I wasn't just teary eyed. I was sobbing. Weeping. Literally.
Three pages into Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters (Calanit's Father's Day gift to me based on a recommendation from her mother's boss), I was an emotional wreck.
Immediately, I was regretting the mistakes I had made as a father to date and thankful that, relatively speaking, I still had ample time to fix them.
For anyone with a daughter for whom he cares, this book is a MUST read.
As I read on and on (157 pages on the 1st night alone and up until 1am), I thought back to the evening 3.5 years ago and the Birth of Calanit Dora Epstein. I told people that on that day, "gun ownership started making sense to me."
This was a girl, a precious being, that it was my duty to protect and defend. I insisted that I was preparing myself for the day when she would confront "the enemy." And, as I said, "I know the enemy because I WAS the enemy."
This book reignited that fervent passion for the duty I have undertaken. And it's probably high time to go back and reread the great collection of Advice on Fatherhood from all of you.
I am not joking about this.
The book, written by a female doctor whose evidence, anecdote, and experiences stem from her medical perspective, highlights the increased risk that girls (and she's only talking about girls in this book) when a strong father figure isn't involved.
- increase risk of depression, drug use, and multiple sexual partners
- inability to form close, meaningful relationships (particularly with men)
- increase risk of STD's
Some folks may see this and laugh or challenge the findings, but I am not willing to bet my daughter's life on their opinion. I am going to bet on my own.
I've said that "whoever says a boy and a girl are the same, doesn't have a boy and a girl" and what I meant by that was how they behaved, less so how I treated them. Up until now, I've joked about a double standard in how I treat them with regards to the pressures and risks they face in the world. Now, I am not joking. I am more than ok with the idea of a double standard.
The world treats young girls differently than young boys. The dangers are different, so I've got to prepare my kids differently and you know what? That's what I am going to do.
Every boy, growing up, has a big dream. A firefighter, a basketball/football player, president, etc. What do they have in common, the author asks? Well, every boy wants to be a HERO.
"Idiot!" she basically yells, "there is someone who thinks you are a hero already and she's living in your house!" [and it's not your wife :-)..my addition there]
Her view of men is going to be shaped by what you say and do. How you defend her. How you expect her to behave. It's a massive, massive, massive responsibility but the consequences of abdicating that responsibility are, for her, potentially enormous. You can't afford to do that. And I am not going to.
I was speaking with two friends at synagogue this morning. One, a woman, whose father has since passed, was equally emotional as I explained the impact of this book on me, told of her father and how he was, in fact, her hero. It made me think of Poppy and the relationship he had with his daughters.
The other friend referred to an article in today's Wall St. Journal about a woman, now in her mid-thirties, whose father died when she was 8 and how, to this day, the impact his character has had on her.
It's easy to think that we have all of the time in the world, but we don't. And it's important to remember. You never know what might happen to you or, God Forbid, your kid (see Book Review: A Legacy of Hope).
At 11pm last night, I was so emotionally charged, I wanted to go and wake up the Tonka, just to give her a hug. Luckily, I got talked out of it, but I made sure today that I was fully present and aware of what I was doing in my interactions with her.
Did I spend every minute with her? No. Dote on her? No. Grant her every wish? Absolutely not. That's not what strong fathers do. What they do is mold character, demonstrate a life of character, listen, defend, and, most importantly perhaps, simply pay attention.
Tonight, as I read Calanit the story of "Cinderella" from Disney's Princess Collection
And, if I do my job right, she will, but she'll find one that her father approves. And she'll do it on her own because of the nature of the relationship that we will have built will lead her to the conclusion that that is the only right choice to make.
Of course, if she does make a mistake, I'll be there for her with a big hug...and for him, I'll get the shotgun.
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