In the hospital ...

I feel like we're at the end of a TV reality show?.

Since we don't know what we're having (in terms of boy or girl), but we have the names of each, it's like we have two finalists on stage and we're saying?."and the envelope please," so we will know who it is.

Anyway, we're in the hospital. Tamar's just received the epidural and the "night and day" transformation has occurred. She's doing well enough and we're playing the waiting game. The nurse has predicted a baby arrival between 2.30 and 3.30 am.

The anesthesiologist is a very entertaining guy of Korean origin was entertained by my limited knowledge of his native language, particularly the term "Imjinwueran" which refers to the occupation of Korea by Japan in 1592.

I tried to piggyback on the hospital network like last time, but to no avail. I'm going to send this from my PocketPC. We'll see if it works.

1.33am-Tamar's water just broke! Won't be long now.

Holding out...

The other night, we wanted the baby to come, but since Friday, we wanted it to wait. Why?

Well, Tamar did not want to be in the hospital for Shabbat (the Sabbath) and then we had a few pre-existing scheduled items. I gave the sermon at services this morning and while, of course, I would have skipped it...I did work hard on it and was looking forward to giving it.

Tamar had committed to lead a portion of services this evening and so, she wanted it to wait until she had fulfilled her commitment.

And lastly, Tamar's father would normally be the person to perform the ritual circumcision in the event that it is a boy (we don't know yet). The circumcision (bris)(assuming the baby is healthy) takes place 8 days after the boy is born. There's a lot to explain here, but had the baby been born during the day on Saturday (and due to travel considerations), her father would not have been able to perform the bris because he has a HUGE wedding to perform next Saturday night.

Anyway, we made it past all of those milestones.

Tamar has just come home from the synagogue and tells me that her contractions are evenly spaced 5 mintues apart for 1 minute each. She just called the doctor.

I'll keep you posted.

Past midnight and still going, but w/o a strategy...

After a short break, she resumed with some squats and now is doing splits and floor stretches.

Our big problem, I just realized, is that we're winging it without a clear strategy towards our goal.

Still trucking...

She claims she's stopping at 11.45. That will be 35 minutes non-stop (that's more exercise than I got today). We'll see. Got to push her to the wall. :-)

Attempting to induce labor....contd-2

Just took a video of her going around the house....and I'm giving her high fives as she laps through the kitchen.

Attempting to induce labor....contd

She just asked for water and I handed her a cup while she was walking. On her next lap, she tossed it to the side of the road. It's like Lance Armstrong in the Tour de France.

Attempting to induce labor....

Tamar's had enough. Lesson here: try to avoid having your wife at full term in August.

She's ready to go and it's 11.30pm on Tuesday night and for the last 15 minutes, she's been climbing up and down the steps and doing laps in the basement and on the main floor. I'm acting as her coach...."you can do this!"

"Heart of a champion! Eye of the tiger, baby!!"

She's showing a lot of heart right now, I must say.

"Pump those arms!"

This is a tremendous display of will, desire, and guts.
It's Tamar vs. Nature and knowing Tamar, as I do, Nature doesn't stand a chance.

Meanwhile, I'm drinking tea and blogging on the laptop in the kitchen.

Tamar vs. Nature, round 2. Ding, ding....

Envy...

What is it about the human condition that causes envy?

It's not that I spend hours and hours envying others for what they have, but these thoughts do cross my mind.

I look around at all that I am blessed with and pinch myself...why should I envy anyone else? But I. It doesn't make sense.

Virtual Travel

Getting a nice return on the investment of my three years abroad.

I'm not spending much time travelling internationally these days, of course, but I've taped a few shows recently from the Travel Channel called "Passport to Europe" that has highlighted places I've been such as Bavaria, Berlin, Prague, Vienna, and others.

Many of the places they go, I too have visited and it makes me appreciate even more the opportunity I had when I was younger.

Playing the Waiting Game...

I feel like a guy who is cramming for a final exam. It's just around the corner and the time available to prepare is shrinking and thus, by perception, it's accelerating.

The baby's due any day now and I am doing whatever I can to deal with the various details of life, both large and relative minutiae, because I know we're going to have significantly limited time in the not too distant future.

No Internet...

About a week ago, our area was hit by a huge storm, which knocked out our Internet and Cable TV (and b/c I use Vonage...my phone as well). Not necessarily the best for a family with an impending baby arrival.

It was a strange experience. The first few days were rough, but after I scheduled the service call, a calm resignation set in and I ended up enjoying the peace and quiet. I spend a lot of time reading and doing some things around the house which I had put off (weren't critical, but nice to haves).

2nd Child Syndrome?

I can already see how the first and second children differ…and we don’t even have the kid in hand yet.

With pregnancy number one, our lives revolved around the fetus, monitoring progress, filming Tamar’s growing belly on a weekly basis. Everything was about the baby.

With this one, there’s just so much going on..primarily the fact that we’ve got a 19 month live one running around the house that keeps us occupied.

My parents always said that they treated each kid fairly, but not necessarily equally. I’m starting to get the drift.

Me vs. House

House 3, Jer 0.

It seems like I am bound to lose this battle, valiantly though I may fight.

This past Friday night, an absolutely MASSIVE storm hit us at 1.30am. I thought it was the wrath of God/beginning of the Apocalypse.

Anyway, 30 minutes later, we lost electricity, which necessitated a family move to the basement to avoid the heat-and of course a mid-sleep move of the toddler.

As I was walking around the basement, I discovered that as a result of leaves covering the storm drain, water had penetrated the basement door, gone into my office, and under a wall into the main room. We narrowly averted disaster in that a few feet more and my entire computer set up would have been in the water's path. I shudder to think about the consequences. Since then, it's been constant towels, vacuuming, fans, and now a de-humidifier to get things right (plus, I packed the door with additional insulation-old t-shirts- and will have to get something to prevent the drain from getting covered again.)

Focus vs. Big Ideas

The secret is out that, at least in some respect, one of life's purposes is the search for balance between extremes.

I wonder if another two extremes are between periods of intense focus and those of intense whatever the opposite of focus is (unfocus? scatterbrained-edness? open-minded-ness?)

I think this occurs on a macro level as well as a micro level.

These days, I'm a very focused on a macro level. I've got my family and my job. That's pretty much all I think about. On a micro level, there are days when I lose focus or can't stay focused, but by and large, I'm focused.

While I was in college, I was focused on a macro level on academic achievement. While I travelled in Europe and Asia, I was hardly focused--well, I was focused on just seeing the world. Hmmm....maybe you're always focused, it's just not always so clear.

I've got to think about this one a bit more. I'm not so focused right now :-)

An interesting parental moment

Somehow my daughter managed to get a kernel of corn up her small nostril tonight.

Averting a trip to the ER and with the help of a straw (suctioning the kernel down to the end) and a pair of tweezers from my Swiss Army Knife (to shred and remove the piees), we successfully removed the nasal obstruction.

And contrary to what you might expect, she was laughing the whole time, thinking it was funny that her father had a straw up her nose.

One of many "I never thought I'd ever be doing that" moments.

Social Networking

Many people within my personal network have recently received an inviation to join my "LinkedIn" virtual/digital network. The reaction-which is pretty much the one I have as well-has been quite unanimous.

"I'll do it, but I'm not sure what the value is."

Frankly, I'm not sure what the immediate value is either, but here's my take on it.

LinkedIn (and there are others that attempt to do the same, both in the business world (like Spoke) and personal world (like Friendster)) provides you an opportunity to demonstrate a unique value proposition that you bring to the world-namely your network (and extended network) of contacts.

As I've written before, I spend a lot of time thinking about what aspect of my job can/should be outsourced to India. One area that can't be outsourced is my relationship to other people and the feelings that they have for me.

When you are at the center of a network, your perceived value to the network increases. People need YOU to make connections to others. Now, as my friend pointed out, he could go directly to someone and say "Jeremy sent me," but we all know it's much more valuable if I write to you and say "hey, you REALLY need to talk with this guy." (assuming of course you value my opinion in the first place :-)]

Now, the problem with LinkedIn and the others is that it's not quite clear to most people HOW exactly you benefit from it and what is the best way to utilize it. That's the short term problem.

In the long term, however, I do beleive that being able to demonstrate the power and viability of your network is something that is going to be critical.

High Quality Wedding Speeches

"I could tell you a good story about the groom, but I won't...."

How many times have you been to a wedding where the best man or maid of honor says something like that? I mean, who the hell cares?

Either tell us a good story or don't tell us that you COULD tell us one. We all know that.

I'm tired of lame wedding speeches, but fortunately, yesterday, Tamar and I were priviliged to hear 3 fantastic speeches in a row. They drew pictures, they allowed us to see the personal side of the groom and bride from people who had great perspectives on them, and they were entertaining.

Some key memorable lines from the groom:

"A woman always has the last word in an argument. When a man speaks after the last word, it is the first word of a new argument."

To his bride: "you are the most beautiful, talented, amazing woman I've ever met. You're thoughtful, sensitive, and, uh, honey, I can't read your handwriting here."

"I've learned a few lessons in the few months of dating my wife. "When you're wrong, admit it. When you're right, well, I haven't had that happen yet."

Infant Training Camp

We have some great friends who live two blocks away from us. Their names are: Jeremy and Tamar. Yes, you read that correctly.

Even better, the other Tamar is having a baby and she's due basically the same day as "my" Tamar is due.

I was speaking with Tamar #2 this morning and the usual polite conversation regarding how each of the Tamars was feeling during the penultimate month of the pregnancy arose.

Tamar 2 is experiencing the same problems that Tamar 1 is. It's difficult and uncomfortable for her to sleep.

I expressed sympathy.

"It's all part of God's plan," Tamar said. "If a woman goes from a solid 8 hours a night to having to get up every two hours, it would be too much of a shock to the system. This way, she's ready for when the baby is born."

"I like that," I said, "kind of like training camp."

Then, I realized the next logical step in the argument.
"Well, if that's the case, then it would seem that men, who are going from a solid 8 hours would suffer too much of a shock to the system and probably shouldn't get up in the middle of the night to do the feedings."

"I hadn't quite taken it to that step," Tamar replied.

[This pre-supposes that theere is not another child in the house that gets up early-witness the fact that it is 4am now and Calanit is sitting next to me eating Cheerios]

Later, I shared the 'Training Camp' idea with my Tamar, who indicated that she had shared the same viewpoint with me many times, further highlighting my poor spousal listening skills.

After backing myself into a hole by essentially admitting-again-that I don't hear when my wife talks, I valiantly tried to explain that it would be too great of a shock to my system to get up in the middle of the night for feedigns since I hadn't gone through the Training Camp.

My wife, the lawyer, denied my appeal.

Picture at right: most recent sonogram of Baby #2

Affluenza and Competitiveness

Competition is good. Change is healthy.

I think you'd better believe that if you expect to prosper in the future.

I spend a lot of time thinking about outsourcing and the rise of China and India. I ask myself at least weekly, "what part of my job can/should be outsourced at a cheaper rate?"

As Americans, we have a sense of entitlement to ever rising standards of living, wages, and material gain. Our affluence, however, may be backfiring, as we spend less time educating our minds and, like the grasshopper of a different parable, saving for the future.

Read a great article in Fortune recently. It suggests that our kids spend more time watching TV, playing video games, and not exercising their brains than their counterparts in China, India, and South Korea. In those countries, parents push and push for excellence in science, math, and technology. Without technological leadership, the article argues, economic prosperity becomes a challenge. In those countries, they push kids away from the arts.

Now, I think there is a role for the arts, don't get me wrong, because a solid liberal arts education provides critical thinking and sythensizing capabilities that a purely technical one will not, which to me, is a key for adapting to change. That being said, however, I would agree that our society has moved farther and farther away from a serious commitment to general mathematic and scientific competency.

This is cause for concern.

The real question is: what do I do so that my kids are ready to compete? Actual, the real question may be: what do I need to do so that I remain competitive?

The other side of business...

A former boss of mine in Japan said to me "I only do business with people I like."

The obvious component of business success is a relentless focus on the objectives and the metrics. The other is the people. There are those on your direct team, your co-workers and employees, but there are those with whom you do business.

Once upon a time, I would go to a conference and dilligently attend the sessions, looking to acquire as much theoretical knowledge as possible. Now, however, I realize that equally important is understanding (and I mean really understanding) the people outside of your business with whom you work-your partners and customers.

Instead of getting out early, I stayed out late, nothing crazy, but just chatting with people, figuring out what makes them tick and what they want in life and business. It's about having the comfort so that when those tough moments come in business-and they invariably will-you can call someone up and say, "man, this isn't working right" and the person on the other end of the line trusts you.

Minneapolis...

Best remark by a local: "we have two seasons, construction and winter."

As my friend and I rode into town last week, we asked ourselves "what is the essence of Minneapolis?"

Well, after 5 days there (arguably during the best two months of the year), I'm not sure I've got the essence of it, but it's a great city/town. The downtown is neat (in fact there are overhead, covered walkways that enable the citizens of the city to walk throughout downtown during the winter months without ever having to go outside) and is split by a bus only, mostly pedestrian street (Nicollette) and is bordered on the east by the Mississippi river.

The people are friendly and somewhat surprisingly multi-cultural (had a haircut by a Vietnamese woman and my taxi driver was from Kenya-a far cry from Minnesota!).

I was quite impressed.

On Friendship

Got a great response from Andrew Bonime re: Friendship

I quote in part:

"IN thinking about the different TYPES of friendship, I am reminded of Aristotle's three definitions:

Friendship based on sensuality
Friendship based on mutual utility, and
Teleia Philia (the completed friendship).

Here is a very good discussion on the three types that is more succinct than I could make it:

Referring to Aristotle's essay on friendship, relationships based on sensuality will endure as long as the parties are in receipt of such commodity; likewise, those based on utility will remain operative as long as the parties involved find each other mutually useful. There is, however, a "friendship grounded in virtue, such that one desires for one's friend what is best for one's friend, and this for the sake of one's friend. This is perfected or completed friendship (teleia philia), for its aims do not go outside the friendship itself... teleia philia is not characteristic of most friendships... A perfected friendship is possible only between those who are relevantly equal, though the measure of equality is not quantitative but proportional: as the audience and the great performer are not equal, but each grants to the other what is due: that is sufficient equality." [i.e. there is mutual respect; more than this, an appreciation, e.g., for the talents of others based on the observer's study and dedication to refinement.]

I have had few of the third type, but those I have are as precious as they are rare."

As a Man, the world is your bathroom...

I used to say that and 9 out of 10 times, it's true and being a man is an advantage.

The 10th time is on an airplane going through turbulence.

September 11th-Just another day?

I was struck the other day when I heard an ad on the radio talking about a sale that ends on "September 11th." It was said in such a run of the mill fashion and I thought to myself...I guess 4 years is how long it takes to get back to "normal."

And then this morning's attack in London. It seems like the Brits have a big choice in how to respond--and I hope it is not like the way the Spaniards did.

On Planting a Tree

Somewhere along the line, I heard a great story about a man planting a tree.

A passer-by stopped and said, "Hey, you're an old man, this tree won't even give fruit for 50 years, what are you doing?"

The man replied, "just like my grandfather planted a tree for me so I would have fruit, I am doing the same for my grandchildren."

Another story I read was a piece of advice saying that you should plant a tree when a child is born. Well, I didn't quite do that, but since this is our first summer in our new home, I did take the opportunity to plant a tree in the backyard. I was quite emotional as I did, as this little maple tree now begins to mark my life and as it grows, so does my family, but G-d willing, it will continue well beyond my years.

I plant a tree so that Calanit and her siblings will have it at full strength when they are adults.

There's a tree in my parents' front yard that was planted by my brother, Barak, with my father many years ago. It is quite an impressive site now to behold.

Friends and what they mean...

Calanit endured 5 hours in the car on Sunday so that I could extend the friendship with one of my dearest, oldest friends to the next generation.

It was a bittersweet visit for the simple reason that he and his family are moving to Atlanta from Charlottesville, VA and we won't be able to visit them so often. Not that we did that much, what with kids, house, and all, but we knew we could...and we did on occasion.

I realized, again, how valuable old, true friends are, as we seemed to pick up right where we left off and rapidly discussed many topics, with a common foundation which need not be revisited. It was wonderful to see how his kids and Calanit could play and share in common activities...like watching Elmo.

It was also a bit emotional as I realized how great the friends from childhood are and how time, distance, and circumstances can make the visits less and less frequent and feeling that is only intensified by the power of the connection during the visit.

However, that is life and these are the roads we travel.

I am glad I took her and that we all have this milestone in our collective memories to look back upon as we go down the path.

Movie Review: Hotel Rwanda

Hotel Rwanda

Saw the movie last night. Don't know where to begin.

Maybe because it's the story of a different genocide (other than the Holocaust) and one that I'm not used to, I found myself reacting quite emotionally, viscerally, and in tears.

As I age and appreciate the inherent beauty of life even more, it becomes more and more difficult for me to comprehend this type of human behavior.

And as Tamar pointed out, "it's going on now in Darfur."

My brother, Barak, is organizing to raise awareness, but somehow, it's so easy for us to, as they say in the movie "see it on TV, say 'isn't that terrible,' and then go back to eating their dinner.'

We've seen what happens when the US gets involved, like we did in Somalia and from a removed, strategic perspective, it's easy to explain why the US/West doesn't/can't get involved. But, there is a human level here and something has to be done. That is the lesson of the Holocaust.

Many writers have commented on the uniqueness of Al-Qaeda as a supra-national network that is organized for militant evil.

What if there were a supra-national network organized for good?

It's clear, to me at least, that in cases like Rwanda and Darfur, we're not going to be able to negotiate the end of the massacre.

Wouldn't it be cool and almost super-hero-esque to have a group of people who were dedicated to the idea of protecting the innocent from massacre, without thinking about geo-political consequences (and not even being part of a state for that matter) but who had the weaponry and firepower to go and just kill the perpetrators of the Darfur massacre. That would send a message.

I bet there would be people willing to finance it, too.

I'm still shaken by this movie.

No matter what, you need to wake up and start running

I just finished Tom Friedman's book "The Lexus and the Olive Tree" about Globalization. It was fantastic and aided my understanding of many of the trends that I've seen.

Perhaps I'm paranoid (or just a student of Andy Grove), but I do ask myself on a weekly basis "what part of my job could be done in India?"

He relates a great story about the challenges of the age of Globalization.

In Africa, every night the lion goes to sleep knowing that in the morning, he must run faster than the slowest gazelle if he's going to eat. The gazelle goes to sleep knowing that he must run faster than the fastest lion if he's going to live.

The one thing they both know is that when they wake up, they had better both start running!

Now, the kicker is....how do you run at full speed, but watch everything go by in slow motion so you can make those tremendous insights based on observation?

One thing I've come to appreciate is people who can seriously seek the underlying concepts to what would otherwise appear to be ridiculous topics...while at the same time recognizing the inherent sarcasm in the intellectual pursuit in which they are engaged.

"I want to say something worthy of being put on your Blog."
-Gadi Rozmaryn, June 9, 2005

That's worthy enough for me.

Father-Daughter Travel

When I look back at my life’s activities and experiences, I have no doubt that yesterday; Sunday, June 5, 2004 will be remembered as one of the greatest I’ve had.

Growing up, I was fortunate to have many 1:1 travel experiences with my father. Not only did it bring me closer, but it empowered me as a self-reliant individual and gave me a thirst for knowledge and experience.

A few weeks ago, I received an invitation to what was essentially the 3rd birthday party of our godson, Nadiv Lev Rose, whose parents are very dear friends of mine and who will be moving to St. Louis later this summer from Long Island. I hadn’t seen them in a long time and realized that a trip to the Midwest was not imminent. The game plan involved a day trip up and back to Long Island for the festivities and then to parlay that event into a rendezvous with some college/high-school friends whom I had not seen in a while.

Initially, I was going to drive, but then the idea hit me that with Sunday being a day when Tamar works and I’m responsible for Calanit, I would bring her along. That necessitated a flight from BWI to Long Island (I seriously contemplated 6 hours in the car each way, but came to my senses…eventually).

Calanit and I woke at 5.30am and were at the airport by 7am. We rented a car with a car seat for her and were in Old Westbury by 9:50am. Then, Roslyn Heights at 12.30pm, Great Neck at 2:40pm and Locust Valley at 4.30 and back to the airport by 6pm. The weather was beautiful, 90 degrees, and Calanit was AMAZING.

At each stop, she was more engaging and entertaining than the previous one. She was a tremendous trooper, behaved quite well on the plane, didn’t mind having her diaper changed in strange places like a car, the men’s bathroom, or other people’s homes. She was even great when sitting in her stroller while I was standing at the urinal!

What a traveler this kid was. At the birthday party, she played with kids and balloons (ate like a champ also). At one house, for one minute she had a fit because her bathing suit was too tight and she didn’t want to go in the pool, but other than that, played ball with two boys, played peek-a-boo with an expectant father, and engaged with a 7 month old infant. And she did all of this with two 20 minute naps.

I couldn’t believe my good fortune. We played and laughed with each other while in the car as I explained why some of the names on Long Island had native American origins and the economics as they related to New York City.

I was thrilled to show her the importance and value that I place on maintaining relationships with people who have influenced you and been a good friend to you over the course of your life.

All day, it was as if my heart was expanding in love for my daughter. I was so proud to continue what I consider to be an Epstein family tradition of father-child travel.

Our planning and execution were flawless (well one minor one, but who’s counting?)

We got to the airport at 6pm for our 7.40 flight…only to be told that it was delayed until 9! Then 10:30!
“Ugh, what am I going to do to keep her entertained for 3 hours?”

Well, Calanit was up to the task. She ran around the terminal, found 2 friends and chased them in an out of the railings and chairs. She was laughing and playing the whole time.

Finally, at 11pm, we got on the flight to Baltimore and 25 minutes later, with a few whimpers, she crashed hard on the seat, out cold. I jostled her briefly into her stroller, then into the car, and then into the crib (12.45am), but she wasn’t bothered.

Initially, I was thinking that my luck had to turn, but then I realized that this experience was good for her. I had explained earlier in the day that travel can be made easier by good planning and we demonstrated that.

Then, there is the part of travel (as in life) that is outside of your control. The weather in Chicago (the origin of our plane) falls in that category and sometimes you just have to deal. I thought that as an initiation to travel, it was an added bonus that she saw that not everything always goes as planned.

It didn’t faze her at all.

I just felt so fortunate to have taken this time to take my daughter on a trip where we really “lived” and made the most of the day, a Carpe Diem type of day; where she met some friends of mine and made friends of her own, and where the two of us had a chance to bond.

Hopefully, this is the first of many.

Blogging Hits the Mainstream

I remember back during the Internet boom days that there were two instances that told me that the Internet hype was out of control. One was on the New York City subway where I heard two old ladies talking about Lycos and another, on the Long Island Rail Road, where two people were talking about their investments in some remote website (I'd heard of it, because that was my industry, but it was certainly not something that I thought the average person needed to know about).

Anyway, I'm not saying that Blogging has hit the same mania, but two recent pieces of evidence suggest that it's become mainstream.

First, my brother in law, who is a periodontist (and don't get me wrong, I love him dearly) tells me that the way he is going to fight back against credit card payment processors is by starting a blog for other dentists/small business owners.

Then, my 10th grade English teacher (whom I saw at a school alumni event) tells me that she has just returned from Israel. I say "hey, I'd love to see your write up of your experiences, can you email it to me?"
"Oh, I haven't done that yet, though it would make sense since I am an English teacher," she replies, "but I was thinking of starting a blog."

Back on Top

What is about sports teams that makes us experience events vicariously?

When I was a kid, I lived and died with the fortunes of the Washington Redskins. At some point, that changed, and when I got to college, I became a die-hard fan of the Johns Hopkins lacrosse team. As the only Division 1 sport at the school and with a very proud legacy (more national titles than any other school), we had reason to be optimistic.

Yet, the championship eluded us every year since 1987. An unbearable 18 years passed before we ascended to the top spot this past Monday.

What’s worse is that each spring was filled with hope and the team performed quite well in the regular season. Frequently, we were #1 and in my senior season, er, year, we were undefeated (I went to every game that year-home AND away). Yet, we’d always run into a “hot” goalie or some other obstacle that would cause us to lose. Each spring would start with the best beliefs and end with a “next year.”

This year, however, was “next year.”

This year, we were coached by a returning son, who had played on the last championship team and whose sole mission was to restore Hopkins to its rightful place at the top of college lacrosse.

On Saturday, we faced a familiar nemesis, UVA, which had quashed our most recent hopes in the Finals 2 years ago. After a miraculous come from behind victory, we encountered a newcomer to the upper echelons of the college lacrosse world, Duke, which had motive for revenge following a close defeat one month prior as well as possessing the nation’s best offense.

Yet somehow, this year, we had the “hot” goalie and in a game that was in doubt until the very end, we came out on top.

During the entire game, my heart was pounding. I was jumping for joy when we scored. I wore my jersey. The kid in me lived on. I reconnected with people I hadn’t talked to in a while simply because my, no ‘our’ team had become the champions.

We didn’t score a goal, play defense, or attend practice, yet somehow, I feel this victory is as much mine as the guys who played.

Why is that? What is it about the allegiance to a sports team that creates this emotional bond?

Decisiveness vs. Impulsiveness

In his book, "Only the Paranoid Survive," Andy Grove, the former CEO of Intel suggests that one of the most common mistakes in business (and arguably in life) is waiting too long to make a decision. Usually, people know what they have to do, but for emotional reasons, can't bring themselves to do it.

I try to take this to heart, but sometimes I feel like in my rush to make a decision, I don't always think through all of the options.

The other day, I had a guy out to my house to clean my chimney. He told me that the chimney was fine, but the liner was cracked and it would cost a chunk of money to repair it.

I said "yes," without even really thinking it over or getting another estimate just because I wanted it done.

Upon further reflection, I realized I had made a mistake. This was not something that had to be done right now, I just wanted it over with and didn't really think it through.

Now, I've got to undo it.

Man, it seems like I keep saying that the challenge is balance between 2 extremes!

Becoming the Corporate Yuppie

I've become the guy I resented.

I will explain. Having grown up as a die-hard Redskins fan, one of the things I used to love was going to the games at RFK stadium (a dingy, old, dirty place) with my brothers. IT was like going camping. We wore jeans, boots, and sweatshirts to the game.

In the early 90's the team moved to a new stadium and we went to the first game there, dressed as we always did.

When we got there, we saw that the environment had changed. I can still see a guy in his dockers and loafers with his cell phone and I was thinking, "man, this place has gone all corporate!" The real fans were left in SE DC.

Well now, a few years down the road, I find myself taking business associates to game and dressing that way. I was at Camden Yards a few weeks ago and next week, I am going back to RFK-the corporate yuppie has returned.

I've spent a LOT of time thinking, studying, and reading about the Holocaust. Lived in Germany. Visited concentration camps. Talked with survivors. It's a subject that can't be comprehended intellectually, in my opinion.

This afternoon, as my daughter was taking her nap, I took a moment to watch a documentary that a former babysitter of mine had produced based on the diaries of children survivors and non-survivors of the Holocaust.

One scene is etched into my mind. It was parents putting their young children on a train to save them from the coming Nazi menace, knowing that in all likelihood, they would never see their kids again.

I thought about my daughter upstairs and a new wave of emotion, one I had never experienced before when thinking about the Holocaust, overcame me. As a father, I now had an even deeper appreciation for the pain that people must have felt as they did everything they could to keep their children safe.

When she woke up, I told her how much I loved her, and gave her a big kiss and hug. And I just read this entry to her while she is having her dinner.

Whoa! I never realized how fast grass grows.

The lawn guy quoted me $500 for the entire summer and I thought about it, but at this stage, I've got to go with the philosophy that I point my money towards things that reduce costs and improve value. I can cut my own lawn (and ok, for a few days, the grass is really long), but resources are limited and need to be allocated wisely.

If there's one thing I've learned as a homeowner, it's that there's no end to the amount of money you can spend on upkeep of your home.

Calanit Says "No"

Somehow, my daughter has figured out how to say "NO." And she says it to everything, no matter what.

"Time to go to sleep."
"No!"

"Want to eat now?"
"No!"

Finally, I had a good time saying things like:
"how about you stay up all night and forget about your bath?"
"NO!"

"Ok," I said, "we can work with that."

I guess kids require some creativity. :-)

Balancing Present vs. Future Consumption

I minored in Economics in college and that subject definitely helps shape my perspective on the world. I remember from one of my classes, Macro, I think, that the trade-off between present and future consumption lies at the core of the discipline.

For many years, I was motivated by future consumption. I saved...relentlessly, thinking about the big expenses I would face down the road. Perhaps it was taught by my parents to me...deferred gratification or something like that, but I was very disciplined about it. I'm glad, because in many ways, it has made some of the things I've acquired less stressful.

On the other hand is present consumption. Now, I don't think I consume wantonly or just for the sake of consumption (at least I don't think I do), but as I've matured (or maybe just gotten older), I see that life is fragile and while we do need to live/save for the future, there is something to be said for rewarding ourselves in the present, because, as you know, you never know when it will end.

I don't mean to be morbid, of course, it's just a fact. The real challenge that I see is, as with everything, what's the balance? What is "instant gratification" or irrational consumption versus a legitimate enjoyment of the fruits of your labor. You can always say "I'll need the money later" and you will, but sometimes later never comes. Obviously, there's the flip side.

I just want to be responsible to myself today and myself tomorrow. Tough one.

You can view things as transactions or a chance to build a lasting relationship. It's your choice.

Went to my 10 year college reunion on Saturday night and I'm really glad I did.

It's great to have these periodic check-ins with people who affected (to varying degrees) the person I have become.

It's also interesting to see how different lives are playing out. Some people...well, they are doing exactly what I thought they would be doing. Others, a bit less so, and others, well, their lives are nowhere where I'd thought they be. This is great, because it forces me to think about judging people too early.

I was very glad to see many of these folks. It occured to me that the people who do take the time to come to reunions are those who view college as a relationship, not as a transaction, and frankly, we're all better off that way. Good for us, that we valued our time there and we made friends, developed into the people we are becoming, and continue to learn from each other.

The Knowledge Economy

Listening recently to a series of lectures on economics by a professor at U of Minnesota. It's gotten me thinking about how to stay competitive in the "Knowledge Economy."

It's clear from the data that those w/more education tend to receive higher wages. The question though is: what type of education? When is the right time? How do you know that you're going after the right credentials? Which credentials are the best?

Staying Hungry

I read an article recently by Tom Friedman in the NYT called, "The World is Flat." It's about the increasing competition from places like India and the hunger that people there have for the American lifestyle.

Meanwhile, in America, it's easy to get soft. I mean, you have your Tivo, er, Media Center PC (a Microsoft product), you have entire industries catering to leisure activities, and you think you are entitled to things like vacation, cheap gas, and Internet service. With the affluence that many of us have (we may not be super rich and of course we have monetary concerns, but we're not starving and many of our basic and advanced needs aremet), is it easy to get soft?

The question then: how do you keep hungry? Money is, to some extent a motivator, but who's going to give more of himself, the immigrant off the boat (or the remote technician in Bangalore) who is trying to save enough money to buy a house or send his kid to college, or the Ivy league educated lawyer who's got a house, 2 cars, takes vacations to Europe, and does yardwork on the weekends for fun?

For a while, that works. But Friedman points out that the challenges we face are greater now, there is more competition and you can't stand still. The paradigm for "making it" and having a career have changed. I've been told that when people reach a certain age or status, they start to "coast." Friedman's point is, you can never coast.

Is knowing that enough? How do you convince others?

I read about high school kids who drink and use drugs and have wild parties and wonder if that's symptomatic of having too much affluence. Are the other kids who have to prove themselves, learn English or whatever, going out and partying or are they home studying?

I saw a friend last night who's a bright guy, roughly my age, who said, "I don't read anymore. When I come home from a hard day's work, I want to be entertained, so I watch 24."

Some TV is good, but are we entitled to entertainment? I'm wondering if there's another guy who wants my friend's job is out there studying up on the field, thinking up the next big idea, and while 24 is on, is going to put my friend's livelihood on the line.

Maybe I've read too much of Andy Grove's "Only the Paranoid Survive."

One barrier to adoption of Vonage is the possible lack of “always on” phone.

We lost our Comcast for about 12 hours…and though we’re used to it, it’s still annoying. I think the ‘average user” is just not going to put up with that uncertainty, particularly when you’ve come to expect 100% uptime from your dial tone service.

Just a thought.

During WWII, the Flying Tigers were a group of US airmen stationed in India and SW China who were responsible for bombing the Japanese out of mainland China. My grandfather was a bombardier in that group.

Twice now, I've met immigrants from mainland China who, after learning that my grandfather was a Flying Tiger, reached over to me, vigorously and earnestly shook my hand, and said, multiple times, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

What a show of gratitude. What a contrast to the way we are viewed by the Europeans or the South Koreans.

Core Competency

We hear the term “core competency” thrown around a lot. I think about what my personal core competency should be so as to maximize my value to others over the long haul.

For a while now, I’ve said that “Change is the only constant,” and I think I’ve hit on what skill I am seeking to refine: Versatility.

Exactly how to do that? Maybe next entry.

I know she's young, but I've started to think about the balance between my goals and dreams for Calanit and the fact that, when all's said and done, she's got to live her own life.

I've been reading some articles recently about the pending knowledge worker battle that is happening between folks in the Western world and folks in China, India, Russia. The basic theory is that the West is getting soft on math and science. I was thinking how I'd love the Pooka to develop strengths in those areas so she can ultimately compete in the tougher job market that is invariably coming.

Of course, I know she's going to do what she's passionate about (as she should) and live her own life, but then again, I can be a positive force for her in giving her some wisdom/perspective, without making her feel like she's suffocating, right?

Calanit and I explored a very large park that is basically in our backyard. We discovered a large lake and at that point, I took her out of the stroller to let her walk around a bit and stretch her legs. At one point, as I was taking pictures of her, with the lake in the background, I saw the sun glimmering off of water at just the right angle that I couldn't help but I think I was living in an Impressionist painting. I had the emotion at that moment that those artists, I think tried to convey.

As we saw the various flowers, trees, people, dogs, and more and I rejoiced at the excitement of Calanit seeing it all for the first time, I wondered if one of the roles that kids and grandkids play is to give adults a periodic "refresh" for how we look at the world.

It seems like it is so easy to get worn down by life, get jaded, and become withdrawn, but with kids, we have the option to get fully engaged, to enrich them, and in so doing, enrich ourselves and go through our own re-birth, if you will.

Kids know nothing, formally, about competition, but parents do. We ran into a 17 month old girl who had, by comparison, a very strong vocabulary. Calanit understands a ton, but really doesn't have more than a few words she says. Mostly she points and gets what she wants. It was all I could to hold back and remember, 'every kid is different and I'm sure that Calanit is doing fine," but still, for a moment, I felt the tinge of jealousy.

On the ride back, Calanit, as if motivated by the other kid, was really trying to 'find her voice.' I have an audio if you're interested, but it was as if she was a singer warming up before a show. Very cute.

A magical weekend, made even more so by my wonderful daughter.

Life Travels

In my 20's, I was fortunate to travel to many countries around the world. I loved the thrill of a new culture and new experiences. I was confident that one of the best ways to broaden your perspective was through jaunts to faraway lands.

That may be true, but I've realized another one.

It's the travels into the depths of your soul that comes from watching your child grow; from the feelings that come about when you have quiet moments alone and there's just music playing in the background and you think about the future, but not your own, somebody else's. This journey into the land of perspective helps you empathize with others, want to make the world a better place, and to treat others with kindness.

I loved my days globetrotting, but now I'm soul-diving.

It's difficult to quantify how painful it is to watch Calanit in so much pain. It's probably some equation like

Take the most emotionally challenging experience of my life...

and multiply it by about 10,000

I feel so bad for her. She's in pain, doesn't know what's going on with her or why we won't let her have some of her normal foods. She's on the mend since Monday, but still not 100% and every few hours, has a bout of intestinal gas that causes her to writhe in pain.

It's all Tamar and I can do to just hold her...and cry for our inability to do anything to help her.

When we first had Calanit, someone told us that one of the most painful things you ever experience as a parent is when you have a sick child..."the whole world stops."

Well, we made it about 16.5 months before Calanit had any really serious sickness, but yesterday and today, she's had it bad. Throwing up, diarrhea, the whole nine yards and man, it is the worst. There's not much we can do for you and we just feel terrible. It's not that we don't think she'll overcome it, we're sure she will, it's just hat we hate to see her suffering.

It's really tough to watch and what's worse is, I know we'll have many more (and probably worse) of these.

The previous owner of our house was a mechanical (or electrical, I can't remember) engineer. It was clear that he did a pretty good job of upkeep around the house and probably knew every inch of it. He prided himself on doing a lot of the maintenance work himself.

Every time I do something manual or handy, I say "the spirit of Joel Cohen lives on."

Since we moved in, we've been installing the X-10 system (or I should say, it's been installed) which allows for remote control of the lights throughout the house. Most of the work was done by our contractor.

Two weeks ago, he installed the final light (the one which enables the outside lights to go on at dusk and off at dawn-automatically-throughout the year--it's calibrated to the latitude and longitude of the house), but in doing so, he made it impossible to turn on the dining room light.

Initially, I called him to repair it, but then I thought, "hey, if I'm the captain of this ship, I've got to know how to fix it all" (and this came on top of the fact that I'd spent many hours the week before up in the attic, repairing some insulation work). I shut off the electricity, opened up the switch, diagrammed it in color, made some hypotheses, tested, and eventually enabled all 4 lights that came together there, to work perfectly.

The spirit of Joel Cohen lives on....

"Uncle John's Band" by the Grateful Dead contains some lyrics that have provided me comfort during times of transition.

It goes:
"Well, the first days are the hardest days, don't you worry any more. Cuz when life looks like easy street, there is danger at your door."

When I first arrived in Germany in September, 1995, I recited these words as I struggled to overcome the challenges of being in a foreign country, not knowing anybody, and not really speaking the language.

I've thought of these words once again recently as I've started to come to terms with the challenges, mostly financial, of homeownership. Can we really do it? All of the things that are coming down the road at us?

I think about the first days being the hardest, take a breath, and move on.

Speaking of TCO....

Maybe I've watched too many movies or fancy myself in a larger role than I am, but I am caught up with the analogy of house as a ship.

Whenever it came out, my dad, brother, and I saw the movie "Master and Commander" and as we've been getting this house into shape, I think of myself as the captain and the house as the vessel that carries my crew through uncharted waters (life) on our way to some distant land.

One of the things about captains (and perhaps it's a misconception) is that they need to know every nook and cranny of their ship. So too with the house.

After my ridiculously high heating bill, I hired a firm that specializes in energy efficiency assessments and after receiving the report back, have begun implementing many of the suggestions. The pride of ownership motivates me as does the idea of lowering TCO over the long haul and making the house more "seaworthy," but I've spent a nice portion of today placing R-30 fiberglass insulation into the joints of the house where the main structure sits on top of the foundation so that air doesn't come in and change the temperature of the house thus negatively impacting my energy bills.

I never would have thought of this before (was up in the attic last week and will be going back soon to finish a job up there), but I'm enjoying getting to know every inch of my ship. As Captain, I need to.

(We can debate later whether I'm really in charge or not, but allow me to live in my fantasy world).

How a $25 discount will probably lead to a $20,000 sale.

As a student of business, I have to highlight the service that I get from my auto dealership, Fitzgerald auto mall.

When I bought my car there two years, I bought a service plan which entitles me to free and discounted service for oil changes, etc.

Since then, I have been blown away by their service. Whenever I call, they have availability. When I arrive, they are courteous. They offer me a free metro card (most times) when I have to leave my car.

On Friday, I went in and since I get low mileage, my months/mileage ratio is a bit off. The woman at the counter said, "just use the free oil change, don't worry about it."

That was at 7.30am. I was back at 2.30pm (they had called to say they were done) and picked up my keys. I noticed a charge for $23. I was a bit puzzled. Before I could say anything, the same woman came over to me and said, "Mr. Epstein, we noticed when we did the check of your car that the wipers were streaking, so we went ahead and changed them for you. We couldn't get in touch with you, so if you want, I can remove the charge."

Whoa. When someone asks like that, am I really going to quibble? No. Go ahead and charge me.

Then, as I examined the bill more closely, I noticed a $25 discount listed. I asked.

"Well, when the technician came in and told me about the wipers, I said, 'Mr. Epstein obviously takes care of his car, he's not going to care about $25 for new wipers.' But when the tech came back, he told me the wipers were $50. I thought that was too much, so I gave you a discount on the spot since you're a good customer."

This all happened without my involvement.

You know, with this next baby on the way, I've been thinking about the next car I'm going to have to buy, a minivan, and one of the concepts I've picked up during my career in the technology industry is TCO=Total Cost of Ownership. Not just how much does the car cost, but how much will it cost to operate, gas, oil changes, etc. What's great about my dealer is that they minimize TCO and hassle (which is a part of TCO).

I decided that though I didn't know what type of minivan I will buy, I'm pretty certain I'll buy it at Fitzgerald.

Anniversary Thoughts...

On the occasion of our 4th wedding Anniversary

My grandparents have been married for 62 years and my grandfather, who is a bit of a jokester, likes to quip, "in all of the years of marriage, I've never once thought about divorce. Murder? Yes, but never divorce."

The funny thing about it, and everyone knows it, is that the two of them can't imagine life without each other.

Five years ago, if you had asked me about interdependence, co-dependence, or anything along those lines, I doubt that I would have been able to explain it in any meaningful way. I certainly didn't have a frame of reference for it.

Now, as I look back over these years, I see that Tamar and I have really begun to truly build a life with each other. There's so much that she does for me on a daily basis (and hey, let's be fair...I do a few things for her) that I'm at the point where life without her is indeed a scary thought.

Feeling that strongly about another person does indeed make you vulnerable. There are times when it's late and she's coming home from dancing and I worry about where she is...and my mind wanders....and naturally I think about the worst case scenario. Then, throw on top of that fact she works in downtown DC and we live in an era of the potential for weapons of mass destruction in the hands of terrorists and that Tamar and I were both in lower Manhattan on 9/11.

And I know it's worse for her, since the depth of her feeling and love is far more intense than mine. That's not to say that I don't love her, of course I do, but the way in which she loves carries such a pure depth to it that I can't even comprehend it, I fear.

Beyond the physical things that she does for me, she has truly "raised my game" in terms of my development as a person. The fact that we're both so committed to each other and to the joint adventure that is our marriage and life together makes the experience even more rich because in order for us to be "successful" I must integrate her feedback into the fiber of my being. It doesn't always go smoothly, of course, but I know I need to deliver or else "customer #1" is going to be unhappy and we can't have that, can we?

As life gets more hectic (or at least it seems that way), it's sometimes difficult to stop and smell the roses and genuinely express my gratitude to G-d for the beautiful (in all facets) woman who is my wife.

I am glad that we have chosen to celebrate wedding anniversaries. At least once a year, we pause and reflect on what we have.

I know we should do it more often, and I try, but at least we have this one moment in time.

Tamar Epstein, I love you. Thank you for marrying me.

Sometimes we do things that we know will shape our identity. Marriage, graduation, changing jobs, whatever.

Sometimes our identity is formed without our knowledge.

As I was rocking Calanit today while giving her a bottle, a few thoughts crossed my mind. In a few months, this girl is going to become somebody’s big sister and she has absolutely no idea about that. Yet, it will be a critical part of her identity for the rest of her life.


While rocking her, I had a different and perhaps related thought about the lineage to which we both belong. I pictured my mother rocking me and my grandmother rocking her…all the way back. I thought about all of the hours of labor and the love what went into putting me into that chair at that moment so I could rock that sweet, little girl to sleep. Such an amazing testament to the human saga.

A walk in the park

Sometimes I can’t help but think that old cliché of “my little girl is growing up so quickly.”

 

Yesterday, we took her to a park and for the first time, she was walking around in a pair of shoes. (Last week, she officially entered the Toddler stage). As Tamar and I helped her get used to walking outside and in shoes, I felt a lump in my throat.  My little girl is walking around the playground, doing the things that “bigger kids.”  I felt very paternal as I sat her on my lap and we went down the slide together and sat on the swings together.

 

Knowing all too well that these moments will soon be gone and a distant memory, I did my best to take a digital, mental snapshot of the moment in an effort (hopefully not in vain) to hold on to this feeling and cherish the moment

On the formation of Identity

Sometimes we do things that we know will shape our identity. Marriage, graduation, changing jobs, whatever.

Sometimes our identity is formed without our knowledge.

As I was rocking Calanit today while giving her a bottle, a few thoughts crossed my mind. In a few months, this girl is going to become somebody’s big sister and she has absolutely no idea about that. Yet, it will be a critical part of her identity for the rest of her life.


While rocking her, I had a different and perhaps related thought about the lineage to which we both belong. I pictured my mother rocking me and my grandmother rocking her…all the way back. I thought about all of the hours of labor and the love what went into putting me into that chair at that moment so I could rock that sweet, little girl to sleep. Such an amazing testament to the human saga.

On the formation of Identity

Sometimes we do things that we know will shape our identity. Marriage, graduation, changing jobs, whatever.

Sometimes our identity is formed without our knowledge.

As I was rocking Calanit today while giving her a bottle, a few thoughts crossed my mind. In a few months, this girl is going to become somebody’s big sister and she has absolutely no idea about that. Yet, it will be a critical part of her identity for the rest of her life.


While rocking her, I had a different and perhaps related thought about the lineage to which we both belong. I pictured my mother rocking me and my grandmother rocking her…all the way back. I thought about all of the hours of labor and the love what went into putting me into that chair at that moment so I could rock that sweet, little girl to sleep. Such an amazing testament to the human saga.

On the formation of Identity

Sometimes we do things that we know will shape our identity. Marriage, graduation, changing jobs, whatever.

Sometimes our identity is formed without our knowledge.

As I was rocking Calanit today while giving her a bottle, a few thoughts crossed my mind. In a few months, this girl is going to become somebody’s big sister and she has absolutely no idea about that. Yet, it will be a critical part of her identity for the rest of her life.


While rocking her, I had a different and perhaps related thought about the lineage to which we both belong. I pictured my mother rocking me and my grandmother rocking her…all the way back. I thought about all of the hours of labor and the love what went into putting me into that chair at that moment so I could rock that sweet, little girl to sleep. Such an amazing testament to the human saga.

On the formation of Identity

Sometimes we do things that we know will shape our identity. Marriage, graduation, changing jobs, whatever.

Sometimes our identity is formed without our knowledge.

As I was rocking Calanit today while giving her a bottle, a few thoughts crossed my mind. In a few months, this girl is going to become somebody’s big sister and she has absolutely no idea about that. Yet, it will be a critical part of her identity for the rest of her life.


While rocking her, I had a different and perhaps related thought about the lineage to which we both belong. I pictured my mother rocking me and my grandmother rocking her…all the way back. I thought about all of the hours of labor and the love what went into putting me into that chair at that moment so I could rock that sweet, little girl to sleep. Such an amazing testament to the human saga.

Chalk one up for Economics...

There's a concept in economics known as "Expected Value." Last night, it paid off for me.

Got a call from a market research firm. They wanted 20 minutes of my time to answer questions about my new computer purchase. In return, they offered me a 1 in 10 chance of a $50 gift certificate.

That make the "expected value" of my 20 minute $5. In other words, my time is worth $15/hour. Now, you could say, what would I do with the time otherwise? However, I quickly made the calculation and determined that I could potentially earn more than $5 by reviewing some stocks in my portfolio and taking an online course, which I did.

I told the guy that my time was worth more than that, said thanks, and hung up.

Heard a great piece of advice today about success:

"The higher you go, the harder the wind blows."

Getting into the rhythm of the house.

Since the time we decided to buy the house, I've kept a running project plan of things that have to get done. It's usually been about 3-7 items/day. I'm finally at the point (coinciding w/the 3 month mark which I originally set) where I'm down to a few per week. The list is quite long, but now they are "nice to do's" as opposed to "must do."

It's a good feeling.

Of course, I know it's only a matter of time until the next issue arises.

Paradigm Shift

I remember when I first learned the word 'paradigm.' I was in a Maryland state summer 'gifted and talented' program during High School.

The instructor showed us a new type of bicycle seat (one pad for each butt cheek) and talked about a new paradigm.

Recently, I bought a Media Center PC, which is a computer, but also a TV w/TiVo like functionality.

It still hasn't sunk in yet that the way I watch TV is changing, yet slowly it is.

I do pull-ups three times a week and usually do something in between each set (say write a few emails or what have you.) Last night, I was watching West Wing and at some point, it dawned on me that I didn't have to wait for the commercial to do the next set. I just paused it and was off, then returned. Same thing for when the phone rang.

Paradigm shift. What does it mean? Not sure entirely, but very cool.

Launched an unprovoked snowball attack on my neighbors this afternoon. Made me feel old and young at the same time.

They have 4 kids and three of them were outside. The 10, 7, and 5 year old. I had a great time playing with them. It was a fun way to let off some steam. Made me feel young.

During the course of the "fight," I noticed they never really came after me. I asked why they weren't attacking me. The eldest asked, "is it ok if we come in your yard?"

Man, now I'm the old guy who owns the yard next door. Made me feel old.

A new 'best practice' I discovered. Take digital pictures of the items you want to address before you go to Home Depot. I got a huge pat on the back for that one today.

Friends and Longevity

Read an article once on a research project indicating a link between elderly people who successfully avoided Alzheimers and who also maintained highly active social lives and many friends.

I look at my grandparents (85 and 83) who, thank G-d, are 100% with us and whose social life is more active than most college students. They go out, easily, 5 times a week and invest heavily in their friends and friendships.

Since Tamar and I moved to Silver Spring, we have been blessed to meet many, many wonderful people. Our primary socializing activity is shared meals on the Sabbath, either Friday night or Saturday lunchtime. We typically have 4-6 adults and the same number of children over. These obviously require a ton of preparation work and are not the most inexpensive things to do.

Today, we had one of those gatherings and I really felt a blessing. I saw 5 or 6 girls (all girls today) playing in the various rooms of the house and looked around the table at the adults, our friends, and thought about the investment we were making (in time and money :-) in these relationships and, honestly, it just felt good.

I'm very financial focus and tend to think in terms like ROI, payback period, and cost-effectiveness. Much like children, quantifying the ROI on the dollar investment isn't easy, but you just know it's worth it...it's worth more than money, obviously (that's the thing I have to remind myself when I see the credit card grocery bill) and if it pays off in the long run in terms of longevity and mental clarity, well, there's another priceless ROI calculation.

"Life is a never-ending series of challenges, but I think it is designed that way."

Walking....almost.

We're getting close. She prances around the house with her little mini-walker device. If you hold her hand with only one finger, she can walk around. Yesterday, she took 4 steps on her own.

I have to say I love when she's awake, but when I'm putting her to sleep and I rock her back and forth in my arms and she puts her tired head on my shoulder...that's a feeling of eternity.

I get a bit emotional every time that happens as I think about the flash in time that will occur when she will be going to school, college, and getting married, which is why I cherish these moments all the more.

Taxes and Tahara

What are life’s only guarantees?

 

On Sunday, I dealt with both of them. I spent the bulk of the afternoon assembling all of the various 1099’s, W2’s, etc. and in the evening went to perform a Tahara as part of the Chevra Kadisha.

 

The Chevra Kadisha is the Jewish burial society which has the solemn duty of ritually preparing the deceased for a Jewish burial. The Tahara means the purification process.

 

I’d done it once before, but in a billion years, I never would have thought I would do it for a former teacher of mine. He died of a sudden heart attack in his 50’s and was ostensibly in good health. He was svelte and was an active basketball referee.

 

Anyway, it sure makes you think. Not only that no matter what you do from a health perspective are you not immune from the inevitability of death, but as we spend so much time focused on the day to day banalities that there are much larger forces at work and you never know when your time is up.

 

Balancing the need for accomplishment on a day to day basis with the looming inevitability of certain death…at a time which no human predict, now that is a worthwhile life goal.

The Epitome of Homeownership

A few weeks ago, it was pouring rain. It was early Saturday morning and I turned to Tamar and remarked about how beautiful and nice it was to have a warm house and a roof over our heads during this tremendous storm.

I walked over to the window to see how intense the rain was, put my hand down...into a pool of water. A small hole in the top of the window frame was leaking.

Homeownership in a nutshell.

OK, a test of who really reads the blog (many claim to, but this should separate the wheat from the chaff).

We're having another baby. Due in August.

the price of heat...

When we moved into the house, I told myself that I'd take 3 months to just let things happen w/o worrying about money. I needed to get some sort of baseline.

I know that winter is obviously the time of the year when heating bills will be largest. I've prepared by putting storm doors on each entrance, adding insulation to the attic. We have 2 pane windows as well.

I got my first heating bill last month and it was 300. I was taken aback, but stayed calm-true to my word. I responded and set the thermostat to be lower during the day when we weren't at home and frankly, it was low when we were at home. Today, I am shell shocked. The bill came for 500! I am thinking "holy crap, I can't afford to live in this house." I have no idea how this happened and I wouldn't say I'm panicking, but I am quite concerned.

I'm open to ideas...or maybe this is just what heating costs these days.

I did put out a request for an energy efficiency audit, but the firm doesn't check the proper functioning of the furnace or hot water heater. Something is wrong, I think (I hope).

Thoughts?

Excerpt from a letter to a friend...

“I owe you an apology that it has taken this long to respond. As I am sure you know, once you have kids (and a house for that matter), most things you’d really like to do take a back seat. Just the other day, however, Tamar (my wife) sent me one of the fwd’s (attached) that said, basically: “appreciate your friends and do it today,” so that has motivated me to take a moment out of my Sunday (which is my 1-1 day w/Calanit, my daughter, since Tamar works) to write to you.

We’ve had a good day, but now I need some quiet time for myself. I am gearing up for the Super bowl, which means I’ll watch it as I work.

I think the thing I struggle most with these days is, plain and simple, balance. Though I guess that’s a constant, but now it’s more pronounced as I certainly don’t want to miss my daughter growing up and I realize that long term, the time I spend with her now is the best thing for her, but of course, I have the pragmatic considerations of bills and mortgage. I do my best to “be here now” and focus on her, but sometimes, I will admit, the more mundane aspects of life get in my way. Trying to keep it in perspective, not always successful.”

Strange as it may sound, sometimes I feel unworthy to be Calanit's father. This kid is just so good and pleasant. She's got a tremendous smile and a great curiosity.

Today, I organized a "Father's Helper" Day. Tamar works on Sundays and sometimes, well, I just run out of steam, so I enlisted the aid of 2 5-year olds to come over and play with Calanit. It was met with varying success and I think next time, we'll have two of them at the same time, since it's tough to get them excited about interacting with a 13 month old for too long.

Anyway, it was very cute and emotional to see how she interacted with the "big girls" and how she really wanted to be involved with what they were doing. I kind of imagined that in a flash, she'd be their age and I wouldn't be carrying her around anymore.

I try really hard to focus on her and give her attention. To stimulate her. Sometimes the banal demands of life, like working... take my focus away. I feel bad about that, but it's such a tough balance and there's so much I want to provide for her, but at the same time, I know that time is what I can provide the most and when she's young, is when it's the most important.

She's so good to me and sometimes I just feel like I don't reciprocate the way I should.

the Ocean of Life

I’ve traveled a lot in my day. Been to 50 countries or so. It’s part of my identity.

 

However, those days are behind me. In one of the trade-offs of life, I’ll be staying home for a while, figuring out how to pay for this thing and keep my family well protected.  

 

I guess I kind of look at the house as the ship that will carry us as we travel the Ocean of Life. This is my/our newest, biggest adventure yet.

 

One day, many years from now, I'm sure all of the new technologies I've acquired this week will be taken for granted. They'll just be a part of my day to day lives and the excitement I'm feeling right now will be a part of my past.

But for now, I am living in the moment, and really enjoying the wave of adrenaline.

For 4 years, Tamar and I were living with a 13" TV. We finally upgraded to a nice 32" one.

I also bought my first computer in 4 years, a Media Center PC, which allows me to watch, record, and pause TV, as well as manage pictures and music. It's quite impressive. I've been staying up to all hours just playing with it.

Now, I know that life is not about material things, but it's nice to be able to enjoy things and get benefit from them, when you can.

Kids and money...

As you may know, Tamar and I both come from large families. We were talking the other night about the number of kids we’d like to have (nothing to announce).

I said, “look, assuming I make it to 80 or 90, I know the greatest thing in the world will be to be surrounded by kids and grandkids. I also know that kids are expensive, so while the end will be awesome, I’m going to be stressed about money pretty much every step of the way.”

On helping out around the house...

I was speaking to a younger colleague of mine the other day and she was telling me how she was a bit concerned about her boyfriend. She suggested that he wasn't sensitive or thoughtful enough.

She asked me about my relationship with Tamar. When I was done telling her what I do and do not do, she said, "you know, I feel a lot better about Will now. I think I've been too hard on him."

Some of the winning examples include:
1. Tamar likes getting flowers on Friday afternoon before the Sabbath. When we lived in NYC, I was great at accomplishing this goal. Now, however, after a few weeks of failing when we first moved here, Tamar buys her own flowers and says they are from me.
2. Since we moved here 2.5 years ago, I've been to the grocery store maybe 5 times. I went to Costco for the first time last week (and only because I wanted to buy a TV)
3. The last time I was at Giant was Dec. 12, 2003 (and that was because Calanit was born 2 days before)
4. I haven't done laundry since we moved into the house.

These are but a few examples...now I do manage a lot of the finances and other tasks, it's not that I'm useless, but Tamar and I realize that we should each focus on our core competencies and if it's not one of my core competencies, I have no choice but to outsource (to her)

Also last week, I was talking to two friends of ours who are, unfortunately, contemplating divorce. I went through the same shpiel and by virtue of so doing, made the husband look pretty good. Don't know if it will save the marriage though.

So, now, if Tamar asks me to do something, say clean up after dinner, I tell her that I have to decline simply because these relationships are built upon the fact that I am an insensitive and unthoughtful husband. It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it.

I heard the term "American Spanish" for the first time yesterday. Now, "American English," I'd heard, but never "American Spanish."

It's obvious that Spanish is becoming the 2nd language of the US. I just wonder sometimes what that means. Will we become like Canada? Will there be some people who never learn English? Just fascinating to think about.

Back to real life....

We moved in on the 16th and then immediately hit the Holiday season. It was a great time to move, unpack, and get settled, but it was a little like a fantasyland. As we set up the house, we had plenty of time, we were spending money like it was going out of fashion-not on frivolous things, mind you-but just getting things set up.

My office is closed today, technically, but of course, people are working. Tomorrow is like the first day of school. Now, the long, hard process of actually paying for this house, of earning the right to live here is beginning.

A few years ago at my cousin Benjamin's bar-mitzvah, I had a conversation with his father, my first cousin, Leonard. We were on the topic of "the grass is always greener..." and he said, "don't ever think that, because everyone has 'their shit'". His were family medical problems. I think about this sometimes when I have to deal with certain challenges. Today, for example, I saw my brother in law, Ari Moskowitz, who doubles as my periodontist. He told me that I will need 2 additional surgical grafts this year to prevent the furthering deterioriation of my gumline. (I've already had two of these procedures.) Initially I bemoaned this setback, but then realized that "hey, this is just part of 'my shit.'" Hate to be crass, but I just think that Leonard's words are quite apropos.

Last week I saw the movie/documentary "Super Size Me." It addresses, in part, the growing problem of obesity in America.

I contrast this issue, which we see all around us, due in part, I suspect to our sedentary lifestyles (I spend most of my day in a car or behind a computer keyboard) with the people who have been helping me out with the house.

My contractor is in his mid-50's, as was the home inspector, and the foreman on the moving crew. These guys were all in GREAT shape. No secret why, but it was eye opening. They move briskly, look young, and smile a lot.

Perhaps a long time ago, truly manual labor, like working in the coal mines was a hard life. Now, with power tools and a bit of effort, as opposed to backbreaking effort, these guys live comfortable lives and they stay in shape.

Just something I thought was interesting.

So we're not done done (and if there's one thing I've figured out about home ownership in the past 2 weeks it's that you're never actually done), but we're pretty much done. Every day I went over a list of "open items" with the contractor and today, there were no items left on the list.

Things are pretty much in the place they'll be for the next 20-30 years, I suppose. I think about that sometimes.

The family we bought the house from were in their mid-late sixties. Who knows what will happen, of course, but I feel like when I'm putting something in a drawer in the utility room or deciding where a bookshelf is going, there's a decent chance that someday, many years from now, it's from that exact same place that Tamar or I will remove it. Inertia is a pretty strong force. That's why I told Tamar that we had to unpack our boxes by Jan. 1st. If we weren't done, I knew those boxes would be there for the next 20 years.

Well, we moved in with about 60 and now there are only 3 left. There are a handful of items remaining, but now, we move from the "la-la land" of playing house and spending money like it's going out of style (we did some work on the house-my basic philosophy being it's much better to rip out walls and create dust for major infrastructure projects now than to disrupt our lives at some point in the future) to a family with a mortgage and a budget to live by.

Beyond that though is the thought that this is where the Epstein family will grow into itself. The first night we slept in the house and we put Calanit to sleep, we both cried. It's as if this house is a ship and with it, we will travel the rocky seas of life together.

I knew all along that the house would become an emotional purchase and now that the walls are painted, the rugs are down, the pictures are up, and of course, my little "man cave" of technology mission control is set up, I've finally allowed myself to feel that.

Now, we can get on with the business of life, as it were. I think about the rooms and the moments, both glad and sad, that we will inevitably experience in them. When Tamar is out and Calanit is asleep, I stand in the middle of the kitchen and listen to the sound of the house, looking out towards the the backyard, our backyard (well, the bank's, but you know what I mean) and think about what the future will bring.

There are times when I feel unworthy of this house. That it's such a blessing and we don't deserve the good fortune. When will the other shoe drop? Then, I just take a breath and appreciate where we are, when we are there.

It's a 3 Truck Day

Before we moved into the house, my cousin Lee from Ohio gave me advice of an indicator to know how expensive home ownership is at a given point in time. He said, 'look at your window and count the number of trucks, that'll tell you how much it's going to cost you."

Well, today is a 3 truck day for us. We've got the contractors here and the security alarm system being installed. My cousin, Barry from Dallas, who knows the home security alarm system as well as anyone said, "look, you live in a safe neighborhood, but sometime, someone is going to try and come into your house. Then, you're going to have a security system installed, so why not save yourself the hassle and stress and just do it now." So, that's what we're doing...

The moving day and pre-moving days were 4 truck days and we've been hovering at around an average of 1.5, I'd say.

On a different note, even though I've realized that homeownership is a never-ending project, Tamar and I have made tremendous strides in unpacking. We've got all but 5 or 6 of our 60+ boxes processed and thrown out (such a shame, but we couldn't find others to whom to give them) and our goal all along has been to have most things ready by the time I go back to work on Tues. the 4th. Well, I'm working this week, but it's a different feel when you send an email and no one responds...

A house of immigrants Part II

The actual day of the move was more of the same. We had the movers (Viktor from Moldavia, Juan from Guatemala, and Mohammed from Somalia) take 10 hours of their lives to move us from our apartment to our new home. They did a fantastic job and even went above and beyond the call of duty (we had some trouble getting the box spring upstairs so Vikt0r-the foreman, disassembled it and then reassembled it). We even had the issue of the trash truck showing up and insisting that our moving truck get moved. Plus, the Dominican HVAC guys hit metal, where they didn't think there'd be any and Tamar and I were exhausted. I had been pulling 18 hour days.

Anyway, I've been meaning to write this entry for a week now, but we've been busy unpacking boxes. We're down to about 5 from our 60 or so--I'm very proud of Tamar for her efforts. Calanit is adjusting well, though for some reason, she doesn't like her bathroom.

As for me, I'm excited. Nervous too-can we really afford this thing? But, overwhelmed with emotion at the thought that this is where my family will be raised. Seeing Calanit crawl around her room, it's just a great feeling that I am in a position to provide her a safe place to sleep every night.

Next time, if things ever slow down (thank goodness we're doing this during the Xmas holiday season when work is relatively slow), I'll write about my "Man Cave," it's a thing of beauty.

A house of immigrants...

Today was like an episode from the Apprentice, with an international twist, all with the goal of preparing for the move-in to the new Epstein abode tomorrow morning.

At 8am, I opened the door for Lena and her co-worker, from Brazil. They were tasked with cleaning the entire house after 2.5 weeks of dirt from renovations had accumulated. Soon thereafter, Diego, from Colombia, showed up. He touched up some paint and removed paint from some floors where it didn’t belong.

Next was Edwin, Jose, and Jorge, from El Salvador, Guatemala, and Bolivia. They tackled the insulation in the attic, some more painting, some closets, and re-tiling some bathrooms.

Right around that time, the internet wiring and tv cabling was completed by Jimmy and Lynn. They were from Baltimore.

Around noon, David and his two assistants, from Honduras descended to the basement to tackle some small electrical issues.

At 3pm, Antonio and his two compadres from El Salvador and Honduras as well, showed up to lay carpet and rug. As they were leaving, Max and Lucas (from the Dominican Republic) walked right in to inspect the heating and ventilation system.

What a day. Thank goodness my dad is from Texas and we’ve got family in Mexico or else I’d have zero Spanish to sling around (and a few choice Portuguese words I picked up along the way for Lena and her friend).

Beyond that, I was quite moved by the idea of all of these people coming to the US to better themselves. David and Jorge are staying. They’ve started their own businesses and raising their families here. Jose and Antonio-they just want to make enough money to go home to their families and live well.

I was a bit emotional as I thought about what this country represents in that it can give a chance to all of these people to better themselves and I appreciated it all the more as I recognized that the home we will inhabit is being built upon their backs and labor. They are a much of part of my family’s home and story as we are because of the role they play.

I loved the energy of the day in managing the various contingencies, but I also loved talking with Antonio about our views on illegal immigration (we both agree that the Fed Gov’t needs to crack down on illegals who abuse the system, but pay nothing in. We also agree that tax reform is necessary-we’re both upset that we have to pay someone else to prepare our taxes for us.) Jose told me that life in Guatemala is easier. You have no money, so you have no worries. Max tells me that in a few years, English won’t matter, since Spanish is taking over.

What they all agree on, unfortunately, is that reform of any meaningful sort is next to impossible in Latin America.

As for my role as Project Manager on the Apprentice, I’d say I won. We got the work done in preparation for tomorrow’s move, but more importantly, I learned a lot about the vision of the US through the eyes of her newest immigrants and citizens, some people I probably would not meet in the course of my day to day life, and, I suppose, myself.

Feeling the love from my daughter
I felt so much love from Calanit this morning.
Tamar had already left for work when Calanit's caregiver came. I was leaving and Calanit kept reaching for me, refusing to let me go, and crying when I tried to leave the apartment. It made me feel sad and happy at the same time.
Another one of those beautiful moments of parenting, I suppose.

Earn it every day
It's one thing to perform well one time. It's another thing to perform well consistently. It's not easy and it's tiring. I think there's a tendency to rest on our laurels, but life, in some respects, is a "what have you done for me lately?" test.
My new motto: Earn It Every Day.

On spending time with your kid(s)...
One of the things that I've struggled with most is the issue of balance between spending time with Calanit and spending time away from Calanit so that I can provide for her.
On the one hand, I look down the road and see these HUGE costs that are coming my way in terms of tuition, day care, hopefully more kids, etc. etc. etc.
On the other hand, I know that my daughter is growing up, and growing up fast. She's going to be one on Friday and I'll never have this time again.
She taught me a huge lesson the other day.
On Sundays, Tamar works all day and Calanit and I spend the day together. To be fair, more of it is Calanit going along with whatever I need to do, be it work, running errands, or dealing with the house. Well, not really what I need to do, but what I choose to do.
She's a great, low-maintenance kid and I don't want you to get the impression that I ignore her. We read, play, eat, and do many other things together, but there's plenty of time when she's in the room and I'm pre-occupied. Now, I don't think necessarily that every minute of every day needs to be centered on her, but I do need to be aware of the balance.
After a relatively busy day of running around and dealing with the electrician and locksmith, we came back and just lay down and started watching football. I was drained (since I also tend to stay up late on Sat. nights and now have to get up early on Sunday mornings), so I wasn't doing much with her.
She was getting fussy. I gave her a bottle. Didn't want it. I put her in her seat, didn't want to eat. I tried a bunch of things. Finally, I realized, "hey, she just wants me to pay attention to her." I did and we had a great time.
Even though she can't communicate verbally, she does communicate. What's more, she understands A LOT. I'll say "Touch Abba's nose" [Abba is father in Hebrew] and though we don't have a 100% success rate, she knows what to do. She really gets a lot of what you are telling her.
When Tamar was pregnant, I was in the habit of lying on the bed and talking to the fetus about my day. My first lecture was about Microsoft .Net and the importance of web services.
After she was born, however, here was an infant and I infantilized here (surprisingly enough). I've now swung back and will talk to her about whatever I want. Today, for example, I told her about the decision behind, and consequences of, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor (as it is December 7th-the 63rd anniversary of the event). I told her about my day and the challenges I'm working to overcome at work and regarding the anxiety of home ownership. It's fun to see her reaction. Then, of course, she can just be a kid and laugh when I hold an orange under my chin and let it roll down my chest.
I got a final dose of perspective when I called a long-time, dear friend, Jay Schwartzberg, who's celebrating his 43rd birthday today, but who has also been battling a brain tumor for about 7 years now. He's got an 11 and 7 year old. Very few people deliver perspective like Jay and he helped re-center my priorities around my life.

On preparation...
It's just so obvious that a little preparation can go a long way. It's just so hard to always set aside time for doing so.
My most recent example is the house purchase (we're moving in on Dec. 16th).
Tamar saw the house on the Friday before Yom Kippur and decided she liked it. Though I hate to admit it, I spent about 65% of Yom Kippur preparing my negotiating strategy. In brief, here it is:
As I thought about my offer for your home, a few facts have entered into my consideration that I’d like to share with you.

The market is plateauing. If you’ve spoken to agents who know the area, they’ll tell you that. My wife and I have been in the market and there is inventory now and it’s been sitting idle for multiple months. (Yeatman, Claybrook, Kemp Mill Road, Monticello).
We’re at the end of a 9 year run up on prices and there’s certainly the possibility of a dip in the market for the short-term.
Interest rates are headed in the wrong direction. Fewer buyers are going to be able to afford your price as time goes on.
Finally, as you know, fall is not the best time to sell, as more people buy in spring and move in summer. Interest will probably not be as high now as later.
And though I'm not a master, I kept hammering away on these points and did knock $20k off the price in 1.5 hours using that approach!

Anyway, the point is, I thought about it, prepared, and it paid off.

New Blog Address

http://spaces.msn.com/members/jer979/

New and Improved Blog Location

http://spaces.msn.com/members/jer979/

With pictures...

(One month later: though I want to be a loyal MS employee, I have to say that Blogger is better on this count...i'm sure version 2 will be stronger. Stay tuned)