Peer Pressure, Part 2

I get to Tonka's classroom the other day and one of the mother's says to me.

"You should know that peer pressure works.

Jane saw that Calanit had her nails polished. Jane wanted her nails polished as well, so she stopped sucking her thumb.

Then, Joanna, who started sucking her thumb only because of Jane, said she wanted her nails polished as well, so she stopped sucking her thumb."

I called my sister, Kira, who was the first person to paint Tonka's nails and told her about the revolution she had caused in the nursery school.

 

Peer pressure can be good, eh?

Note: names changed :-)

Over a barrel...

is where Paco had me last weekend.

He was the ringbearer at his uncle's wedding and we had to convince him to keep his jacket and bowtie on for the duration.

I'm a big believer in incentives, but I turned to outright bribery to get it done.

And Paco knew he had me. As the negotiations wore on, he extracted more and more from me.
The cost?

An afternoon of:

• 2 popsicles
• 1 episode of Diego
• 1 episode of Dora the Explorer
• 1 episode of Little Einsteins

Usually, they get at most one episode per day, so it was a TV fest for him and he did live up to his bargain.

Then, I looked at Tonka.

The girl did everything she was asked, no bribery necessary.

I told her, "you shouldn't be penalized because you do what I ask," so not only did she watch everything with Erez, but she got 2 whole packs of gum (I usually give her one piece per day) as a bonus.

Playdate Friday...

After last weekend's travel (and feeling sore from Turkey Bowl), I decided that Friday (parental solo day due to spousal work obligations) would be all about playdates.

Tonka has 2 (AM and PM).

Paco has 1.

Right now, there are 4 kids 4 and under in my house and it is intense.

The high tides are higher, that's for sure and the low tides are shorter.

Worse thing is, Paco is the most challenging of all right now. Not sharing so well and not listening.

Granted, his first playdate, but we've got a ways to go.

Future newscasters...

One of the exhibits at the Minnesota Science Museum allows you to play the role of newscaster.

My two co-anchors hosted the 6 o'clock broadcast last week.

3 (and 3 quarters!) year old interior designer...

I've mentioned before that Tonka is left-handed, and hence right-brained, a budding artist indeed.



She's since started to deploy her skills in some very creative ways.

On Lunches...

The nameless one asked, "what do you want for your school lunch tomorrow?"

Tonka: "Macaroni and cheese!"

Paco: "Whatever!"

On Football...

In the Minneapolis airport on Sunday, we had an opportunity to watch part of the Colts-Chiefs game.

"Paco, do you want the white team or the red team?"

"The red team!"

"Tonka, which team do you want?"

"Whichever team is winning!"

At least she won't be disappointed....

Moment of Intervention....

There are hundreds of micro-moments in a child's life that can have ultimately have a major impact down the road.

I dropped Tonka off at nursery school on Thursday. As we were hanging up her coat, a friend runs up to her and says,

"Don't play with Jane. She's not being nice."

Tonka didn't really react, but I intervened in a BIG way.

"Tonka, just because Jane isn't playing nicely with Molly doesn't mean that you shouldn't be nice to her."

And I continued to drive home the point of

1. not succumbing to peer pressure
2. staying open-minded

When she got home, Tonka made a point of telling me that she played nicely with Jane.

Like the comment made to me in college about a professor that changed my outlook on business. Call it the Iceberg Theory of Change or what you will, but, when your kids are young, if you are there to help shape character, the impact can be tremendous.

*Names changed to protect pretty much everyone.

Growing up...

I think it may have been the way she was wearing sunglasses propped up on her head. Not sure.

But, at some point, this evening, I realized that I truly have a little girl on my hands. At times, she is whiny, but the level of conversation is quite intense and it's obvious that she is absorbing so much. I'm almost nervous about the moves I make, lest they make the wrong impression.

It's right now, when I have to invest in the relationship, where she trusts me.

Don't want to wake up in 10 years and realize I don't know my own daughter.

Intense.

Weekend with the kids...

I should probably moan and complain about how hard this weekend was and how little sleep I got. That would ensure additional "brownie" points.

Truth be told, it's been rather smooth.

The clothes were laid out. Meals were prepared in advance.

The kids' expectations have got to be lower when I'm in charge.

I reduce my own expectations of what I will get done.

Some huge assists from my mom, sisters, and the Price family and things were pretty smooth sailing.

Perhaps the highlight of the weekend was Friday evening after dinner. I let the kids stay up a bit later (hoping-futilely it turned out) that they would sleep later on Sunday morning.

For a solid hour, the two of them were laughing and playing and just having a great time. I couldn't help but feel the pride as I saw the sibling relationship grow stronger.

Field Trip to Art Gallery

I may have to track down the woman I met at the Bat Mitzvah a few months ago (she's had a profound impact on my life).

Those are some of my favorite meetings. They take a few minutes, you don't even know the person's name, but it changes your outlook forever.

This past Sunday, we continued our monthly DC excursions (previous here and here), by visiting the National Gallery of Art.

While Tonka liked Renoir's ballerina (she takes ballet), Paco was more of a Manet man.

Of course, the favorite activity, by far, was the moving walkway (we had to do it 3 times) and the waterfall!

But, one woman did comment at how intently the kids were looking at the pictures. Hey, trying to cultivate the right brain.

Mitzvah Note

A "mitzvah" literally means "a commandment," but to "do a mitzvah" can also mean, colloquially, "do a good thing."

Each day, Calanit takes in a "mitzvah note" to her class for her teacher to read. I don't normally write these for her, but today, I was asked to do so. It read:

Calanit honored her Abba [father] by displaying an increased understanding of the rules and regulation of football. She correctly identified the time remaining in the 3rd quarter and she said "Touchdown!" at the appropriate time."

Value of a Hug

Maybe it's the lasting impact of "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters," but this morning when Tonka was having a tantrum over the type of spoon she had (got a whale, wanted elephant) and I was trying to explain to her, "it's not what you're saying, but how," I just had a realization.

Instead of a stern voice or threatening a punishment, I gave her a hug.

You know what? It worked.

She calmed down.

Guess the carrot sometimes has its place. 

Air and Space Travel

Took the kids to the Air and Space Museum today (here they are piloting a Cessna).

All in all, it was a 4 hour excursion, with an hour at the museum itself.

Initially, I was very focused on getting them to the destination, but as we moved, it became clear to me that, for these guys, "the journey really is the destination."

Sure, the actual museum was neat, but you know what, these guys LOVED the metro, the escalator, the elevator, watching people walk on the national Mall, sitting on the carousel horses, understanding how a parking garage works, looking at train tracks, meeting people behind them, and sitting on benches eating their snacks.

Their natural, unfiltered curiosity really gives some perspective on Life and the the way we approach it.

Passing the Football Through Generations...

I don't know if football became my favorite sport in its own right or because Sundays growing up were associated with going to spend the day lounging and watching games at Nana and Poppy's apartment.

We would typically get picked up in the morning, go to Radio Shack or something, and then hang out for the bulk of the day, playing backgammon, Connect Four, gin rummy, and having special lunches. Just a special, special time.

I've been watching football now for 28 years and every season has involved, at some level, special time with my grandparents..until this one.

Last year, when we all felt that my grandparents were on their last legs, I made a point of taking the kids to their apartment a few times on Sunday to experience the joy of watching football and bonding with them.

As longtime blog readers know, there is a rule in our house that we can only eat in the den, if we are watching football.

As a result of this unique privilege, I managed to have the kids worked up into a frenzy today in preparation for the opening kickoff of the season (we don't hold by the Thursday night opener), so much so that they were in their seats, ready to eat lunch a full 10 minutes before gametime. (Calanit hasn't sat in a booster seat since last January, but wanted to for the game).

This morning, when Calanit woke up, the first thing she said (I wasn't there) was, "it's football season!" and for the bulk of the morning (we spent it delivering Rosh Hashana packages to homebound seniors), the excitement was in the air.

I was emotional on many levels.

Obviously, the void of my grandparents was present, but the joy in transmitting the hallowed time of Sunday afternoons spent lounging around, watching the games, tossing the football, tackling each other and having lunch (and dinner! as Tonka excitedly exclaimed) in the den will hopefully give my kids the fond memories with me that I have of my grandparents.

Marking Time in the Bathroom....

For over a year now, I've been taking Tonka with me to the 7am service on Saturday mornings. In that time, she's progressed from diapers to pull-ups to underwear.

I've gone from changing her on the table in the men's bathroom, to helping her in the stall, to standing by the sink as she went into the stall alone.

A few weeks ago, she went into the women's bathroom and had another woman serve as her assistant.

Today, for the first time, she went into the women's bathroom on her own as I waited in the hallway.

Sometimes, milestones in life pass you by without realizing them. And sometimes you realize them at a bizarre moment.

If my goal as a parent is to raise an independent woman, then, at least as far as this one little (or not so little as it may be) life skill is concerned, it seems like we are on our way.

I felt strangely alone in the hall.

At one point, I pushed the door open a bit (there were no other women there that early and just called "Tonka, are you ok?)

In the mirror, I saw her at the sink, washing her hands.

"I'm ok!" she yelled.

And so, she was (and is).

Keeping Promises...

Growing up, my dad would always say, "I don't make promises."  This way, he reasoned, he would never be in a position to break them.

For weeks now, Tungsten has been asking me to take her to my office.

We had settled on this morning.

It was only going to be 90-100 minutes. I had books, crayons, snacks ready for her. We were all set.

And here's the lesson....when you see a warning sign, acknowledge it, don't dismiss it.

The first one came when Tungsten got up three times during the night saying she was unable to sleep.

Next, I had to wake her up (never a good idea on a non-school day) just so I could take her to the office with me.

She was sluggish, a bit whiny, definitely tired, and not her jovial self.

Since I had told her I would bring her (I didn't promise), I really wanted to live up to that idea. I thought it would be a special bonding moment for us.

As we got close to my office, she said, "My tummy hurts. I think I might throw up."

She hadn't had breakfast yet, so I thought maybe she was just hungry (and since she's only thrown up once in her life, I was skeptical she knew the feeling.)

I said out loud "Maybe I should just take you to Nanny's [my mom's] house."

Then she said, "I am going to rest for a few minutes," and she closed her eyes.

Neither of us displayed good judgement and we went on.

Walking across the lot of my office garage, she put her hand to her mouth...as if to hold something in.

That was the last straw.

I put her right back in the car, drove her to my mom's and put her in bed there.

I had so wanted to give her the experience of coming to work with me, that I blindly pushed on.

My loyalty to my daughter and our bonding may be admirable, but it clouded sound judgment. I hate to disappoint her, but that's part of life, I suppose, isn't it?

How do you know when your kid is lying?

Tungsten likes to chew gum.

I keep packs in my office and she frequently comes down to ask for a piece.

Since she woke me up at 4am today, when we went to do pull-ups (or I did at least), I didn't feel like I wanted to reward that behavior.

I told her she couldn't take a piece of gum.

A few minutes later, I saw a piece in her hand.

I asked her where it was from.

Everything about her demeanor suggested I had caught her. She told me a story about "taking it from the drawer upstairs."

Her story was plausible, but with only about a 1% chance of likelihood.

I wanted to believe her.

How do make it so that they only tell you the truth? Impossible?

Feelings on a Bike Ride...

You know that scene at the beginning of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where Indiana Jones is running to avoid being crushed by that huge boulder?

Every great drama has a similar scene.

If life is a drama, then I had one of those scenes this morning.

I had to go in for some thyroid-related follow-on blood work and the lab is about 1 mile from my house.

After dropping Tungsten off at school, I got on the bike, figuring...it's summer, I am working from home, and the exercise never hurt. By the time I was about 3 blocks from the lab, it was obvious...there's going to be a MASSIVE storm coming through. It's just a question of when.

In an unusual experience for the medical profession, I went in, signed one form, had the blood taken and was back out the door in under about 9, no 7, no 9 minutes.

I got on the bike and scanned the skies.

I had a chance.

I pedaled my heart out, feeling the wind picking up, seeing leaves swirl about on the ground, watching the sky become more and more ominously grey.

On the way, I went by the playground next to Tungsten's school/camp. Today is Carnival Day and the kids were lined up waiting for their turn on the moonbounce.

I am reading a book now at the suggestion of Rachel Milner called Difficult Conversations. The basic premise is how to have conversations with others where you can honestly talk about your feelings so that they are not a hidden obstacle to conflict resolution. It's been an eye-opener for me, particularly the part that differentiates Intention from Impact.  Don't get me wrong, I have a long way to go....

So, the book, I think, has made me a bit more in touch with/aware of my feelings and when I rode past the playground, I truly FELT two distinct emotions. It was a great moment...for me, at least :-)

The first was pride. Pride that I was able to give my daughter an experience like going on the moonbounce. In my travels over the years, it's clear to me that experience is what makes Life great, not things.

And the second was sadness. Sadness that, in all likelihood, this carnival would be delayed, postponed, or canceled by the pending storm.

And I guess there were two more. Curiosity...how would Tungsten handle the disappointment of having the carnival delayed/postponed/canceled. And then, Hope. Hope that she would understand that, like we read every night in "Oh, the Places You'll Go," sometimes Life doesn't work out the way you want it to, but you just need to push on.

I wanted to stop and look for her in the throng of kids, savor the moment, take, as we say, a 'mental snapshot.'

But, I was outrunning a boulder...a lone guy on a bike, trying to make it to the safe haven before the "heavens opened up."

Not 2 minutes after I walked through the door did the thunder crack right over our heads and now, it's torrential.

Managing Energy and Parenting...

Once you get above 1 kid (and maybe with only one kid as well), parenting strategy can be narrowed down to: how effectively are you managing your kids' energy?

Take this morning, for example.

After a big day of eating yesterday, I was ready for a nice run (plus the weather wasn't too atrocious). Tungsten had a playdate for the AM scheduled, so that left me man-to-man with Paco.

To get him to sit for 30-40 minutes in a stroller for my run, I needed to get him tired beforehand. As a result, I gave him the opportunity to walk from our house w/Tungsten to her playdate. This was a respectable distance and did the job.

He sat nicely while I ran and I rewarded him with some time at the playground afterwards.

Managing energy, though, isn't just about kids, it applies to you as well. Read a great book about this (Power of Full Engagement )a few years back, which I should probably read again, as its lessons are even more valuable now.

It's too easy to just keep pushing, but you have to know what your internal energy is like and manage accordingly.