisis...

 The last line of Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage tells the thesis and the conclusion all at once:

"For better or worse, we must adjust our personal expectations and social support systems to this new reality."

In other words, this marriage isn't your father and mother's marriage.

I never took an anthropology class in college (that I can recall), but if I had, this is the type of well-annotated book that was probably served up.

The author traces marriage's evolution over a multi-century span and (convincingly) explains how the experience has changed for a few key reasons, including urbanization, birth control, and societal influences.

At times, I found the book a bit challenging to wade through (I read it in 5 page increments while sitting in the bathroom watching the 2 kids playing in the tub, so that could be my fault), but one can't argue with the thoroughness of the presentation.

I am sure Ms. Coontz has an agenda, but I didn't feel like it came across with a vengeance in this work.

She takes the attitude towards marriage that I take towards technology. It's here, you have no choice but to deal with it.

The question, then, is if indeed the expectations of marriage are forever altered  and the nature of relationships that individuals can have can take multiple forms (same-sex, co-habitation, divorce/re-marriage), then where are we headed next?

Will plural marriage (as practiced by some Fundamentalist Mormons, for example) be considered just as 'normal' as a same-sex union?

And what about the proclaimed "singles crisis" within the Jewish community?

I wonder if Esther over at JDaters Anonymous would be open to the idea that, maybe, just maybe in the effort to address the crisis (mostly for single Jewish women) that we should repeal the ban (takana) or Rabbeinu Gershom  that prohibits polygamy? 

Suspend conventional thought for a moment and think about it. If Coontz is right, marriage and relationships are being redefined in previously unimaginable (and inconceivable ways).

Particularly with women's increased economic independence, you could have a marriage with one male and more than one female (or vice versa, but I'll focus on multiple women, since that's at the core of the "crisis") that is certainly economically viable, would probably increase the abysmally low Jewish birthrate, and allow many of the women affected by the "crisis" to participate in loving marriages with committed mates...

You wouldn't have to settle for "good enough" and you could have the man of your dreams as long as you could accept the fact that s/he had another spouse.

And while I'm thinking about marriage, let's remember that I married way above myself and have a spouse (the NFO=Nameless/Faceless One b/c she doesn't like to be pictured or cited on the blog) who lets me blog about topics like this :-)

I'll give this book to anyone (no book report required, just add a comment here saying you want it.)

7 Years of Being Smarter than my wife

The NFO (Nameless/Faceless One for her lack of desire to be called out or pictured on the blog) and I celebrate 7 years of matrimonial bliss today. (Here's our original love story)

Another year down of evidence that I am smarter than my wife (here's the proof).

The NFO has MANY strengths. One of them is an uncanny ability to purchase cards for an occasion, forget to use them, and then at some point in the future (even 2-3 years down the road), use it at the right moment.

We've gone over Carrying Cost, so we know her calculations are sound in holding on to them for a long timeframe.

I was pleased to receive a card today which was purchased for our anniversary last year and deployed today.

I guess that's better than what I did...which is not have a card or a gift at all.

The way I look at it, if I've been a good husband all year, I don't need to mark the anniversary and if I have to rely on an anniversary gift to tell her how much I appreciate her, well then, I've not done a good job during the other 364 days! :-)

It's interesting how your perceptions of marriage and what it means to be married change over time.

You realize more and more each day that it is the little things that make the difference and that "happily ever after" isn't a given, it's a process and a commitment. And you realize that it's not about 'being right' (and no, I'm not a sore loser because I'm way behind), it's about winning as a team.

Not easy. Definitely not easy. But worth it.

There's no doubt that the truism of "I married up" applies as much today as it did in Albany, NY 7 years ago. I am a blessed man. 

Blog Reader is Engaged...Breakup Doctor Plays Small Role

Long time readers of the blog know Tjada as an avid commenter, a diehard reader, and a fierce believer in liberal politics.

We love her for her intelligence, candor, and commitment. In fact, a few readers have said to me that they "look forward to the day when" they each can meet her face to face.

Well, today, we wish Tjada a hearty "Mazal Tov" because she is newly engaged to be married.

And, would you believe it, the Breakup Doctor had a role to play! Not enough, I think to get "Olam Ha-Ba" credit, however.

Just for fun, I called Tjada on Friday afternoon to get her take on the Clinton-Obama mess. It was a good chat and at one point, she said something (I think we were talking about Jeremiah Wright) like, "talking to you is good for me, it gives me perspective."

So, I say, "what am I, the token white guy?" :-)

And we both say, "no, there's Joe." (her boyfriend)

At which point she says, "hey, let me ask you your opinion on a relationship issue."

I won't go into the details of it, but I'll just say that it is no different than most couples (and it is the number one reason for divorce).

Anyway, I gave her some suggestions and then pulled a line out from the Breakup Doctor Manual.

"Either we're having fun or we're in this together."

Well, tonight she emails me to say thanks for the advice, they had a healthy chat (the first step to a successful marriage, IMHO), and afterwards, Joe took her out for dinner and proposed. She even used the line!

The NFO and I are so pumped and invite you all to wish her the best.