Mini- Empty Nesters

It's one of those days that you know is a milestone which, I suspect, in hindsight may be even more momentous.

Today, for the first time ever, we shipped off all 3 members of Team Finland (ages 14, 12, and 10) to sleepaway camp for a month.

The consequence is that the NFO and I have the house to ourselves.

The practical benefits are many...fewer dishwasher cycles, loads of laundry, less hassle in the evenings and mornings. Certainly, the workload will decrease.  I, for one, am ok with that.

At the same time, it's a pretty strong reminder of how fleeting, in aggregate, the parenting experience is.  With Paco's Bar Mitzvah on the horizon later this summer, I can't help but have a series of "Sunrise, Sunset" moments flashing back to their birth and early childhood.  In an instant, we are here and they are all off for a month. Soon, I realize, they will be off for a longer period of time.

As my mom has said from the beginning, "the days are long, but the years are short" and I guess this is one of those mornings where it really dawns on you just how true that is.

It's really, really tough (though I feel like I am getting better at it) to savor the moments as they happen during the normal hustle and bustle of life.

It's particularly challenging for me because of my inclination towards Type A, achievement oriented behaviors. Sometimes, I am quite guilty of losing the forest for the trees.

Then, you see all three of your children board a camp bus (where you know they are going to have an amazing time) and you are jolted back into the most present of presents. 

Last week, I was in Israel and was talking with one of my cab drivers about children and family.  He was saying, "remember, the most important thing, at all times, is to make sure that your children know you love them."

Though my kids are well aware of my overarching paternal doctrine of "I am not here to make you happy," I think they are also aware of how I feel about them even if, at times, I don't express it so well or, worse, my other emotions such as anger or frustration get the better of me.

Last week was also Father's Day. I was only home for a few hours before leaving for Israel but before I did, I got 3 beautiful cards from Tikkanen, Jokinen, and Lakkanen.  What I particularly loved about them is that their words told me that, the things I was trying to teach them (consciously and unconsciously) are getting through.

I suppose that is really all you can ask for as a Dad.  I often say that, like technology, part of my job is to "make myself obsolete," to give them the tools so that they can survive and thrive- on their own- in the world because, aside from taxes (of course), we all know the other certainty of life.

It is my job to prepare them to live in the world without me and that means that, even though it is sad, not giving them experiences of being on their own and learning to deal with situations where the NFO and I aren't there, would be dereliction of duty.

I don't know if there is ever a point that you reach as a father where you think, "ok, it seems like my mission as it relates to my children is done."  But I do know that you have to continue to loosen the grip.

Today was a grip loosening day

Subway Riding Innovtion

I took Paco to NYC for a short trip and a “bring your child to work day.” We rod the subway during rush hour. It was crowded and hot.

He crouched down to the floor. Not on it, just soft of squatting.

When I asked him why, he said, “there’s more room down here.”

And I guess he’s right. Feet/legs take up less space than torsos and waists

Teaching the Value of Work and Money

There have been some proud moments in my life, but one of the proudest came the other day when Paco got his first job.

Our neighbors made him offer to do some planting in the backyard and Paco really took the responsibility seriously.

He committed to showing up on time, being prepared, and ensuring that his customers were satisfied during and after the job.

He didn’t complain about it being too hot or too hard.

He just went out there, did the job to the best of his ability, and was beaming with pride when he came back with the first earned dollars of his life.

The value of a hard day’s work and seeing it through to completion.  If my kids can learn these traits, I’ll feel that I’m doing a good job as a parent.

The Most Special Birthday Ever

I suppose what fathers want to know is that the lessons you are trying to instill in your kids have been received.

Today is my birthday (not looking for calls/congrats or anything), but as part of that, my kids really went all out in making the celebration special.

They got me gifts and made cards.

But what made this the most special birthday ever is that they not only wrote “Happy Birthday” on the cards, they covered the cards with things that they associate with me.

1. A guy running—because exercise is important
2. A computer and the word “Sprinklr” because a work ethic is important. In fact they wrote “Dedicated to Sprinklr”
3. “Go Big or Go Home”
4. “Leave it all on the field”
5. “Take chances, make mistakes, get messy” (a hat tip to Miss Frizzle of Magic School Bus there)
6. an American flag- for our patriotic pride
7. an Israeli flag-because of our love for the Jewish people and homeland
8. and, of course, the flag of Finland (reversed, but who cares) with their Finnish nicknames written on the flag. And which shows their sense of humor
9. A football, basketball, baseball and soccer ball-probably because Paco likes that
10. A dreidel with “Go Sprinklr” written on it…not sure of the connection
11. and on the back, a math equation that said “41 is 1/2 of 82. I hope that doesn’t make you feel bad.”

and all done with beautiful artistry because, as I read on Facebook the other day, the Earth without art would just be “eh”

It was really emotional for me. I felt like some of my lessons were sinking in. That made me proud…and made this the best birthday ever.

Humbled by my son…

On Sunday, Paco and I decided that we would go on an outing together.

I would run. He would bike.

We had ambitious of a long one. I was hoping for 9 miles.

Early on, we ran into some issues. The backpack he chose wasn’t so comfortable, so I had to fix that.

Still, it kept interfering.

Then, he elected to ride across the ford in the creek, which made his shoes slippery.

His feet were wet and at one point, he slid off the bike.

He started to cry and said his leg was really hurting. We were nearly 3 miles from home, the NFO was out, and we didn’t really have anyone to call to come pick us up.  From a close examination, I didn’t see any external signs of injury.

At this point, I was torn. I really felt the need for a long run. Yes, call me selfish and I was concerned that he wasn’t being “tough enough.”

I asked if we could go farther and he said yes.

Soon thereafter, I noticed another problem. His bike tires weren’t properly inflated, making the ride all the more difficult for him.

After a while, he said he couldn’t bike anymore.

Though I did  my best to hide it, I am sure he picked up on my frustration at having the “vision” of the outing ruined. Not really the outing, more like my exercise routine.

He offered to run next to me, but I knew that wouldn’t work, so I stopped.

We started walking in silence. I was wheeling the bike.

Both of us were just trying to deal with our emotions.

It was a really nice day (albeit a bit windy), but we were stewing in our own feelings.

At one point, he turns to me and says, “Abba [Hebrew for dad], I am sorry.”

My heart melted and I felt smaller than my 8 year old.

I immediately turned to him and said, “Paco, you don’t need to apologize for anything. I am the one who should be saying I am sorry. You’re more important than any run and I didn’t make you feel that way.”

From there on, we had a great time, talking about things that we never would have had he been biking and I been running. We both were able to look on the proverbial bright side.

I think every Father wants his Son to grow up to be better than he is.

I am glad that it my boy is on that path.

Kids in New York City

The mythic appeal of New York City begins at an early age.

Our kids were fascinated by it and, despite some of their other travels, had never made it into Manhattan.

We decided to rectify that by doing a short weekend visit to the Big Apple.

As always, the kid travel philosophy is to shoot for one major activity per day.

Day 1-Midtown Stimuli

The NFO had secured tickets to the Observation Deck of the Empire State Building, but since no time was specified and it was “first come, first serve,” we decided to make it our first destination of the day.

Originally, we were thinking of taking public transport in, by my brother-in-law, with whom we were staying in Teaneck assured us that traffic was insignificant. And he was right. We were in the city in about 25 minutes, but I erred in the selection of the best parking garage and ended up with a $48 bill for about 5 hours. Ouch. Including the “minivan surcharge.”

Anyway, it ended up being the right call…if only judging by the lines going out the door in frigid NYC weather when we exited. Fortunately, our wait which was about 1 hour or so it seemed, was all inside.

After a lot of moving, hustling, and bustling, we made it along with tourists from pretty much every other country on the planet, to the top. Not a crystal clear day, but enough that the kids got the “WOW” element for which we were looking and we were able to lay out the geography of the island and surrounding areas.

And, of course, we enjoyed their newfound perspective on height and relativity.

We grabbed lunch at a nearby restaurant and took it to the Sprinklr offices (which are 1 block away from Empire State Building) so we not only had a touchdown location, but they could see where I spend a nice chunk of my time.

Afterwards we walked up 5th Avenue so they could see of the Xmas decorations (they also had seen Macy’s windows on the way in), culminating with a visit to the tree and ice skating rink at Rockefeller Center.

Then, we took them through Times Square on the way back to our car.Transformative Moments Require Transformative Leaders

Bottom line: Mission accomplished. They got a sense for the hustle, bustle, and energy of New York.

Day 2-Bits of NYC History

Waking up to pouring rain, we knew we would have a challenging time, but we were determined to visit the 9/11 Memorial and the Tenement Museum.

The NFO had secured the “free” tickets beforehand for 11am and paid the “convenience” fee as well. We drove in, I dropped them off, and went off in the naïve belief that I could find parking for free, since I was still smarting from the $48 hit on Friday.

Good news: I was successful.

Bad news: I had to run for about 15 minutes through the chilly rain, only to get to the memorial and not be able to reunite with my family because of the snaking lines and security.

I ended up waiting in line for about 20 minutes, during which I was sandwiched between 2 German families, one of which was giving their kids a version of semi-revisionist history about American hegemony…in German.

I debated for a long time about whether I should interject and, surprisingly, I chose not to. I’m not sure why.

Anyway, as I neared the final checkpoint, the NFO called and said that the kids were very cold, the memorial wasn’t really open (save for two reflecting pools designed to inspire introspection) and that it was time to go.

I jumped out of line and ran all the way back to the car, so I could intersect with them and minimize their outside time.

Bottom line: I had a 30 minute run through the lower Manhattan rain to/from the Memorial. Oh well, another time.

The beneficial part is that the kids had a chance to see it and the NFO are pretty good partners when it comes to providing the perspective/education/background on things of this magnitude (granted, there aren’t that many), but the overarching important thing of having them have a sense of history was delivered.

We drove from the Financial District to the Lower East Side and stopped for lunch at the Shalom Chai Pizzeria and then to pick up bagels and bialys at Kossar’s.

Once the center of Jewish life in NYC (and, America), most of the Jewish landmarks are now gone…a sign of the times, I suppose, and judging from what we saw about life in the early 20th century via the “Sweatshop” tour of the Tenement Museum, it’s probably for the better.

Cramped, crowded, poor lighting and sanitation, really difficult working conditions, you really get an appreciation for the type of sacrifice that so many immigrants have made over the years in pursuit of a better life for themselves and their children.

Speaking of appreciation, my hope for our kids is that they not only appreciate what their ancestors have done for them to get them where they are, but also a better sense of appreciation of what they have. We’ll see.

The tour itself (and the very knowledgeable tour guide) were really first rate, perhaps my favorite thing on our NYC trip, even though the tickets were quite expensive. Yes, I know it’s NYC and everything is expensive.

Either way…well worth it.

It took a while to get out of Manhattan, with pouring rain and traffic, but we eventually made it to our heated-pool equipped hotel in Elkton, MD.

Day 3—Potato Chips and More

We also love seeing how things are made, particularly when there is machinery, scale, and automation involved (oh yeah, free food samples never hurt either), so we stopped by the Herr’s Snack Factory tour on our way back.

We want the kids to get a sense of appreciation for entrepreneurship and overcoming adversity (the founders), marketing (hey, what can I say), production, and where things come from.

Plus, fresh potato chips that literally are coming right off the production line never hurts.

Highly recommend it if you are in the area.

Headed for Home

Another trip in the books (and when you think about the fact that in 1 month, we’ve hit Israel and NYC as a family, I’d say we’re doing ok) and I like how our team is coming together. For the most part, we travel well. Like others, we have our moments and 3 iPads certainly doesn’t hurt, but seeing them ask questions and get excited about new things is why we do it.

Plus, with mobile connectivity, though one argument is “you aren’t focused on your kids,” the other argument is “it’s easier to take time out and do things with your kids.”

Balance, as always, is never simple, but I am grateful that we are fortunate enough to have to confront this particular challenge.

Israel in 2013-Hannukah in the Land of the Maccabees

Unlike my personal and professional life, I take a very laid back approach to travel, particularly with kids.

Long ago, in my backpacking through Europe days, I gave up on the notion of “trying to do it all” and instead take a mentality of “whatever you are doing, you are doing in <place you are visiting>.”

Now, that doesn’t mean I just sit in a café all day and work on my laptop and, of course, try to marry this with my philosophy of “do things that are unique to <place you are visiting>,” but it’s a balance.

In short, my goal is “one big objective per day” and then everything else is bonus. I don’t want the travel experience ruined by the “we have to get here” mentality and not being able to appreciate the subtleties of a location like “what are rest stops like here and why?” or “how do people shop?” and more.

Ok, enough background. On with it.

Background

We found the deal of the century on Turkish Airlines ($700 RT per ticket), which everyone universally agrees is a great travel experience, so I was of the mindset of “whatever we do in Israel, it didn’t cost that much to get us here “. Plus, between it being Thanksgiving time and Hannukah, the stars were aligned…or should we just say that yet another miracle occurred.

Base of Operations

One of the challenges of any travel scenario is establishing your base of operations. Fortunately, my brother-in-law lives in Hashmonaim, which is near Modi’in. The location is ideal, about halfway in between Tel Aviv and Jerusalem. The only downside is that Foursquare seems to think it is Palestinian Territory.

The Phrase that Sums Up Israel

I was entering the bank in Jerusalem and the security guard asked me a simple question: “Do you have a gun?”

I said “no,” and moved on.

But in that moment, you get a rich appreciation for the complexity of life here.

Agree? Discuss below.

Daily Goals

Day 1-Technology and Business

Knew it would be challenging because of kids’ jet lag (though I have to say they were absolute, 100% rockstars on the flight over. 3 iPads were deployed and the kids didn’t even get up once on the flight from DC to Istanbul—not even to use the bathroom).

As a result, the NFO was very accommodating in granting me one “business day.” Not only do I like this for the benefit of building the personal and professional network, but one of my favorite things in every trip to Israel is to understand how the Israeli business and technology sectors are evolving. As the home of Start-up Nation and the country with the 3rd largest number of public companies on the NYSE (after US and Canada), in my opinion, you can’t understand modern Israel without investigating this side of the story.

I was aided in my efforts this time by the indefatigable and unparalleled Jeremy Lustman, who heads up the DLA Piper office in Israel and is mega plugged in. He set up 2 solid meetings for me.

Israel’s prowess in technology based on military/defense needs continues (as it must) and I’ve long said that the irony of the ongoing Arab war/vilification of Israel is that its existence is what gives Israel so much potential and wealth.

Places like Herzliya reflect this. With the names of pretty much every technology company you can think of on buildings, it’s a testament to the recognition of the world’s largest companies of this reality. The proof is in the dollars.

What I also saw, however, was that Israeli companies, which historically have been very weak at marketing are starting to turn that around.  It’s something I saw a few years ago and I think is a reflection of the natural evolution of the country’s business leaders. More international experience in terms of management and understanding of the expectations of what it takes to survive and thrive.

Day 2-Jerusalem of Gold

No trip to Israel is complete without a trip to Jerusalem, the ancient and modern capital of the Jewish state and the epicenter of Judaism as a religion.

Still, that emotion is overcome by the fact that, well, it’s really a hassle getting in and out of town by car. Still, we deal with it, right?

We stopped at Mahane Yehuda, the big, open air market, where all types of fruits, vegetables, fish, and more are sold. While the NFO and the kids walked through there, I was able to meet up with some longtime friends on Ben Yehuda (the main pedestrian mall) including Noa Choritz, Neil Gillman, and Gil Kezwer. 

I like maintaining relationships…that’s no secret, but I love hearing the diverse perspectives of those who have lived here for a while. Some have become more right-wing (though I heard the best statement of all time from Gil’s wife, Randi who said, “I have become more right wing but I realize that it takes both wings to fly.”)

People and walking…those two things are fail safe ways to enjoy any trip anywhere.

After a short lunch at the Village Green (great vegan/vegetarian food), we set off on foot to the Old City, making our way down through the Shuk (market), we arrived in mid-late afternoon at the Western Wall, Judaism’s holiest site and the last remnant of the 2nd Temple.

For many, it’s a spiritual place and a time for reflection. My last few visits there didn’t really hit that high mark for me. This time, after stuffing a special note into the Wall, as is the custom, my nephews, Paco, and I were sitting on some chairs watching people do their thing and I had a moment of spirituality myself, one where I felt the weight of Jewish history on my shoulders. I felt like I had to impart some of a sense of history, as my friend Jen Pearlman says “of living vertically,” so that these boys would really understand why this place was of special importance and why it needed to be protected and defended.

An awesome feeling indeed and I did my best. A different type of spirituality, outside of myself, I suppose.

One of the things that always strikes me about Israel, but Jerusalem in particular is how you see Arabs going about their daily business and…no one really cares. They are a part of the fabric of life here. It’s stark primarily because of the opposite situation. I believe you would be hard pressed to find the capital of an Arab country where you would see religious Jews openly identifying themselves and walking with zero concern for their personal safety.

Day 3 and 4-Take It Easy

As Day 3 and 4 were Friday/Saturday, things tend to be a bit slower (well, hectic leading into the Sabbath) and then quiet (depending on where you are) on the actual Sabbath. We took the kids to a local park and then had a great time with my brother-in-law and his family.

Day 5-Go North, Young Man.

On this trip, I was determined that my kids learned that there was more to Israel than Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. On our previous visit, we had planned to go South, but, well, there was a war with Gaza, so we couldn’t do that.

This time, we thought our luck would be better in the North, so we went to Tiberias, on the Sea of Galilee (the lowest freshwater lake in the world), having a nice lunch on the promenade. On the way, we were struck by the beauty of the open land around it, the rolling, rocky hills and the agricultural wonder that has occurred there in the past 60 years.

Tiberias is one of the 4 holy cities of Judaism (Hebron, Safed, Jerusalem) and was the place where the Talmud (Jerusalem version) was codified because Jews couldn’t live in Jerusalem following the Bar Kokhba rebellion against the Romans in 135.

Unfortunately, for a city that has so much to offer, it really shows its age. It’s like the city got left behind by time and is stuck in the 1960s. What’s worse, in my opinion, it seems like they are leaving a ton of money on the table since the place is a mecca for Christian pilgrims (yes, I get the multi-religious semi-pun) because of the proximity of Nazareth, the miracle of the fishes, sermon on the mount, etc.

It’s a shame.

But not nearly as big of a shame as what happened to the tomb of Maimonides. Arguably the greatest Jewish mind of all time, he is buried in this city in a glorious tomb.

I was there about 20 years ago and it was marvelous and spiritual. Now, there’s a massive iron sculpture above it (which isn’t so bad), but the travesty is a white Home Depot-like fence that splits it down the middle and serves as the divider between men and women (since people tend to come and pray at his grave).

Now, I get that men and women are supposed to be separate during services and I’m ok with that, but this is a freaking grave…not a synagogue and the morons who put this piece of crap have turned a beautiful piece of art into nothing more than a utility. The opposite of how it should be.

It’s kind of like splitting the Mona Lisa down the middle and saying “ok, you can look at half the canvas and you’ll appreciate Leonardo just as much.”

Ugh. Embarrassing and silly.

Not that I don’t understand the reasons for why the fanatics who did this, did this. It’s just that I don’t agree with it at all.

That night, we stayed in a quaint Zimmer-style cabin near Moshav Zippori (itself a historic place). I really liked it.  Relaxing, peaceful…and great wi-fi.

Day 6-Onto the Heights

When you see the Golan Heights up close and think about the military challenges that faced Israel in the 1967 war, you can’t help but be in awe that they were able to accomplish what they did.

Today, the vistas are breathtaking (even with the fences that identify live minefields), but under heavy fire? Going uphill?

Are you kidding me?

Once you get to the top though, it’s like the Great Plains…flat, peaceful, few trees, serene. I felt so at peace when we arrived in Avnei Eitan, a cooperative of about 100 families calmly situated in, well, the middle of nowhere…and about 10km from the Syrian border. 

The reason for our visit to this outpost was the “Automatic Dairy” where the cows go through a machine called the “Astronaut” which is, well, just fantastic.

Each cow had an RFID chip around its neck and it enters a massive machine 3 times per day. The chip tells the machine which cow it is. The machine knows things such as how much milk the cow gave last time and the entire history of the cow. Frankly, it’s and Electronic Medical Record for each cow (they can do it for cows, just not healthcare.gov website).

The cow is on a scale, so the weight is recorded and the proper amount of food is distributed.

Meanwhile, 4 suction cups are attached to the udder of the cow but only after the teats have been cleaned with a brush (like a car wash) and their exact location targeted and pinpointed by laser. As each of the 4 compartments are drained, the suction cup drops away until all are done. The teats are washed with some anti-biotic spray and the gates open (even if the cow isn’t finished eating). Precisely 17 seconds later, a shock is delivered in order to encourage the cow to leave.

Of course, after the first few times, all of the cows leave at the 15 second mark. No muss, no fuss.

This technology, which costs about $150,000 has enabled the dairy to move from 10 cows to 75 with very limited additional increase in manpower. In fact, our tour guide told us that now she is able to leave the dairy, which she wasn’t able to do before (or someone had to be there) and they can manage/measure the entire process…from their iPhones!

I loved this tour as it reflects the ingenuity and spirit of innovation that is Israel.

On the way up to the Heights, I was telling the kids about the history of the 1967 War and the challenges of scarcity/resource allocation and how “necessity is the mother of invention.” (I also introduced them to the Knesset-Israeli parliament process and they quickly understood why it was such a challenge!)

The machine isn’t Israeli-made (it’s Dutch), but the point was made and they saw how the operation of the dairy could scale because of technology (something I am always happy to have them see!)

Gamla-The afternoon took us to Gamla, aka “The Masada of the North,” a secluded location that served as a refuge for Jews who were trying to escape Roman persecution. Tragically, the 9,000 people there all died, choosing suicide instead of slavery at the hands of the Romans when their situation became desperate.

We took a moment to hear from my brother-in-law about this time in Jewish history while on a 1 hour long like over the hills and terrain, absolutely breathtaking and well worth it. Joined by a longtime friend, Shmuel Goldman-a resident of the Golan-we had a chance to just soak in the earth.

Over 20 years ago, before a trip to Israel, a family friend gave me her advice about how to experience it. To this day, I remember it: “Walk the Land.”

And I do, every time I am here.

Other Observations

1. New Highway 6 is great.
2. A few people talked about Iran. No one talks about the Palestinians.
3. I still can’t understand why coffee from pretty much any shop in Israel is better than most places in US. Certainly better than Starbucks (which isn’t in Israel, btw. They gave up and left due to strength of coffee culture).
4. I popped a Golan SIM card into my Nexus 4 and had connectivity everywhere. Great stuff.
5. Waze is even better in Israel because EVERYBODY uses it. Really helpful for crowdsourcing traffic.
6. As some of you know, I enjoy checking in on Foursquare. Not only can I find friends and suggestions in the area, but it’s a diary for where I go. I was a bit disappointed to see that the Golan Heights, according to them, are part of Syria and Hashmonaim, where my brother-in-law lives is part of Palestinian Territory.

No need to worry…I sent the issue along. We’ll see what happens.

Ok, I cranked this out all in one day. Random stuff that I will realize that I forgot and report on last few days to come.

The Great Depression and Why I Love Being a Dad

The other day, Paco said to me “What was the Great Depression?”

Not only did I love his curiosity, but I loved this focus on the answer.

And, we went through a lot…starting with WW1, Hoover and going through the New Deal.

We covered some Macroeconomic theory in there as well.

But, it wasn’t so much the information as it was the process.

I just found myself enjoying the opportunity to share and engage with him (and the girls, who were avidly listening as well).

A moment to savor.

My Son in the Future

I have a pretty good relationship with Paco.

He’s a sweet boy. Charming. A wonderful smile. Mischievous to the point of being cute.

A great athlete. A great sports companion. He’s 8. His innocence is eternal and refreshing.

I do my best to cherish it.

For example, you know what he wants from me on his birthday?

A 1:1 drive along the length of an entire avenue named for one of the states.

Last year, we did all of Connecticut Avenue. This year, all of Massachusetts Ave.

We saw it change from urban to suburban. From commercial to Embassy Row to residential.

I took a “mental snapshot” and savored it.

In fact, he did me proud as we drove home and were instructed by the NFO to pick up one item at the store.

She told us it was at Shopper’s which wasn’t quite on the path. The Safeway was, but she didn’t know if the item was there.

I said to Paco, “ok, buddy, we have a choice. We can go to Safeway and take a chance. If it’s there, we save time and get home sooner. If not, we lose time and have to go to Shopper’s.”

You know what he said?

“Go Big or Go Home!”

So we went to Safeway…it wasn’t there, but we didn’t care.

I thought of all of this tonight as I read an article I saw on Facebook about a dad trying to relate to his teenage son.

It gave me a “flashforward” to a day in the future when my boy may not want to talk or play with me. When I’ll be an irritation to him.

I know it is part of the rite of passage. Of separation. Of preparing for life without me.

What’s the word for pre-emptive nostalgia?

Jesus’ Home Court Advantage

My son and his friends went to basketball camp at one of the local high school powerhouses last week, Good Counsel.

The actual name of the school is Our Lady of Good Counsel, but somewhere along the line, they misread the sign and started calling it “OLD Lady of Good Counsel.”

But that’s only half the story.

They began to discuss who would win in various sports contests: God or Jesus.

They concluded that, because He is all-powerful, God would be able to take Jesus in basketball, golf, and, well, most events.

However, when asked, “what if the basketball game was played at Good Counsel?” Paco had an astute answer.

“I think God would still win, but it would be close because Jesus would have home court advantage.”

Parenting, the fear of failure, and my failure…

Some of you may recall my challenge 2 years ago when I was trying to help Tonka get over her fear of going down the slide at the pool.

Your advice then was: “back off.”

Well, I’ve failed on that one.

On Friday, July 5th, the girls had camp, so Paco and I decided we would go to Six Flags and have a “guys day.”

We went on a roller coaster and some water slides. Then, we confronted the “Tornado,” which meant we would be in a tube, do a decent sized drop, and fly up the wall on the other side.

When we got to the top—and there was no line!—Paco said he was scared.

I wanted him to confront his fears. I told him….”it’s ok to be afraid, it’s not ok to be paralyzed by fear.”

It may sound melodramatic, but I have a nagging sense that if I let him (or any of my kids) let fear stand in their way, that it will become a habit.

Frankly, I don’t have much patience for adults who can’t get over irrational fears.

At its essence, this is one of my core fathering responsibilities, in my opinion.

We had a 20 minute stand-off at the top of the ride.

He was crying, I was tense. I tried to cajole, empathize, threaten, force, and bribe him…eventually, I lost and we walked down.

Honestly, I felt like a failure.

Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe next year he’ll be fine.

What I don’t want is a 25 year old son who can’t get over his unnecessary fears so that he can accomplish what that of which he is truly capable.

Soccer and the Meta-Game of Fatherhood

I took Paco to his indoor soccer game the other day.

We have one motto when it comes to soccer, basketball, or any other sport for that matter.

“Leave it all on the field.”

I’ve told him (and I mean it), “I don’t care how many goals you score. I care that you give it your all on every play.”

And while I do offer him suggestions on his play, I’m not sure he fully appreciates that the real game he is playing (and for which he is preparing) is the Game of Life.

As his coach, I know that persistence and perseverance are often the skills and traits that separate success from failure, regardless of talent or even training (well, those are important, of course, but you know what I mean.)

So, when I stand on the sidelines, I’m actually watching the meta-game as much as the actual game.

Perspective. Unexpected.

My buddy, Derek Coburn, sent me a holiday CD.
I’m not a big music person, so it was all new to me.
One of the songs was a semi-hard core rap (I guess that’s the genre) called “Daughters” by a guy named “Nas.”
It was all about how you have to treat daughters with love and TLC so they go down the right path.
Pretty powerful stuff.
Here are the lyrics.

Harry Potter Rediscovered

I missed most of the Harry Potter craze.
Back in 1999 or so, I read the first one. Liked it, but never got around to reading any of the others.
Recently, though, Paco has gotten turned on to the books and rapidly put down the first 5.
Yep, he read over 2000 pages…and he did it in about 3 weeks (or so it seemed). Maybe less.
Anyway, he basically started taunting me that I hadn’t read them and wouldn’t catch up with him.
That didn’t motivate me so much as the obvious desire he had to discuss the books with me and tell me about them.
Now, I am in the midst of number 5 and I am really enjoying it. Plus, it gave us a chance to bond over Lord Voldemort, Hagrid, Siris Black, and the Heir of Slytherin.
I definitely would not have predicted this turn of events when I picked up the title of “Dad.”

Watching the Girl Grow Up…

It’s dawned on me recently that Tonka (9 years old) is in a transformational stage.

She’s not quite little girl and she’s not quite pre-teen/pre-adolescent.

Sometimes she displays a maturity well beyond her years. You can have full-on conversations with her about important and real concepts such as responsibility, death, decisions and their consequences and much more.

On the other hand, sometimes she reverts back to behavior that would be more typical of a much younger child.

It’s served as a wake-up call for me to re-think how I deal with her and how I relate to her. What’s the best parenting approach for her?

It’s a reminder as well that change is a constant and adapting to that change is a key to survival in every aspect of life, particularly parenting.

That aside, it’s a joy to see her growing up.

When losing a negotiation feels great…

Paco has become quite the ferocious and passionate Monopoly player recently.
He’s always asking anyone who will listen, if they will play with him.
Mind you, I don’t let him win. Ever.
But that doesn’t mean he hasn’t absolutely CRUSHED me a few times. He has.
What’s more, in addition to his burgeoning real estate tycoon skills, he’s become quite the negotiator, even outside of the game.
The other day, we were walking home together.
He wanted to play Monopoly.
I wanted to take a nap.
We agreed that if he completely read a new book he had just received, he could wake me up from the nap and we would play.
I thought the book was about 200 pages, so I was confident I would get in at least 2 hours. (He is a fast reader).
When we got home, I noticed the book was about 90 pages and immediately realized I was in trouble.
Paco recognized the same thing and as I attempted to renegotiate the deal, he knew he had me over a barrel.
What he managed to do in the next 4 minutes, without backing down, was extract a series of concessions from me to enable a 2 hour nap.
The details aren’t important. What’s notable is how he saw the opportunity and leveraged his position.
Yes, I was proud…even in defeat.

Halftime in the Game of Fatherhood (sort of)

The other day we celebrated Tonka’s 9th birthday. It was a great party, orchestrated in a meaningful way by the NFO.

In fact, the event was hosted at the Hebrew Home for the Aged and the event consisted of singing Hannukah songs for the residents and then having the kids do projects with them to make blankets for disadvantaged kids and paint vases for sick children.

And, yes, there was cake.

The kids had a great time.

What struck me, however, was that I had hit a ‘halftime’ of sorts, as Tonka was, in theory, halfway to being out of the house.

Sure, parenting will never be done, but if she leaves at 18, well, then I’m 50% of the way there.

Just like that.

I feel like a cliché when I say that it seems like only yesterday when she was born and I was crying my eyes out (and thanks to the web, it’s only a click away)

In this moment, however, I am acutely aware of the passage of time and how precious it is to be with my kids as they grow up.

My 4.5 Year Old Prefers Decaf

Nadia came down to my office the other day. She looked at my coffee and said, “can I have some?”
It was 6pm and whereas I’d give her a small sip earlier in the day, I didn’t want to take any chances, so I said, “Sorry, no.”
“Ok,” she replied, “can I have some Decaf?”
I chuckled…and made her some.

First Day of School

I remember always being nervous on the night before the first day of school. Now, I’m just a bit sad.

It’s funny in a way.

During the summer when the kids are home, there are times when I think “wow, I would really like some quiet time so I can focus and not get interrupted every 3 minutes.”

On the other hand, I love being able to go upstairs and see them pretty much whenever I wanted. They are my “water cooler” break and we had a great time.

Today, however, was the first day of school. My kids didn’t seem nervous (a good thing), but after they left, I realized that I missed them already. And it had been 20 minutes.

Made me realize how fleeting the time is.

The Parental (and kid) Roller Coaster

After a visit to historic Philadelphia, we took the kids to Hershey Park, PA.

Now, I’m not a big fan of Amusement Parks. I think there’s way too much time wasted waiting in lines. I suppose if I had the “express pass,” I might feel differently, but there’s a part of me that views it as a sad commentary on modern American life.

That being said, I do love the most intense roller coasters.

Unfortunately-at least in this respect-that wasn’t on the agenda as Paco, Tonka, and Nadia didn’t meet the height requirements for a lot of the things that I would have chosen for myself.

However, this wasn’t about me…or what I wanted to do. It was about them and I can honestly say that one of the great experiences of fatherhood was taking them on their first roller coasters and seeing the pure joy (and a bit of nerves) in going through it.

Barely scraping by in terms of height, we got Nadia on a massive log flume (I don’t think she really knew what she was in for) and I’ll admit, there was a moment where I said to myself, “I’m not sure this is a great idea,” but we persevered.

At the bottom, I heard a girl crying and I was concerned. Then I saw that it was the 7 year old NEXT to Nadia (4.5) and my little girl was all smiles (and soaked).

Paco was super excited after doing “the Comet” and all he could says was “That so INTENSE!!” (wonder where he got that from?)

The thing about it was that it was such pure joy to see their pure joy and to be there for that moment of maturation and life experience.

I was excited to share it with them and be there with them…just in case…and thrilled to see how they came through with the attitude that I would want them to have.