Truer Words Were Never Spoken

Never Had a DUI…

but my gut says they aren’t like this.

HT: Barak Epstein for sending it over.

Why God Sends Rain to Latin America & Not to the Middle East...

Before you judge me, let me tell you this.
I got this in email…from my mother.

ANY  QUESTIONS? Didn't think so.

How to run faster than the speed of light…

I just love this race idea.

www.anythingispossible5k.com

You start at 1:50am on Sun. morning Nov. 4th for a 5k.

Then, because the clocks fall back at 2am due to Daylight Savings Time, you finish before you started (unless you are ridiculously slow, I suppose).

Of course, I am doing it.

I’m hoping for a time of negative 35 minutes

Obama, Romney, and my 15 minutes of Debate Fame…

So, I’m in Seattle, looking out the window at a beautiful sunset over Puget Sound. I take a picture and think “I should upload that to Facebook.”

At that exact moment, my phone goes crazy with notifications, vibrations, emails, and messages as apparently, some guy named Jeremy Epstein, asked the first question in the Presidential debate.

Now, remember, I wasn’t watching, so I’m trying to figure out what is going on (it took a bit) and parsing it all together in 140 characters or less.

Then, I figure out that the topic of “getting Jeremy a job” is a recurring theme.

At that point, I have no choice but to issue a statement that, in fact, I do have a job.

Anyway, a fun little episode.

And here are some of the fun comments…

 

 

 

So, you think English is easy?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ‘UP’.

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ... it is time to shut UP!

What Larry David Has Figured Out about Marriage…

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Ok, if you are a fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm, you’ll get this.

If not, feel free to come back tomorrow.

Husbands have two choices.

They can devote a huge amount of effort in overcoming their natural desire to be selfish and do whatever they want and constantly think/ask themselves “what can I do to be a helpful husband?”

Let’s call that Strategy A.

On the other hand, they can basically commit to a life of achieving the bare minimums at a low level of expectation.

Let’s call that Strategy B.

Strategy A, of course, is popular and politically correct, but I wonder if, from a Game Theory perspective, it actually yields the optimal output?

It depends, naturally, on how much effort the husband puts out and how satisfied the customer (the wife) is.

Note: It’s important to mention at this point that marriage is similar to marketing (satisfy the customer), but not entirely.

The marketplace is different.

While a husband is not entirely a monopoly provider (and vice versa), there are a lot of “switching costs” and “negative externalities” in changing providers, so it’s not a “highly competitive” marketplace.

In Strategy A, you are 100% guaranteed that, at some point, your wife will be upset with you for some missed moment of sensitivity. I am sorry, but there is no husband on the planet who has a 100% track record.

Now, over time, they may decrease, but you’re still left with a gap.

On the other hand, if you go with Strategy B (especially if you start early), you lower expectations dramatically. There’s some short-term discomfort, but like diet and exercise, it’s worth it in the long run.

Anything you do can’t disappoint, because expectations are so low that, even the slightest positive gesture is a huge victory, thus resulting in a favorable outcome.

What Larry David does, by being such a jerk, is essentially say to his wife (maybe that’s why he’s on his 2nd wife? He went with Strategy A on the first one?) “You can expect nothing supportive or sensitive from me.”

It’s all upside from there.

Of course there are those guys who are the statistical anomalies and would feel intrinsically motivated to help around the house, etc., so we’re only talking in broad generalizations here.

Rejected by the Census Bureau…

The “Preaculpa”

As far as I can tell from a basic web search, my friend Jacob can be attributed with the creation of the word “Pre-aculpa,” the act of apologizing for something in advance.

Doghouse…

Clever ad that was forwarded to me…

A Client Who Does Laundry…

I’ve been blessed to have some great clients in my career, but  this is the first time a client is so dedicated that she’s willing to do my laundry ;-)

Enjoy the video.

Volume 11

When some folks talk to me about the mantra of “Never Stop Marketing”, they refer to Spinal Tap and say, “Jeremy, you have only one volume…11.”

Enjoy the video.

Even if you’re not 88 or Canadian…

You will love this story about the mayor of Mississauga.

Thanks to Nancy for the link.

The Old Spice Man Works For Me Now…

Image by bobster855 via Flickr

Want the Old Spice Man as your voicemail receptionist?

Now you can. Here’s mine.

Here’s the site.

HT: The Next Web for the find.

Related articles by Zemanta

• The Old Spice Man comes to your voicemail (thenextweb.com)
• Old Spice Response Campaign Was More Popular Than Obama (socialtimes.com)
• Don't despair - you can have the Old Spice man do your voicemail (adland.tv)

If you can’t fight with facts…

Fight with satire.

Few care to believe the facts of Iran’s nuclear ambition or the Gaza Flotilla. Why bother, when you already know the conclusion, right?

Well, at least have some fun with it instead of bemoaning it. Here’s a nice satire from my friend Adam on Iran. Below, one you’ve probably seen, but just in case…an instant classic.

Gaza Flotilla Choir

 

One Semester of Spanish Love Song

For your viewing pleasure.
Click here or watch below.

HT: Barak (not Obama)

When you are 3 minutes too late…

You know when you think of a great comeback to someone’s comment, but it is only after the fact?

Turns out there is a word for that: L’esprit de l’escalier.

Very cool.

HT: Seth Godin/Linchpin

Why Men Shouldn’t Write Advice Columns…

HT to my brother, Asher for this one.
Post was written while listening to...Schlomo Carlebach, Ki Va Moed

Kosher Ham and Jewdar…

 

Funny post from my friend David Berkowitz’s blog…

---

Kosher Ham's Jewdar Tell-All

Originally published in MediaPost's Social Media Insider

It's one of the most critical, controversial issues of our time. It's been the subject of more columns than MySpace. Even the Talmud, the great repository of Jewish debate and wisdom, is at a loss to comment on it. Yes, in what's undoubtedly the greatest miracle since the time the Maccabees kept their temple menorah burning with a small jar of oil, the gift of Jewdar continues to shed light on how marketers are targeting their ads.

I've wanted to return to this for months, ever since Jeremy Bloom reached out to me in August about his business KosherHam.com, a humorous T-shirt site that claims, "Wearing anything else just isn't kosher." He even noted that my new BFF Perez Hilton has been spotted in his gear.

I was intrigued when Bloom said that he's been honing his Jewdar - in this context, the act of targeting Jews through advertising, specifically on Facebook - and that he'd be willing to share all his secrets with me. He wrote, "I am constantly behaviorally targeting different demos, but the most receptive audiences with some of the highest click-through rates and lowest CPMs seem to be Jews." He tests religiously, trying different subject lines, ad copy, targeting, and models and T-shirts in the photos.

He's able to reach Jews largely through the keywords field in Facebook's self-service ads that target users based on their interests. Facebook won't target users by religion specifically, but if they list "Jewish" or Jews" as interests, they're fair game. Bloom further targets users in major cities with large Jewish populations. This will inherently mean some non-Jews see the ads -- but hey, they're welcome to buy shirts too.

So what keywords does Bloom use to find Jews? The eclectic roster includes: Jew, Jewish, Hebrew, Israel, Hillel, Sigma Alpha Mu, Zeta Beta Tau, Annie Hall, Brooklyn, bagels, deli, Chinese food, Matisyahu, Phish, jam bands, being Jewish, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, Seinfeld, Hebrew Hammer, Heeb Magazine, and Fiddler on the Roof. If you don't know what some of these mean or what they have to do with Judaism, you're probably out of the target demographic.

After perusing the list, I wondered how some of these would do head to head. Bloom indulged me and ran some trials in four different brackets: City, Comedian, Cuisine, and Music. Bids were set at 34 cents CPM. The top performing ads were those with the highest click-through rate (CTR) and lowest cost-per-click (CPC). And the winners are...

Bracket 1

City: New York vs. Los Angeles

Subject Lines: NY Jews Love Kosherham, LA Jews Love Kosherham

Winner: LA gets the Oscar, with 18% CTR and 16 cents CPC, coasting past NY's 12% CTR and 23 cents CPC.

Bracket 2

Comedian: Seinfeld vs. Woody Allen

Subject Lines: Seinfeld Fans Love Us, Woody Allen Fans Love Us

Winner: Woody Allen kvetches up the clicks, with 33% CTR and 8 cents CPC, while Seinfeld's 13% CTR and 21 cents CPC showed signs of shrinkage.

Bracket 3

Cuisine: Bagels vs. Deli

Subject Lines: Shirts for Bagel Fanatics, Shirts for Deli Fanatics

Winner: Bagels win by a shmear, with 13% CTR and 19 cents CPC, overstuffing Deli's tournament-worst 6% CTR and 44 cents CPC.

Bracket 4

Music: Phish vs. Matisyahu

Subject Lines: Shirts for Phish Fans, Shirts for Matisyahu Fans

Winner: Phish hoists up its tournament-best 55% and 5 cent CPC, out-jamming Matisyahu's 27% CTR and 10 cent CPC.

I asked Bloom if he could explain why Phish has so much mazel in hooking Phacebook -- er, Facebook -- users. He cited a number of reasons: the right age demographic, the loyal Phish fan base of liberal Jews, and the shared interests in certain botanical exploits reflected in Kosher Ham's apparel.

More importantly, I asked about conversion rates. It's great to get a lot of clicks, but do Jews on Facebook convert? (It's just getting too easy, sorry.) He says he was able to track a couple sales from the Phish ads directly, and he also notices spikes when running ads from people who go directly to KosherHam.com or search for it. With search, Google has performed especially well, as has AIM Search -- Boom thinks people find shirts they like and share them via instant message.

So it turns out Jewdar is a little easier to understand than the Zohar, Maimonedes' "Guide to the Perplexed," and my fourth-grade Hebrew teacher's accent. And it's not foolproof, as there are probably a few Woody Allen fans in New York who didn't go to a Jewish sleepaway camp. But if a guy can start a site called KosherHam and sell T-shirts about getting the munchies for unleavened bread to Jewish Phish fans on Facebook, I've got to think he's on to something.

 

Post was written while listening to...Elton John, Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word

Another great Facebook Security word…