Epochal Shifts of Time...

There are periods during life when the non-essential items just have to fall to this side. This past month has been one of them. Tamar and I have decided that now is the time for us to buy a house and as of last Wednesday, we have a contract on one. Nothing's final yet, but the inspection is scheduled for this week and if all goes according to plan (which if experience has taught me anything, it won't), we'll settle on 11/22. That's a pretty big step. My grandfather said to me once that the three biggest decisions you make in life are "whom you marry, when you have your first child, and when you buy your first house." They all involve major shifts in responsibility.

Speaking of shifts, I was speaking with Chuck Fox today and he said, "I think you're really an adult when you say to yourself, 'you know, it just makes more sense if I go to bed early.'" How true...

Calanit is 10 months old today and the big achievement of the past week was that we felt tooth #1 push its way through. "The days are long, but the years are short," sayeth my mother.

Balance...had a great talk with a friend, Felix Kushnir, while sitting in his backyard on an absolutely glorious Fall day. We were ruminating about the challenge that we felt as fathers between our desire to participate in multiple aspects of our childrens' lives (taking them to games, helping with homework, etc.), and the overwhelming pressure we feel to provide for them and our families in a financial way which requires, often times, absence from the home, or at the very least, an inability to pay attention while we ARE at home. Suggestions are welcome on how to manage this process.

Microsoft's Dress Code

I wore a suit and tie to go see a customer yesterday.

 

Afterwards, got back to the office and the most frequent comments I heard were:

1. who died?
2. good luck on the interview

 

That’ll give you a small insight into the dress code around here.

 

Have you ever looked at your credit rating? You can do it online. There are three big agencies and it's amazing how much information they have about you.

Tamar and I are thinking about buying a house (more on that later). I'll tell you one thing I've learned in this process. Pay your bills, man. It's like big brother is watching out there.

The Gift of Feminism

My wife likes to joke that in our marriage one of us has a body image disorder, is a feminist, and is overly emotional...the only thing is, it's me.

I've been thinking about feminism recently and started to think some potentially un-PC thoughts. I haven't come to a conclusion, but I am asking the questions.

So, it seems like with the women's liberation movement and the arrival of the two income family, that the expectations of what constitutes a middle class lifestyle increases in terms of economic consumption power. In order to maintain this lifestyle, two incomes are required, for the most part.

So, when a couple has a child, it's not entirely economically feasible for the wife (or the husband for that matter, but for the sake of 'tradition,' let's say the wife) to stay home and simply raise the children. She needs to go out of the home in order to generate the income.

What this does, however, is create a situation in which the raising of the children is effectively outsourced to someone with much less education than the woman who gave birth to the children. Whether there is a difference in cultural values and morals may be debatable, but certainly the woman outside of the home, for the most part, has greater earning potential, probably stemming from advanced education, than the woman (for the most part) hired to take care of the children.

What does this mean, then, for society in the long term? Does it matter really who raises the children? Or is stimulation and sunshine for a 1 or 2 year old impartial based on who is providing it?

In the short term, it's obvious that the family will have more income to support their lifestyle, but I wonder if having non-parents doing the work of parents (with the attached questions of whether someone who, at the end of the day, is working for the money) is a net gain, net loss, or a net wash-out for the children on the micro level and society on the macro level?

All of this came about during a conversation I had with a friend over Rosh Hashana. She's an attorney and with a 4 month old is fretting the decision about going to work. "This is feminism's greatest joke," she remarked. "You can have a job and have a kid, but if you want to raise your kid yourself, then what do you do?" Or something like that, but I think you get the point.

It's not that I didn't cherish life and living when I was younger, it's just that I thought...well, it's got to end sometime, so although it would be cool to live to 100, in reality, what difference does it really make if you go when you're 20, 50, or 100? Sure, you've seen and done a few more things and you gain some perspective, but it's over when it's over, right?

Well, now the thing is, when I think about death-which I do a lot more now that I have a daughter-I think about how the thing I don't want to miss out on is what type of person my daughter is going to grow into and become. I don't want to miss any stage of her development. That's what keeps me going. It's a great feeling in a way to live for something truly larger than yourself, I suppose.

"She's been out as long as she was in."

Today is Calanit's 9 month birthday (and my half birthday!). She just had her check-up, is 17 lbs and is in the 45th percentile for height and 25th for weight (or maybe it's reversed), but the point is she's doing great.

Her personality is really developing. She's standing (with help) quite well and has a great smile. It's amazing.

Many people have said to me "once you have a kid, you can't think of life without her." Well, in the spiritual sense, that's true, but in the normal, convenience sense...well, I can remember not having to get up early to change diapers and not having to worry about child care, but it's all good. She's more than worth it.

I can't get over how much I love this little girl.

The latter half of this week has been like the Twilight Zone. On Wed. morning, I was responsible for a relatively large marketing event that required a great deal of preparation. I knew I had to be there by 7.30am, so I was planning to get to bed at 9.30pm on Tues. night. Being the nerd that I am, I checked email only to see that everything that I thought was under control wasn't. It's a long story, but basically I didn't get to bed until 1pm, got up at 5.15am and went to the event.

At 12.30pm, I left the event in Reston, VA, picked up my wife in Chevy Chase, drove to the Bronx (yes, you read that correctly) for a wedding at 6.30. We left the wedding at 11.15pm and we returned to my parents house (where our daughter was in the midst of her first ever sleep-over) at 3.45am. By 9.30am the next morning, I was back in my office.

Since then, I've been trying to recover. Man, do I need this Sabbath rest in a big way.

During my travels, I came to realize that many so-called "destinations" are way overhyped in terms of the experience you have when you get there. For many of them, you arrive and say "ok, this is nice, but it didn't meet the oveblown expectations."

Here is my list of the top places that met or exceeded expectations:

1. The Great Wall of China
2. Petra (Jordan)
3. Macchu Picchu (Peru)
4. The Sistine Chapel (Rome)
5. Grand Canyon (Arizona)

Last week we went to a wedding with Calanit for the first time. It may sound a bit crazy, but I got very emotional about the day that will hopefully come when she gets married. I know she's only 8 months old, but everyone says "it goes by so quickly" and then all of a sudden, you are at your child's wedding day and the baton gets passed (I'm in a very Olympic frame of mind) and the next generation begins its ascendancy. Sometimes I wonder what she'll be like as an adult, but then I catch myself and take the words of the parents at the wedding to hear to really focus on cherishing the moments that I have with her as she is right now, knowing that in a blink of an eye, they'll be gone. I love my mother's saying, "the days are long, but the years are short."

The name of Epstein

A few weeks ago, I received an email from a Munich-based employee of Microsoft who read an email I sent to an internal newsgroup. He said, “it’s so interesting that your last name is Epstein. I grew up in a town called Eppstein.”

This began a multi-email dialogue between us. I related the story I had heard.

At some point after the Expulsion from Spain, the wandering tribe which had been known in Girona, Spain as the Benevensites ended up in Germany. They were in the money-lending business and lent money to one Count von Eppstein. As collateral, he offered up a piece of land.

When the time for the loan came due, he didn’t have the money and refused to turn over the land, saying that it belonged to his brother, a priest, and Church land couldn’t be given to Jews. Instead, he offered them the use of the distinguished last name of Eppstein. Apparently, the family took him up on his offer and eventually moved on to Lithuania, from whence my paternal grandfather emigrated.

I had never heard of the town of Eppstein until the summer of 1994 when a classmate of mine at the University of Regensburg where I was taking summer courses told me that it existed on the outskirts of Frankfurt.

During my travels through Europe thereafter, I made a point to take a trip out to Eppstein, a town nestled in wooded hills by a small river with a tiny fort on a hill, with a population of (I’m guessing) 2-3000 people. At some point during my teenage years, my father had given me a family crest which had the name “Epstein” underneath it and which has three chevrons upon it.

Interestingly enough, this same symbol was on all of the official Eppstein municipal items (trash trucks, the city hall, etc.). I climbed the small hill to the little fort, the museum for the history of the town, and knocked.

A woman answered. I told her my last name and showed her my passport. She was very excited and let me in for free (I thought the town still owed a lot more than that 1 Deutsche Mark that I saved, you know with interest and everything). I told her the story and she confirmed the possibility of its veracity saying something to the effect of “the Counts von Eppstein were very dishonest and made a living of robbing travelers and traders on the river next to the fort).

During the year I spent in Germany, I went back twice more, once with my father and once with Dina, Asher, and Julie. At my father’s request, I also made an inquiry to the City Hall to determine the name of the factory where the town flag was made and subsequently ordered one, which to this day flies outside our house. It was also used at the wedding ceremony for Asher/Julie as well as for Tamar and me.

Anyway, I relayed this entire story to my German colleague (Thomas). He too had heard that the Counts von Eppstein were not such great people. Furthermore, he asked if he could send the story I had sent to him to his friend who works in the City Hall and also to the town of Eppstein’s historian. He has since done this.

Lastly, he told me that the name Eppstein comes, supposedly, from a knight named Eppo, who built a fort upon a large stone (Stein in German). Hence, Eppo’s Stein or Eppstein.

After going to Canada for the weekend and flying with Calanit, I've developed a simple, but what I think is an effective formula for traveling with children. Take however much time you think you need to do whatever it is (get to the airport, clear customs, etc.) and just multiply it by 2.5. With enough time, I believe, travelling with children can be hassle/stress free, but the TIME is the critical element. Don't wait until the last minute.

Canada is really an interesting place. I can't get a read on what their national identity is. To me, it looks like their primary objective is to be the un-American (ok, maybe a bit softer, gentler), but it's basically the US with some subtle differences, like Kilometers, Celsius, some mild pronunciations (the letter 'o') and cute expressions like 'eh'. They've got their own money and maybe things are a bit cleaner, but other than that (and mind you, I'm not talking about French Canada) there's not much uniquely Canadian. Tamar and I saw the actor Mike Meyers on TV the other night talking sort of along the same lines and his most memorable quote was "you don't hear people saying too often, 'hey, let's go out for Canadian food.'"

The people are friendly and all, but I can't place my finger on what it means to be a Canadian.

Since I was there during the Olympics, it was particularly fascinating to see how the Canadian media worked. From an American perspective, it looks like (almost) that Canada is a country that if it doesn't celebrate mediocrity, certainly is willing to tolerate it or explain it away.

When we arrived, Canada had won just one bronze (they subsequently won a silver and a gold) and the paper/TV highlighted athletes who "did their best just to get there" or "didn't have the full financial backing of the government." Athletes who finished 16th were on the news and were portrayed as heroes.

I guess in America, we're so focused on winning the gold that if you win the silver, it's really "losing the gold."

Don't know what it means, but it was interesting to see how the media celebrated someone finishing 20th or whatever. Obviously, even being in the Olympics is a major accomplishment, but maybe for a country that continually seeks to avoid the shadow of its neighbor to the south, that's one of the ways they differentiate themselves.

A Tale of 2 computers

So for a while, I've been living with the dilemma of the fact that I work for Microsoft and yet was maintaining two computers at home, neither of which were on the latest, greatest Operating System. The fact that my needs were met entirely by a machine running (yes) Windows Millenium and my wife's (Win98) underscored one of the problems that we at MS face when it comes to our technology, namely, how do we convince customers to upgrade their desktop Operating Systems?

I felt I could relate to many customers when I surveyed my landscape at home and saw that, "hey, it's good enough, I don't need anything better."

Well, for reasons that have nothing to do with software and have to do entirely with human error, about 2 weeks ago, my hard drive crashed. I had no choice but to format the hard drive. I took the opportunity to install a brand new Windows XP operating system on my 4 year old laptop. I installed the latest and greatest of everything, security, add-ons, you name it and let me just say this...I am glad that I did. I am kicking myself that I didn't do it sooner.

I realized that when most people or even I say "I don't need anything else," we have no idea what we are talking about. Most of us have no clue what the technology is even capable of until we try it out and only after we investigate, play around, and try out new things, do we realilze the potential inherent in it. It's like I rediscovered my passion for the technology within the past two weeks and I am in reveling in it. Were there hiccups and bumps along the way? Sure, but is it worth it? I believe so.


Not knowing what you've got until you see the possibilities (it's good enough/don't need anymore)

Self-Identity and Early Adopter

My self identity is tied up in the idea, to some extent, that I am an early adopter of technology. I don't know why. Perhaps it has something to do with the feeling of wanting to know something before other people do and then getting to tell them about it. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I see the possibilities for the new technology and seek to implement them as quickly as possible.

I've long prided myself that I've had email since 1991, when according to some statistics there were only 750,000 people in the world who used it. The other night, I read an article about Voice over IP telephony (that's using the Internet to make your phone calls) and I was thrilled to see that about 50,000 consumers in the US had it at the beginning of 2003--I was one of them, and we've been saving about $35 on our phone bill every month since then.

I recently purchased a GPS system for my car (it integrates with my Pocket PC phone edition) and Tamar and I are in the midsts of a massive family digitization process which involves copying our VHS tapes to DVD and our cassettes to digital music. It's working quite well, for the most part--with of course the usual hiccups, but we'll be fine, I'm certain.

Anyway, whatever it is, it keeps me going. I am like a kid in some ways as I do get a rush from trying out a new technological advancement, but for the most part, I find value in them and don't just do them for their own sake. There's a benefit that we derive in the short and long term.

As for being an early adopter and why I pride myself on it...I don't know. I just am, in this regard, I suppose.

the best job in the world

We had brunch this morning with some friends and while we were there, the husband got word that he was to become an Uncle for the first time. Our friends have no kids of their own.

 

I tell you, being an Uncle with no kids of your own is the best job in the world. First of all, for an Uncle in particular, there are no expectations. You change one diaper and you’re a hero for life. Do anyting, and you’re a hero. It’s different for Aunts, I think.  Furthermore, if the kid gets grouchy, well, it’s not your problem. You can spoil them. Give the kids sugar at 9pm…hey, you didn’t know any better. Honest mistake. All the fun, no responsibility and no accountability. 

 

Once you have kids, being an Uncle is fun, but not as much. You can’t get away with playing dumb, you know better.

 

Anyway, enjoy it while you can.

 

Fasting

We just completed the Fast of the 9^th Av (Tisha B’Av) which commemorates the destruction of the 1^st (586 BCE) and 2^nd (70 CE) Temples in Jerusalem.  This culminated a three week period of mourning that began with another Fast, albeit a minor one (minor ones are from dawn to dusk), whereas Tisha B’Av along with Yom Kippur are 25 hour fasts.

 

I find fasting to be rather spiritual, particularly as we get to the end of the day and your body starts to consume its stored energy. You really do reach a higher spiritual plane.  Tisha B’Av is supposed to be a melancholy time as the House of the Lord was laid to ruin.  As I was sitting on the floor last night at synagogue (another sign of mourning), listening to the words of Eichah, the book of Lamentations written by Jeremiah, which we read on this somber day, I was reminded of all of the places around the world I’ve been on this holiday, including Tokyo among them.  I then thought of a quote that has been attributed to Napoleon, who was walking by a synagogue in Acre when the French were there and asked what the wailing coming from within was. He was told that the Jews inside were mourning the loss of their Temple and he said something along the lines of “A people who remember with such intensity will never forget.”

 

Well, we had some intensity today. My wife didn’t fare as well. I begged her to eat, seeing as she’s a nursing mother. Stubborn as she is, however, she didn’t and eventually got so dehydrated, I think, that she had dry heaves and then threw up. Not a pleasant sight, but certainly a strong reminder of the pain and suffering that our ancestors must have felt on this day.

 

And now...it's pouring, and I do mean, pouring outside. It's like G-d is saying to us, "ok, now we're beginning the spiritual cleansing process that will lead us over the next 7 weeks to the Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year.)"

I just got a new passport. Normally, that wouldn't be a major event, but it accompanied the retirement of my old passport.  So what, you say. Well, the old passport probably had 50 or so stamps in it, a bunch of visas, and few other official stickers. It had an addendum to the normal section. I mean, it was a work of art, but more than that, it symbolized an amazing era of my life. I was young, relatively carefree, and able to jet-set around the world. I saw most of Europe, a nice portion of Asia, parts of Africa and South America, (and we don't even talk about the US).  Those days are gone, not for good, but for the time being.  Now, when I have an impulse to travel somewhere, I think about the opportunity cost of the trip...yes, I could go to Chile or wherever for 1.5 weeks, but I could also save that money for my daughter's education.  What's more, if I did go for 1.5 weeks, I'd miss my family terribly.  Does that mean I won't travel anymore? I doubt it, there will be trips, but only those that are necessary, either for work, or for some key event, like a trip to Israel, perhaps.  But, though it may seem ignorant, I feel like I've seen what I need to see. Not that I've seen it all or ever could, but I do believe that for now, the physical travel experiences I've had have provided me with the wide perspective that I need at this juncture.
 
In the meantime, I've decided on another type of journey. I've been re-reading a book called I Dare You by a man named Danforth (he's the founder of Ralston Purina and his son was a US Senator from Missouri). He talk about the four buckets of your life, one of which is the spiritual bucket. Danforth challenges his readers to go on a spiritual adventure, which got me thinking.
 
I remember sitting in my dorm room in Regensburg, Germany, meticulously planning my summer trips through Germany, Austria, and Switzerland, looking at timetables and reading every guide book.  I had no real idea how to travel on my own and I was a bit intimidated and overcautious, I suspect.  At the beginning, I thought it was about seeing the sites and checking off a checklist. Ok, I saw the fountains in Bern, Switzerland! 
 
Over time, however, I recognized that travel was more than a checklist and I realized that it was the journey, not necessarily the destination.  It was the people, not always the places. It was being able to sit and reflect just in a new surrounding.
 
I feel like I am ready for a spiritual adventure, the idea of it excites me, but for now I am also like that young 21 year old in a dorm room in Regensburg. I don't really know how to do it, so I will be very methodical and cautious, but I do know that the only way to do it is to do it.
 
More on this later, I am sure.

Big milestone for Calanit today. First Cheerio!! She gnawed on a roll on Saturday, but devoured the cereal today. Very exciting and very cute.

Went to the funeral of my wife's grandmother today. She had 14 grandchildren and over 20 great grandchildren. Almost all of the grandchildren spoke...and beautifully, I might add. What was sad, however, was the fact that two of her children have a very difficult relationship and there was an undercurrent of tension, at least that I felt, during the ceremony. It's so sad when families have internal strife.

My grandfather once told me that the three biggest decisions you make in your life are
1. who you marry
2. when you have your first child
3. when you buy your first home

Well, 2 of them are done, and we're starting to contemplate the 3rd. I think it's fear of commitment all over again. More on this in the days and weeks to come, I'm sure, but man, this feels like a very big decision.