Wedding Gifts as Memory Creators

I will admit, I don’t usually put much thought into wedding gifts. My philosophy is “either buy from the registry or give cash.”

That’s what people usually really need when they are starting out.

But, the other day, my friend and former running partner, Robyn, sent me a note to challenge this belief.

“I keep thinking of you and NFO, because you gave us some lovely trays as a wedding gift, "to serve each other." 

We use them all the time and, lately, our younger daughter has taken to using them to surprise someone in the family with breakfast in bed.  With reciprocation, this has generated quite a few different breakfasts in bed for different members of the family, all on the trays that you gave to us. 

It is nice to see Hilary's delight at giving the simple gift of a cup of coffee and a bowl of Cheerios on a tray, or receiving breakfast on a tray herself.  Anyways, this new "tradition" that Hilary has started for our family struck me as very much in the spirit of the gift that you gave to us, so I thought that you might like to hear about it.”

Now, it’s possible that these were on Robyn’s wedding registry, but obviously the note that accompanied it (undoubtedly written by the NFO) lodged itself in Robyn’s mind…and though we haven’t seen each other in a LONG time, still serves as a bond.

Maybe towels aren’t the way to go?

What is your wedding gift philosophy?

More reasons to be anti-Gift Cards

My opposition to gift cards is well documented.

I say, just give cash and be done with it.

But now, there is a practical reason.

A new company Gift Card Rescue offers you bankruptcy protection should the company that sold you the gift card go out of business.

Another risk you don't face with cash.

And don't tell me, "oh Barnes and Noble won't go out of business."

Yeah, that's what people said 40 years ago about GM and Ford...and they may as well be.

Gift Hall of Fame Entrant...

A quick backstory for some of our newer readers.

Our primary social activity is having friends join us for lunch on the Sabbath (Saturday). To minimize hassle and maximize efficiency, we invite people over up to 6 months in advance. (Here's the strategy document explaining it.)

That craziness is mine, but the NFO has her own set of rules, including the requirement that people not bring gifts to our home.

For a while, this worked, but popular opinion was such that we had to modify that position a bit, because folks said they "wanted" to bring a gift.  Fine. The NFO still didn't want them to bring things to contribute to the meal, but I was perfectly happy to begin outsourcing the procurement of highly utilitarian items to our friends.

One of the side "benefits," if you can call it that, is a mild sense of competition among our guests to bring something memorable.  Some of the classics are listed here and others have been mentioned on the blog over time.

For example, the Lustmans gave us WD-40, the Lowensteins, a fire extinguisher.Others have 'flipped the script' on us as well.

Well, this weekend, we have a new entrant. Arguably, one of the most unique ever.

Longtime readers will know of my love of Purell, documented both here and on the Igniting the Revolution blog.

So, needless to say I was PUMPED UP to receive a wall-mountable Purell dispenser (with refills!) from Adam and Ayelet Schorr. It now hangs proudly in my front hall. Yes, you can walk into my house and immediately make your hands germ free.

But, as the saying goes, 'wait, there's more.'

Adam's sense of humor is, well, uh, sort of like mine...insofar as he kind of gets the joke, so he also brought one solitary rose with a note for the NFO (pictured) that read:

"Anytime you want to ditch Jer and run away to Mexico with me, just say the word."

His daughter was mortified. Not sure how the NFO really felt about it, but me? I freakin' loved it.

Definitely memorable. Definitely remarkable.

Also, for background, here is the requirements document and Conditions of Acceptance…(here) as well as acceptable gift items. (yes, more than a “bit” of gumption on this one), if you are ever invited.

Thank You Note Bankruptcy and the Beauty of a Blog Community…

I was just loving the multiple, varied, and challenging responses to my post on Thank You Note Bankruptcy as they came in.

This is why I tell people that I think the comments are the BEST part of the blogging experience. I like how commenters respond and build on each other. This is what makes us a mini-community and why people say that “blogs are conversations.”

So, jump in and add a comment.

Now, onto the matter at hand.

There were some AMAZING comments. What’s better than having your readers quote back your previous posts to you and telling you that you are a hypocrite?

I’ll tell you: NOTHING! Well done, Ben.

Now, Gadi led the charge in asking for my response. And, if I were smart, I would have buried this in the pre-4th of July deadzone so people wouldn’t see how much of a beating I took, but you know me and 2400 posts into the FOJ blog, that’s not how I roll.

Anyway, there are two points here.

1. Is it ungrateful to not write a note or at least somehow acknowledge the gift?
2. What is the point of the gift-giving process?

Let’s dispatch with number 1. I’ll grant that it’s ungrateful to not acknowledge. I’m all in favor of acknowledging, I was just asking about notes. The consensus seems to be stop blogging, write some T.Y. notes. Ok, done.

Now, the second point, for which Jamie and Keren were the primary proponents, that gift-giving is about BOTH the giver and the receiver.

Jamie wrote:

when you shun the whole process, or try to engineer it for some people, you are taking away something from them. Gift-givers get something out of going out of their way to give you something. At least I know I do. I enjoy thinking about a couple or a family on a special occasion and trying to figure out what they need and how I can give them something to help with that need.

And Keren wrote:

While I am not opposed to registries, gift-giving is neither entirely about the recipient, nor entirely about the giver - it is about both. Which is why, sometimes, there is special value in the giver going outside of the registry box to think about what would be a good gift for the recipient (although, as I have said before, the process should not be unduly influenced by the giver's own preferences).

But, here is the part I can’t reconcile.

Both of them say that one of the best parts of the process for the giver is in the effort to try and find that good gift for the recipient. Their intentions are pure, they want to get a “fit” based on a whole slew of criteria. Great.

But, as we all know, some times the giver is wrong in his/her assessment of what is a perfect fit. (Let’s assume that a portion of those were from people with Keren/Jamie pure intentions.)

So, for the sake of argument, let’s say that the Keren/Jamie’s of the world (hereafter: KJ) are right in their “out of the box” thinking 65% of the time that a non-registry gift is a good fit. Whereas, if you give a gift that is off the registry, it is 100% certain that it is a good fit.

According to their logic then, they’d rather have a 65% chance of having a perfect fit and a 35% chance of giving a gift that isn’t right than taking the 100% guarantee.

But, I guess it comes down to process vs. results.

I am focused on results, not on process. So, for me, that doesn’t work.

If I give you a gift, I want to KNOW that I have given you something that you value.

(Maybe that’s a global micro-brand thing, I don’t know, but I know the reactions I have had (and I’ve seen from others) when you get a gift that is just a dud. You want to be grateful, but man, who really needs this thing, right?)

KJ, on the other hand, puts more emphasis on the process of gift giving.

They enjoy the thought, preparation, search, the creative aspect of aligning all of the factors that come into playa, and challenge of finding the perfect fit.

To me, that just doesn’t make sense, since I’d rather have the bird in the hand, so to speak.

Frankly, it also seems a bit selfish. If the gift is FOR the other person, then the only thing that matters is whether it benefits the other person or not. In the KJ scenario, they are perfectly happy that they enjoyed the process of finding the perfect gift even though they actually didn’t accomplish that goal 35% of the time (or whatever it is, but we know it is less than 100%).

I guess KJ likes the self-deception :-)

The process (and results) are about the recipient, not about the giver, nor what I get out of the process as the giver.

I’m going to pay for this one.

Ok, readers…you smell blood in the water, now go for it!

Thank You Note Bankruptcy…

I’ve heard people declare email bankruptcy, but I wonder if anyone has declared “thank you note bankruptcy?”

It’s been 3 months since Gianni’s simchat bat and there are still items which we haven’t even opened.

Part of me lives in a denial state of “if we haven’t opened it, we don’t have to write a thank you note for it.”

It’s not that we don’t appreciate the gifts (though the whole institution can be questioned), but with 3 kids, it’s an activity that keeps getting pushed down the priority scale.

I’ve had people tell me that for 3rd or 4th kids, they just make a phone call  (more environmentally friendly anyway, I suppose) and gift-givers should understand.

So, I guess there’s a sliding degree of difficulty scale for gifts. Newlyweds must respond, people with 6 or 7 kids: you write the  note for them.

If we haven’t written to you yet, apologies. Seriously.

And while I am on the topic of gifts, I’ll return to my usual rant questioning the whole practice.

Got an email the other day from a future guest saying:

“We  know we can’t bring anything per the NFO, but wanted to ask you directly what is permissible.”

So, then I was in the position of sending him the list of acceptable gift items. It felt a bit childish.

Upon further reflection, I realized I have an ongoing/evolving bridal registry. Given my utilitarian outlook, I suppose this is logical.

Since when we go to weddings, I either give cash or buy something off the registry.

Now, back to the original topic: is thank you  note bankruptcy an option or am I just being ungrateful?

WD-40: the gift that keeps on giving...

I've touched more than once on our strategy for inviting people months in advance for Sabbath meals.

Some like it, some don't.

One element that is challenging, for some, is the "no gifts" (or 'restricted gifts') policy.

Well, the other day, about one year after I received a can of WD-40 from the Lustman family, I had occasion to use it.

It solved a big problem.

And I thought of them.

Appreciated their foresight.

And fondly remembered our meal together.

How's that for a gift that keeps on giving?

More on the Gift Revolution...

So, apparently, we as a country waste $8bn on gift cards per year.

Another reason to just give cash.

I'm the room parent for Paco's 2 year old nursery...that's what we're doing for Hannukah.