Guest Post: "The Beauty of Benjamin"

submitted by guest blogger, Tina:

On another day, perhaps I would write something witty, hilarious or even bordering on profound. But today is different for me.

Today I don't care about the state of the world or the condition of my kitchen (although anyone who really knows me knows I NEVER care about the state of my kitchen...)

Today I have walked by my oldest son, Benjamin's room repeatedly and it's emptiness sends memories careening through my head. Benjamin's birth, his first step, the way he clung to me when I had to leave him for awhile--the Benjamin who upon spotting me would come running to me full speed and hug me.

His room is now strewn with the pajamas he wore yesterday...plaques on the walls...ribbons...trophies. Nineteen years later, he is in Massachusetts meeting his new college roommate, unpacking, becoming a part of the MIT experience.

Just yesterday I marvelled at how you rediscover the world once you have a child. Throwing a ball into the pool was nothing until Benjamin was riveted by the rings surrounding the ball as it hit the water. Before Benjamin, had I really noticed all the beauty of each flower?

We take so much for granted until we discover or rediscover the world through the eyes of a child, and it is always more breathtaking when it's through the eyes of YOUR child. Once, my high holiday outfits were important to me. Mascara was important. You have children and your world changes--and for the better.

Clothing developed a hierachy--clothing with NO spit-up (I don't remember owning anything like that), clothing with spit-up stains but clean (the good clothes) and everything else which sported fresh spit-up or dried spit-up. I went from wishing for pearls to wishing I could take ONE shower without a pair of little hands pulling back the curtain and announcing "I have to go pee-pee NOW!"

Benjamin spent a year in and out of the hospital with some rare serious illnesses at age 10 and 11 and was once two weeks away from neurosurgery--when you live out that nightmare, things are no longer important to you.

I can't remember when I last wore mascara, but I can remember when I sang Benjamin the french lullabyes to him each night at bedtime followed by stories of the world. I remember his getting his first chumash and the pride with which he carried it to school everyday...the day he wanted to wear tzit-tzit daily and the day he wore a kippah all the time.

He taught me that it wasn't so important to have a completely balanced meal every day, but to have fun AT meal time. He started sprouting wings early and one day, he was no longer running to me but trying to buy time with his friends.

As we added a sister and brother to the mix, he grew up. While he didn't have the blessing of good health the first 10 years, he had his father's unyielding sense of humor and of the absurd making it hard not to laugh even during the tough times. He is a man now. Though he spent a year in Israel last year, somehow it is different now. He lives a righteous life, has a delightfully quirky sense of humor, loves his family and is adored by all. He has now spread his magnificent wings and will soar.

It is with great pride that I watch him move on, but the mommy in me would love just one more neck-breaking hug from her 3 year old. About 12 years ago, my mother-in-law, Sylvia Epstein told me "Enjoy these years, you will remember them as the best years of your life." Well, life's not over yet, but I sure as heck miss hearing Sesame Street in my house.

Now, I will start this new chapter and focus on the new mix at my house: a 16 year old Sarah--my jewel, and my newly bar mitzvahed 13 year old Sam--the light of my life. It was a thrill to keep adding places to the dinner table...it's difficult taking one away.

But, tomorrow I will resume life with a bounce in my step and Benjamin's optimistic words of wisdom no matter how dire a situation: "Mommy, DON'T WORRY!!"

Jeremy and Tamar, may you take each day slowly and enjoy the blessings of your children.

Benjamin, "Godspeed, sweet dreams my love.." Thank you for the joy you give my life.

submitted by guest blogger, Tina: