The New Homeowners

So, we did it. Closed on the 22^nd of November.

 

Finally, the negotiating and haggling is over. We’re in. There are a whole new set of financial issues, of course, but as I stood in the empty house after the settlement, the larger spiritual consequences dawned on me. It is in this house where my child(ren) will be raised, where they will grow up, and where my wife and I will solidify our marriage.  It is more than a house, it will be a home.  

 

As the contractor’s three weeks of work begin, we are beginning to see the slow transformation of this house from the home of another to ours.  

 

Daunting, yes. Anxiety-ridden…you bet. Exciting…Absolutely!

Late night spirituality

Some of the most beautiful moments I’ve had as a father are when Calanit wakes up in the middle of the night and is hungry. I prepare a bottle for her and in the dark, sit in the rocking chair which my wife so wisely decided we should purchase, and feed her. As I do that, her eyes are half-closed and she is intent on her soy beverage.  When she’s done, I put her on my shoulder and burp her. She’s gotten much larger than almost a year ago and that’s noticeable, but what’s really special is how still she is. These days, she moves around a lot, but late at night, she’s beat and she just lies there, gently, unconsciously stroking my chin or my face with her little fingers. It’s such a tremendous feeling to have this little person of my own creation connecting with me in such a simple, but profound way.

From Bolivia to America

Sometimes we forget how damn lucky we are to live in the United States....

I was talking to my contractor the other night. He's got an amazing story. He came to the US from Bolivia at age 35, with $320 in his pocket, a wife and an 8 month old kid. He was a college graduate, with an engineering degree, but spoke no English. He landed a job for $8/hr. That was 15 years ago.

Now, he's got his own company, owns two houses, his kids are in Gifted and Talented programs in high school and he has his eyes set on retirement at age 60. It was completely inspirational. He spoke of setting goals, staying focused, and watching every penny. For three years, he said, they never went out, "not even to McDonalds." Then, they finally allowed themselves as a family treat to go to McDonalds once a month.

After 10 years or so, he took his first vacation.

I'd heard about the immigrant work ethic and sometimes wonder whether being born here has been a disservice in some way to me.

But what was most enlightening was his total intolerance for those who say that America is flawed, for those who say that freedoms aren't really freedoms here, for those who blame America for the world's problems. Here is a guy who sees nothing but good in America. I was getting emotional as I heard his story and his praise and gratitude for all that it means to be an American.

I was completely alone this Shabbat (Sabbath) for the first time in a long time. For the second time in a month, my love and appreciation for my wife has grown. Calanit wasn't home either (they were in Albany for a dance weekend) and I'll tell you, I felt lonely. No, not the whole time. I kept myself busy, but there were those brief moments of clarity/epiphany when I realized or at least thought about how empty life would be without either one or both of them. No one likes to think these types of thoughts, but it's important. [I once read a book by the Dalai Lama called the Art of Happiness and he says that it's important to visualize and think about the things you don't want to happen so that a. you can be prepared if they ever do come and b. you will appreciate what you have right now.]

It was highly apropos as I sat in synagogue on Saturday morning and read the story of Isaac marrying Rebecca. The Torah makes a point of saying that Isaac first married Rebecca and then he loved her. The idea is that you marry for rational and logical reasons (at least according to the commentary I had) and over time the LOVE grows. The key point being that LOVE grows over time as we learn and live together.

The Super Bowl in November


Ok, enough with the election. It’s a dead heat everywhere, we know that. No matter what happens, 50% of the people are going to be unhappy. We got it. It’s like the pre-game show of the Super Bowl, which lasts for hours and we’re now at the point where they are telling us about the obscure pre-game ritual of the mother of the kicker or something like that. Let’s just do this thing already.

On a different note, Calanit is making remarkable strides. She’s going to be 11 months old next week and is really progressing in her ability to almost crawl, almost stand, almost not make a total mess when she feeds herself. I guess it’s the “Almost Stage’ of her first year. It’s cool because we’re thinking about what we want to do for her first birthday and whereas before my attitude would have been “why bother, she’s not going to remember anyway,” now I realize that it’s more about our ability to mark the year with those we love than anything else, at least at this stage of the game.

On the other front, the house looks like it is going through. A ton of details to manage, that’s for sure, but it’s exciting. Got to manage the urge to spend a ridiculous amount of money though.

I just did a sort/search of my personal contacts and found 21 people who live in battleground states (MN, OH, FL, PA, NH). I sent them the following letter. Feel free to do the same and/or forward.

«First»,

Since you are living in one of the identified “Battleground States,” I feel an obligation to at least reach out to see if you fall into the category of “undecided voters.” My hunch is that you’ve made up your mind, but if there’s even an inkling that you’ll switch your vote, let me know if you’re open to a conversation from a Pro-Bush voter.

Here’s to the great democratic experiment.

Jer

Note: this actually worked..I found one and called him.

It's the little things...

Watching her develop is such an amazing process. She now fully realizes when she has to extend her arms through a sleeve and does it subconsciously like all of us do.

She’s also great at keeping herself occupied. She can play with the same blocks and books for hours and not get bored.

Working at Microsoft...

Is kind of like being on the Yankees. You have a great track record and tend to win a lot. Some people love you. Some people hate your guts. And pretty much any player, if given the opportunity, would join the team.

The value of networking

About 14 months ago, with the help of a new friend, I started the DC chapter of a Jewish professionals networking group called the J2J network (www.j2jnetwork.org). Our mission is simple: to strengthen the Jewish community by facilitating commerce among our members.

 

Our approach is to have an ongoing series of events and meetings where professionals can present themselves as experts in their fields, identify the types of customers they serve, and build relationships with other individuals who can serve as “virtual salespeople” to provide a referral-based channel for business development.  Furthermore, this network of individuals serves as a sounding board for ideas and a cost-effective way to obtain advice on a wide range of issues.

 

So far, we’ve created $2 million worth of business and countless introductions. I’ve personally benefited not only by introducing people to each other who share customer segments or goals, but also by growing and developing a large group of people who can offer me valuable advice on anything from tax planning to home buying and to whom I can provide tips and ideas as well based on my expertise.

Read the contract. One thing I've learned as we go through this home buying process is just that. Too often, we're rushed and we don't read the fine print. Do yourself a favor and read it. Make sure you understand it.

Feeling the void

I missed my wife more during this trip of hers than any other previously. This was the first time she was gone since Calanit was born and because I had to do everything myself, I really began to appreciate her contribution to the family.  I guess in the past, when she was gone, it was like being single again. Yes, I missed her, but I had survived before her without her.  But this time, when I really experienced all that she does to help make this family run and I had the unthinkable thoughts of what I would do if she weren’t around, well, I felt a true love for my wife on a new level.

This parenting thing...

…is tough work. We made it and Calanit is alive and well. Tamar will be coming back this afternoon. I guess I was taking this test on a pass/fail mentality, knowing that if I took it for a grade, I’m probably get a C- from Tamar. If she graded on a curve, I might get an B+, since the standards are lower for me than for her.

After all, I did leave Calanit in her crib wide awake, probably hungry, as I slept. Of course I didn’t hear her, but for all I know, she was awake for 2 hours!  I also took her outside for took long and she got cold and didn’t read to her nearly enough.

 

On the other hand, she’s been fed, cleaned, and clothed and I managed to get her to synagogue on Saturday morning (mostly so people would be in awe of my single parenting skills!)

 

I’ve got a new degree of empathy for mothers and for how much my wife gets done.

 

I told Tamar that this type of experience is like Yom Kippur. Once a year, she should go away for a few days and leave the kid(s) with me. I’ll remember how much she does, be exhausted, and then it’ll be over, she’ll come back and I’ll go back to my old routine, but with a newfound appreciation..

I'm playing "Mr. Mom" for a few days-or really-single parent.

For the first time since Calanit was born, Tamar has left us for a few days. She's off at a dance camp and for 4 days, it's just the Pooka (aka the "Tonkee", "the Garhonka") and me.

So it's not a disaster yet. Fortunately Calanit's 1 day a week caregiver laid out enough outfits for the duration of the period and at least my daughter will be dressed in a matching format.

What I'm starting to appreciate is the amount of work that is required. Frankly, Tamar does the bulk of it, but we're talking about food preparation, diaper bag preparation, just watching her (she's in the other room right now, but with her mobility, I need to check her every few minutes to make sure she's not at the outlet or cords-fortunately she's very good at playing by herself), and man, it's tough to get anything else done, that's for sure. I usually exercise every morning, but w/o Tamar here, I can't get on the Nordic Track when I want, it needs to be coordinated with Calanit's nap. And lastly, I've got to go to bed earlier...this girl wakes up at 5am usually...and don't tell Tamar this, but for some reason (I promise, not intentional), the monitor in the baby's room was off, so I didn't hear her and somehow I just woke up at 6.41am and Calanit was just lying in her crib, wide awake. I have no idea how long she'd been up. Anyway, she's fed now.

You've got to be really efficient, that's lesson #1 on Morning #1.

Epochal Shifts of Time...

There are periods during life when the non-essential items just have to fall to this side. This past month has been one of them. Tamar and I have decided that now is the time for us to buy a house and as of last Wednesday, we have a contract on one. Nothing's final yet, but the inspection is scheduled for this week and if all goes according to plan (which if experience has taught me anything, it won't), we'll settle on 11/22. That's a pretty big step. My grandfather said to me once that the three biggest decisions you make in life are "whom you marry, when you have your first child, and when you buy your first house." They all involve major shifts in responsibility.

Speaking of shifts, I was speaking with Chuck Fox today and he said, "I think you're really an adult when you say to yourself, 'you know, it just makes more sense if I go to bed early.'" How true...

Calanit is 10 months old today and the big achievement of the past week was that we felt tooth #1 push its way through. "The days are long, but the years are short," sayeth my mother.

Balance...had a great talk with a friend, Felix Kushnir, while sitting in his backyard on an absolutely glorious Fall day. We were ruminating about the challenge that we felt as fathers between our desire to participate in multiple aspects of our childrens' lives (taking them to games, helping with homework, etc.), and the overwhelming pressure we feel to provide for them and our families in a financial way which requires, often times, absence from the home, or at the very least, an inability to pay attention while we ARE at home. Suggestions are welcome on how to manage this process.

Microsoft's Dress Code

I wore a suit and tie to go see a customer yesterday.

 

Afterwards, got back to the office and the most frequent comments I heard were:

1. who died?
2. good luck on the interview

 

That’ll give you a small insight into the dress code around here.

 

Have you ever looked at your credit rating? You can do it online. There are three big agencies and it's amazing how much information they have about you.

Tamar and I are thinking about buying a house (more on that later). I'll tell you one thing I've learned in this process. Pay your bills, man. It's like big brother is watching out there.

The Gift of Feminism

My wife likes to joke that in our marriage one of us has a body image disorder, is a feminist, and is overly emotional...the only thing is, it's me.

I've been thinking about feminism recently and started to think some potentially un-PC thoughts. I haven't come to a conclusion, but I am asking the questions.

So, it seems like with the women's liberation movement and the arrival of the two income family, that the expectations of what constitutes a middle class lifestyle increases in terms of economic consumption power. In order to maintain this lifestyle, two incomes are required, for the most part.

So, when a couple has a child, it's not entirely economically feasible for the wife (or the husband for that matter, but for the sake of 'tradition,' let's say the wife) to stay home and simply raise the children. She needs to go out of the home in order to generate the income.

What this does, however, is create a situation in which the raising of the children is effectively outsourced to someone with much less education than the woman who gave birth to the children. Whether there is a difference in cultural values and morals may be debatable, but certainly the woman outside of the home, for the most part, has greater earning potential, probably stemming from advanced education, than the woman (for the most part) hired to take care of the children.

What does this mean, then, for society in the long term? Does it matter really who raises the children? Or is stimulation and sunshine for a 1 or 2 year old impartial based on who is providing it?

In the short term, it's obvious that the family will have more income to support their lifestyle, but I wonder if having non-parents doing the work of parents (with the attached questions of whether someone who, at the end of the day, is working for the money) is a net gain, net loss, or a net wash-out for the children on the micro level and society on the macro level?

All of this came about during a conversation I had with a friend over Rosh Hashana. She's an attorney and with a 4 month old is fretting the decision about going to work. "This is feminism's greatest joke," she remarked. "You can have a job and have a kid, but if you want to raise your kid yourself, then what do you do?" Or something like that, but I think you get the point.

It's not that I didn't cherish life and living when I was younger, it's just that I thought...well, it's got to end sometime, so although it would be cool to live to 100, in reality, what difference does it really make if you go when you're 20, 50, or 100? Sure, you've seen and done a few more things and you gain some perspective, but it's over when it's over, right?

Well, now the thing is, when I think about death-which I do a lot more now that I have a daughter-I think about how the thing I don't want to miss out on is what type of person my daughter is going to grow into and become. I don't want to miss any stage of her development. That's what keeps me going. It's a great feeling in a way to live for something truly larger than yourself, I suppose.

"She's been out as long as she was in."

Today is Calanit's 9 month birthday (and my half birthday!). She just had her check-up, is 17 lbs and is in the 45th percentile for height and 25th for weight (or maybe it's reversed), but the point is she's doing great.

Her personality is really developing. She's standing (with help) quite well and has a great smile. It's amazing.

Many people have said to me "once you have a kid, you can't think of life without her." Well, in the spiritual sense, that's true, but in the normal, convenience sense...well, I can remember not having to get up early to change diapers and not having to worry about child care, but it's all good. She's more than worth it.

I can't get over how much I love this little girl.

The latter half of this week has been like the Twilight Zone. On Wed. morning, I was responsible for a relatively large marketing event that required a great deal of preparation. I knew I had to be there by 7.30am, so I was planning to get to bed at 9.30pm on Tues. night. Being the nerd that I am, I checked email only to see that everything that I thought was under control wasn't. It's a long story, but basically I didn't get to bed until 1pm, got up at 5.15am and went to the event.

At 12.30pm, I left the event in Reston, VA, picked up my wife in Chevy Chase, drove to the Bronx (yes, you read that correctly) for a wedding at 6.30. We left the wedding at 11.15pm and we returned to my parents house (where our daughter was in the midst of her first ever sleep-over) at 3.45am. By 9.30am the next morning, I was back in my office.

Since then, I've been trying to recover. Man, do I need this Sabbath rest in a big way.