On reaching out...

It's natural to want to call someone who is facing a difficult time and express your sympathies. Instead, use that as a catalyst to share something positive about your life.

For those on the receiving end, it's a wonderful feeling to know that people care so much about you.

There's another side...which is that the expressions of sympathy can become a burden. You feel obligated to respond to every phone call and every email. It can become overwhelming and tiring...when you have to have the same conversation repeatedly.

I received this from a friend a few weeks ago (excerpted):

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS E-MAIL, SEE BELOW

A few weeks ago, I had an incredibly vivid dream about my mother. She was still alive and we were at a party for the grandchild of one of her closest cousins. My mother seemed to be still battling her cancer and we were seated at this party discussing in the most prosaic way the details of our party. The conversation was striking in how normal and typical it was, a discussion I easily imagine that would have taken place if it were not in a dream and my mother was still living.

....While it is a natural impulse to read these words and hit the reply button with words of comfort 24-72 hours after you get around to reading this, I WOULD BEG PEOPLE NOT TO DO SO JUST YET. I am fortunate to have people who care, but the inevitable flood of good intentions immediately after a message like this offers little balm.  

...But the sorrow and pain return, uninvited, unexpected  and without a moment's warning, and it would be far more helpful if those who mean well refrain from responding in the coming days and find a way to flag this e-mail, put it on their calendar, outlook, whatever, so that 2, 4, 6 months, 3, 5, 7 weeks from now, whenever, you take those initial words of comfort and send me a message, UNSOLICITED, and say "I'm thinking about you, how are you? I did so and so this month, so and so in going on in my life, did I tell you about XYZ? Hey, we should find time in 2008 to get together since that is probably the first time we are both free…"

This would be a 100 times more helpful than getting 30 reply e-mails this week. 

Thanks for your love and support and may we meet and correspond for only joyous events in the future.

My friend makes a great point here, I think.

When we hear of bad news, let's take a moment to use that as an excuse to write an uplifting message about what's going on. That will help others overcome their challenges.