Surreal morning...

You know how you occasionally have a dream that wakes you up and makes you think...or even scares you?

Had one this morning...which is why it's 5:15am and I've been up since 3.40.

I dreamt that the "it's nothing" was in fact something. My mind started racing about the implications of a more severe discovery. I couldn't sleep.

Once I realized I couldn't sleep, my mind raced even more...ok, what am I going to do now?

I resolved to workout on the Nordic Track and so some pull-ups. I started thinking about other projects.

I've been working on being less impulsive so I figured, ok...I'll sit at the kitchen table, make a plan and then execute on the plan.

At 4.40am, I heard a whimper from Paco. Taking a pre-emptive strike approach, I prepared a bottle, went to his crib (where I found him sitting up), took him out of the crib and said:

"Paco, here's the situation. It's too early for you to get up. I want to work out and your Ima [mother] is sleeping. I'm going to change your diaper, give you a bottle, and then you're going back to bed."

He made one sound, drank his bottle as I rocked him in the rocking chair and I put him back in the crib. Not a sound.

Went back downstairs to finish my list. I was on the verge of heading to the "man cave" when I heard the pitter-patter of little feet. I sprang into action and like an F-16 intercepting an enemy aircraft, I reached up through the staircase banister from the mid-point landing and stopped Calanit...determined to "snuggle with Ima."

I turned her around, snuggled with her, and got her settled. I was back downstairs at 5:05am.

Wow, I thought, 2 potential catastrophes averted (where both Tamar and I are awake at 5am). Not being able to sleep has actually paid off.

Then, I got emotional....what if the "it's nothing" was in fact something? And what if this morning was a strange, twisted way of truly being present in my kids' lives in a unique way that only a parent could love?

But I can't live like that because then I'm living on fear and "what if's" when that doesn't do me any good. We'll get the test done and we will cross whatever bridge necessary when we come to it.