I’m a Benevolent Leader, You?

....at least according to My personalDNA Report

Do you think this accurately describes me?

What are you? (takes about 14 mins)

Only Hillary Can Unite America...

It's not often that my wonderful liberal friends agree with Op-Ed's from the WSJ, but Peggy Noonan's piece today about Hillary Clinton is an exception.

What's interesting, and this came out in my chat with Tjada a few weeks ago, is that there are many Democrats who are getting fed up with Clinton behavior/style-something Reps talked about 16 years ago.

Regardless, in a twist on the "my enemy's enemy is my friend" concept, we now have Obama supporters, disenchanted Clintonians (Clintonites?) and Republicans all in agreement about one thing...

Nobody likes the Clinton modus operandus.

Obama may preach a desire to bring the country together, but Hillary is delivering on the promise ;-)

Painful Moments in Parenting...

It's not the middle of the night requests for blanket adjustment or water.

It's not the incessant demands for "pasta" or whatever.

It is when your kid is just over the top exhausted and there's nothing you can do.

Paco had a long day yesterday. He was at the playground, running around, and things were great.

Until about 5.45pm.

Recently, we've either taken him off his nap entirely or just let him go for an hour (otherwise he's up until 9pm), but yesterday's no nap and severe activity made for a potent combination.

He was inconsolable and out of control. He hit the NFO a few times (he was redcarded for that one) and wouldn't calm down. Eventually, I had to put him in the shower (something he doesn't like), but usually gets him to take a deep breath.

No dice.

Poor guy just lost it.

I wasn't angry or worked up or stressed because, at that moment, you know there is nothing you can do....so I just held him, hoping it would make things better.

It didn't really.

Eventually, I compelled him (by any means necessary, right?) into the bath and got him into bed.

3 minutes later, it was lights out.

Rough. Very rough.

Paco Makes Me Laugh...

We're driving along yesterday (Paco and I) just chatting when he says,

"Hey, check out the playground over there!"

He's 2.5 years old.

Where does he get this stuff? Oh wait, I think I know.

Note: With respect to Mandi who uses this "Eli makes me laugh" in email form for her son...

Getting Your Bearings...

Paco knows that he can't come into our room (or snuggle in bed with us) until 7 am. And, to his credit, he's getting better at knowing the difference between the hour 7 and whenever he sees a "7" on the clock, as in 5:17.

So, he comes in on Sunday morning and says, "It is 7 o'clock!"

And he's right. He says:

"I want my breakfast, please!"

"Hold on," I respond, "let me get my bearings."

"Why do you need that?" he asks.

The nameless one and I can't help but laugh, so Monday AM, in an instant replay of Sunday, I figure I'll try it again.

"Let me get my bearings."

And, witty as ever, the boy responds,

"where do you think they are?"

I start laughing. He continues to prod for his breakfast.

"Hang on, I have to get my bearings," seeing how many times the joke will go on.

He walks over to the sink in the bathroom and yells,

"I FOUND THEM. THEY ARE OVER HERE!!"

The 4 year old test...

When you prepare a presentation, er performance, for any group, may I suggest this:

Prep as if you were going to talk to a class of four year olds

Adults need the same thing, though you won't get the same instantaneous feedback, in terms of involvement and attention.

My daughter's nursery school has a program called "Star of the Week." Each parent is invited to come in to do an activity with the class.

I elected to create a digital movie with them as the co-creators and main stars.

I knew, however, that the attention span of a 4 year old can be very limited.

I scripted out each step and prepared vigorously for it, knowing that any glitch or hesitation could cause me to lose my audience.

I got there early to set up.

Here's my checklist:

Set up

1. confirm activesync bluetooth connection between Phone and PC
2. open Phone to pictures folder (Computer\T-Mobile Dash\Storage Card\My Documents\My Pictures)
3. open One Note
4. confirm tablet ink is working properly
5. open up audio recording for One Note
6. open Paint
7. open MovieMaker
8. hook up speakers
9. hook up projector

I knew that involvement was the key. It had to be a dialogue.

"Do you guys like to watch movies and DVD's?"

"YES!!!!"

"Good, because today you are going to help me make a movie."

And here's the script I used to make sure that everything flowed smoothly.

1. Start in One Note

2. Give four kids a chance to draw in one note

3. Copy picture to Paint

4. Save to CDE star folder

5. Begin recording in One Note

6. Let 3 kids sing in one file

7. Save to CDE start folder as .wma

8. Take pictures of kids on camera phone

9. Take pictures of 4 kids

10. Show them the picture on the phone

11. Refresh the folder on the PC

12. Show them "like magic" how the picture moves from the phone to the PC

13. Move pictures to CDE star folder

14. Import all media to Movie Maker

15. Start in Storyboard

16. Add pictures

17. Let 4 kids choose the order of the pictures

18. Add effects

19. Let 2 kids choose effects from these four (3d ripple, ease out, ease in, spin)

20. Add transitions (Let 2 kids choose the transitions)

21. Import the previously recorded song (from one note)

22. Add music

23. Let 1 kid choose the music

24. Put in the Title/Credits in (the names of the students)

25. Show the movie

Sounds extreme, but I'll say this...

They made me show the movie 4 times! (we changed it a little bit each time, too for fun)

By the 3rd time, there were 16 kids dancing to the soundtrack.

And, in spite of it all, there was one kid who said "I'm bored of watching the movie."

If you can keep a class of 4 year olds engrossed (for the most part), then you can keep a room full of adults hooked!

Japan, Friendships, and Parenting Neuroses...

Living in Japan as a young single guy was a lonely experience at times.

The then rabbi of the synagogue, Carnie Rose, and his wife, Paulie became some of my most cherished friends. They offered hospitality, an open mind, a ear to listen, good cooking, and true friendship.

In the ten intervening years, our paths have crossed on a few occasions. In New York, at my wedding (Carnie signed the ketubah), and this week in St. Louis.

The nameless one and I are the godparents to their third child (Yes, I insisted that he call me "Godfather") though we hadn't really had a chance to bond until Monday. [here's a pic of the boy]

Watching their brood grow (I was the first person besides the parents to see their first child after she was born...I trekked out to the hospital in Tokyo that night) is an experience from which I get much joy.

And trepidation...

I saw the two oldest kids showing Paulie a video they had been shown at a friend's house "Kosher Boy" which in and of itself wasn't terrible, but raised a whole series of questions.

In my house...to some extent, things can be controlled.

But what happens when your kids go to their friends? And those friends have older siblings?

It's enough to make a parent pull his hair out. I live on the Net so I know the scary stuff that is out there.

Ironically enough, I got some perspective from Joanne, the Avis shuttle driver at the airport who shared with me how she has built a two-way relationship with her kids (19, 17, and 14) by starting a conversation based on trust from a very early age.

As a result, they feel comfortable telling her things.

And I can see that Carnie and Paulie (no surprise) have accomplished much of the same with their four.

Years ago, they inspired me in the way they built community, relationships, and trust with the dispersed Jews of Tokyo.

Now, in the Midwest, they continue to inspire...albeit on a different track.

One of the reasons why I spend so much time staying in touch with people is to gain the perspective that only comes from interactions over time.

(And on a side note, I got to play the Nintendo Wii for the first time...VERY cool!)

The Minivan and Masculinity...

I took the kids to my parents yesterday in the new Odyssey.

While I was there, I had to run an errand over to my grandparents' apartment.

I asked my mom if I could borrow her car. I wasn't ready to drive the minivan alone...not just yet.

Look, it's a great car. It's safe, handles well, has some great features, and is a smooth ride. Nothing against the car.

I think it's what the car represents.

Though I never may have been the image of masculinity, studly, or whatever, what the minivan does is destroys any remaining illusion of "cool."

Yeah, yeah, I know the ultimate masculinity is being a good father. I get it.

Let's put that aside for a moment though and let the superficial stuff come through. Just humor me.

I'm the picture of suburban dad now. I've got 2 (soon to be 3 car seats) and I'm driving a Honda. That's about as uncool as you get.

I'm sure I'll get over it, but it sure feels a bit weird.

Ok, rant over.

Car Buying Crazy...Cont'd

After a chat with my brother, I've decided that I should go with the Honda (and a special call out to Ahava for a nice ripping on my Facebook wall!)

The only question is, when?

Jeremy Lustman (one of the savviest financial people I know--go ask him for help, if you need it) is questioning why I should even buy now instead of 3 months from now.

Good question, but there's a peace of mind, even though it's irrational, is just getting it over with. I want it off my plate.

Of course, to do that, will cost me real money.

The whole experience has given me some cause for introspection.

It comes down to my ego. Seriously.

You see, if everyone is buying an Odyssey (or a Sienna), what Natan Zimand has called the "ubiquivans," I just don't want to do it.

I am motivated to "get more value and pay less," because, for whatever reason, I want to feel that I didn't just "follow along with the masses blindly."

Perhaps more bluntly, maybe b/c I just want to "feel smarter."

Maybe it's a competitive nature, I don't know.

On the flip side, I should, perhaps, take a "wisdom of the crowds" approach. If people like Jeremy and Ahava (and a BIG call out to Kevin and Shuly Babitz for the connection to the right dealer and the strong endorsement, plush phone call, of the Odyssey!) are saying "go with the Honda," it's because they have already done the homework, are as savvy (if not more so) as I, and have the same priorities (safety and economy) as I do.

When do you follow others and when do you insist on forging your own way?

Good question to ponder as I raise my kids...and myself.

Mitzvah Note

A "mitzvah" literally means "a commandment," but to "do a mitzvah" can also mean, colloquially, "do a good thing."

Each day, Calanit takes in a "mitzvah note" to her class for her teacher to read. I don't normally write these for her, but today, I was asked to do so. It read:

Calanit honored her Abba [father] by displaying an increased understanding of the rules and regulation of football. She correctly identified the time remaining in the 3rd quarter and she said "Touchdown!" at the appropriate time."

Parenting the 2nd time around...

I feel a bit bad for Paco.

I certainly am excited about his progress as he hits his 2nd bday (today), but it's certainly not the rush it was the first time around.

Hey, I've got to be honest here.

For weeks, he would count "1, 2, 3,4,5, 8, 9, 10" and then, the other morning, out of nowhere, he did it perfectly."

Tonight, he did a first rate "#2" in the potty.

Yes, we were high-fiving, but somehow, the feeling of "the first" wasn't there.

It's like climbing Everest.

Still a GREAT achievement, but someone's already done it.

I guess the challenge is for me to find the firsts for him (oh, and there are plenty as Tungsten never hurled herself off the bed headfirst, for example) and celebrate them in their own right.

Communication and Change...

Last week, I got into a bit of hot water for an email that I sent up the chain of command.

When I wrote it, I felt totally confident and noble in my objective (of course, right?!). I wanted to make the organization better, I was passionate about it, and I had data to back up my claim.

Well, the response I got wasn't so warm. In fact, it was chilly. Even downright cold.

I was puzzled by this and over the weekend raised it with a friend who is a psychologist.

"Look," he said. "There's a small group of people who are never satisfied with the status quo. You sincerely think you can do better. You are inherently motivated to improve. That's the positive. The flip side is that you need to really think about how you communicate your objectives to your superiors.

When you don't couch it right, you are basically calling them 'fucking idiots' [his words but left in to deliver the desired emphasis].

Now, no one likes to be called a 'fucking idiot' so unless you express it in the right way, your idea is going to die on the vine."

A great lesson for all of us who think of ourselves as change agents. A new perspective I hadn't had before. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.

Father's Day in a whole new light...

I wasn't just teary eyed. I was sobbing. Weeping. Literally.

Three pages into Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters (Calanit's Father's Day gift to me based on a recommendation from her mother's boss), I was an emotional wreck.

Immediately, I was regretting the mistakes I had made as a father to date and thankful that, relatively speaking, I still had ample time to fix them.

For anyone with a daughter for whom he cares, this book is a MUST read.

As I read on and on (157 pages on the 1st night alone and up until 1am), I thought back to the evening 3.5 years ago and the Birth of Calanit Dora Epstein. I told people that on that day, "gun ownership started making sense to me."

This was a girl, a precious being, that it was my duty to protect and defend. I insisted that I was preparing myself for the day when she would confront "the enemy." And, as I said, "I know the enemy because I WAS the enemy."

This book reignited that fervent passion for the duty I have undertaken. And it's probably high time to go back and reread the great collection of Advice on Fatherhood from all of you.

I am not joking about this.

The book, written by a female doctor whose evidence, anecdote, and experiences stem from her medical perspective, highlights the increased risk that girls (and she's only talking about girls in this book) when a strong father figure isn't involved.

• increase risk of depression, drug use, and multiple sexual partners
• inability to form close, meaningful relationships (particularly with men)
• increase risk of STD's

Some folks may see this and laugh or challenge the findings, but I am not willing to bet my daughter's life on their opinion. I am going to bet on my own.

I've said that "whoever says a boy and a girl are the same, doesn't have a boy and a girl" and what I meant by that was how they behaved, less so how I treated them. Up until now, I've joked about a double standard in how I treat them with regards to the pressures and risks they face in the world. Now, I am not joking. I am more than ok with the idea of a double standard.

The world treats young girls differently than young boys. The dangers are different, so I've got to prepare my kids differently and you know what? That's what I am going to do.

Every boy, growing up, has a big dream. A firefighter, a basketball/football player, president, etc. What do they have in common, the author asks?  Well, every boy wants to be a HERO.

"Idiot!" she basically yells, "there is someone who thinks you are a hero already and she's living in your house!" [and it's not your wife :-)..my addition there]

Her view of men is going to be shaped by what you say and do. How you defend her. How you expect her to behave. It's a massive, massive, massive responsibility but the consequences of abdicating that responsibility are, for her, potentially enormous. You can't afford to do that. And I am not going to.

I was speaking with two friends at synagogue this morning. One, a woman, whose father has since passed, was equally emotional as I explained the impact of this book on me, told of her father and how he was, in fact, her hero. It made me think of Poppy and the relationship he had with his daughters.

The other friend referred to an article in today's Wall St. Journal about a woman, now in her mid-thirties, whose father died when she was 8 and how, to this day, the impact his character has had on her.

It's easy to think that we have all of the time in the world, but we don't. And it's important to remember. You never know what might happen to you or, God Forbid, your kid (see Book Review: A Legacy of Hope).

At 11pm last night, I was so emotionally charged, I wanted to go and wake up the Tonka, just to give her a hug. Luckily, I got talked out of it, but I made sure today that I was fully present and aware of what I was doing in my interactions with her.

Did I spend every minute with her? No. Dote on her? No. Grant her every wish? Absolutely not. That's not what strong fathers do. What they do is mold character, demonstrate a life of character, listen, defend, and, most importantly perhaps, simply pay attention.

Tonight, as I read Calanit the story of "Cinderella" from Disney's Princess Collection, I was struck by how this fairy tale was probably shaping her view of the world...that she too was a princess, that she too would find her prince charming.

And, if I do my job right, she will, but she'll find one that her father approves. And she'll do it on her own because of the nature of the relationship that we will have built will lead her to the conclusion that that is the only right choice to make.

Of course, if she does make a mistake, I'll be there for her with a big hug...and for him, I'll get the shotgun.

Comcast-Victory!!

Thanks to Stewart's swift kick in the rear, I got back on the phone with Comcast to resume my Negotiation Efforts.  It took a while as I had to make my point more than a few times that I did not want more channels and I did not want to pay more than $40/month.

Three of my favorite lines (that I used :-), were

"if you tell me that you have to hold the line at $60/month and no matter how high we go, even up to Brian Roberts (CEO), then that's fine, I just want to know that."

And in response to the offer of "more channels at the $60/month rate, including Sprout and other kids stuff."

"Do you have kids?

No.

Let me tell you then that you can show a kid the same episode of Dora the Explorer every day for 2 weeks and you won't get a complaint. The extra channels don't do it for me."

And when the rep said, "we're giving you a package that's worth $100 for only $60."

"Actually, it's not worth $100, because I am telling you that if you give me a million channels, it's not worth more than $40. If the customer says it's not worth $100, then it's not worth $100 and I am telling you that saving the $20 per month is more important to me so I can buy groceries than having more channels."

Look, if I can get the same channels from Verizon for $42/month as I can from you for $60, why wouldn't I do that? You would.

And then he did the "let me put you on hold and see what I can do...."

Bottom line: 2 free months (for my troubles in trying to get a response) and a year at $40/month plus free digital upgrade package (which I don't even care about) to boot.

Laptops Up...

There's a saying at Microsoft "Laptops Down," which is when your boss (or her boss, etc.) wants your undivided attention and tells you to stop e-mailing.

I began my discussion this AM saying "Laptops Up. And please open up Outlook."

(note: it wasn't a presentation b/c it was designed to be two-way vs. one-way)

I got some quizzical looks...and their attention...at least for a minute.

Then, I said,

"Look, you have a job to do. That's important. My job is to earn your attention and make it worth your while to listen. Not expect that you will listen to me because I have put together a PowerPoint deck."

Attention (previous posts here).

It's the currency of the million channel world.

You don't have it, you have to earn it...every single minute.

And you know what? I think it'll make all of us better communicators.

How You Make Them Feel...

Maya Angelou said:

People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel.

The Rabbi at my Nana's funeral quoted this in terms of how she made people feel.

I have some things to learn...

Unfortunately, 3 times within the past week, I've been told that, because of something I said, I made people feel less than stellar.

Awareness is the first step...

Not prioritized....

When you get home at night, do you focus on the priorities?

Or do you focus on what you'd like to do?

Uh...for the past few nights, I've been in the 2nd group.

On the top of my personal to-do list this week has been taxes and writing my part of the Purim Spiel (I'm working on an Apprentice spoof).

Instead, however, my mental efforts have been consumed around solving the technical challenges arising from the installation of Vista on my primary computer.

I would imagine-hope-that others have similar pursuits. That might make me feel better about the time and obsession I have around solving this problem.

You see, I'm consumed by a few ideas:

1. i can solve this problem
2. i don't want to spend a lot of money to solve the problem
3. I can't rest until I solve the problem

My non-working hours have been focused on the various ways to tackle this challenge. I like the thrill-hanging out there-of conquering it and am willing to put up with hours, yes hours, of frustration.

I feel that those hours of frustration are what build my credibility as the technologist I perceive myself to be. I've "been there" so I can speak with some authority about the issues you might be facing.

At least that's how I justify it to myself.

The good news is that I've overcome the first major hurdle (this is relating to using my Xbox as a DVR) and I'm waiting for my one purchase before going to step 2.

The bad news is that I probably should have done more of the high priorities first.

Self-Identity and Early Adopter

My self identity is tied up in the idea, to some extent, that I am an early adopter of technology. I don't know why. Perhaps it has something to do with the feeling of wanting to know something before other people do and then getting to tell them about it. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I see the possibilities for the new technology and seek to implement them as quickly as possible.

I've long prided myself that I've had email since 1991, when according to some statistics there were only 750,000 people in the world who used it. The other night, I read an article about Voice over IP telephony (that's using the Internet to make your phone calls) and I was thrilled to see that about 50,000 consumers in the US had it at the beginning of 2003--I was one of them, and we've been saving about $35 on our phone bill every month since then.

I recently purchased a GPS system for my car (it integrates with my Pocket PC phone edition) and Tamar and I are in the midsts of a massive family digitization process which involves copying our VHS tapes to DVD and our cassettes to digital music. It's working quite well, for the most part--with of course the usual hiccups, but we'll be fine, I'm certain.

Anyway, whatever it is, it keeps me going. I am like a kid in some ways as I do get a rush from trying out a new technological advancement, but for the most part, I find value in them and don't just do them for their own sake. There's a benefit that we derive in the short and long term.

As for being an early adopter and why I pride myself on it...I don't know. I just am, in this regard, I suppose.